The results are in

And they are negative.

And that’s that.

9dp5dt. Obsess with me.

Tomorrow is the day. I don’t know you guys, I feel like I’m going kind of crazy! I was telling Cristy, when I’m at my desk doing my work I’m okay. It’s when I go to the bathroom that my wheels start spinning. I’m totally pregnant, It’s totally over, I’m totally pregnant, It’s totally over. Over and over and over and over.

(Someone commented yesterday that I seem so calm. HA! hahahahahaha. Just because I’m not testing doesn’t mean I’m calm, my brain is a mess right now. I sincerely wish there was a way to just shut it off for awhile.)

Symptoms-wise (because, let’s just embrace the crazy at this point): feeling flush in my face (even though it’s really cold in here today), feeling lots of tweaks and twinges from down below, way gassy (sorry TMI!) even though (more TMI) I’ve been very “regular” today, slight headache, very tired (but my cat woke me up at 3:15 am, then DH got going around 5 am). NO cramps today so far, which I kind of like. Kind of a weird on and off sicky feeling today. Not nausea, but sometimes I just wanted to hurl a little after I drank water. Yesterday, lots of clear CM (unusual for me pre-AF), some today but not as much. I feel like I’m peeing more frequently and definitely still waking in the night to pee (twice last night). Then still with the restlessness in the morning.

And then there’s this other weird symptom, which I can’t explain really. I call it “rushing” but it’s just this feeling again from down below of my hormones rushing. I noticed it before during my IUI cycles when my estradiol levels started to peak. Does anyone have the faintest idea what I’m talking about?

My mom will be doing my injection tonight. Should be interesting. My parents are here babysitting me (heh) which has been a huge help. I’m sure I will get home tonight to a happy pup and a house cleaned from top to bottom. Then tomorrow, it’s up and out of the house by 6:15 am to do my beta before work. Maybe I’ll just go ahead and treat myself to breakfast tomorrow morning, just me, myself, and I. To celebrate the conclusion of this cycle, good or bad, and just how far I’ve come.

Yes, that will be nice.

Please, please, please, please, please, please. Let this have worked.

And yes, I will be updating as soon as I know and have shared the news with DH. Oh, don’t you even worry about that.

 

Not (not) obsessing

I feel like I should blog. But the truth is, I don’t know what to say at this point.

I could talk about my symptoms, but that would only encourage my obsessions. At this point, I’m just trying to do everything I can to keep from going crazy, thinking AM I or AREN’T I.

But am I? I’ve been waking up every night to pee. I’ve been extremely tired at night, yet restless to wake up in the morning. I’ve had on and off cramping (sometimes pre-menstrual feeling at times) but no spotting, all last week through yesterday (the heaviest was yesterday, I practically thought it was all over). Today, no cramping to speak of. In fact, I’m not feeling much of anything today.

I think about how stellar our numbers were, how beautiful, strong and healthy our embryos seemed. We put two in there. One of them had to stick, right?

But then I think about how everything has looked so great all along, and yet… we’ve only been pregnant twice in two and a half years of trying. And neither of those stuck around very long.

I’m going to go ahead and use some language right now. Unexplained infertility is a mindfuck. The TWW following IVF is a mindfuck. We’ve decided not to test and just wait for the beta. At the end of the day, we rather just deal once with the news, whatever it is, and know that it’s the official word. It’s going to be whatever it is. I’ve done everything I can.

And if I’m not pregnant? I’m really looking forward to taking a break from ART. From TTC altogether for a little while. Just turning off my brain, and enjoying the rest of the summer. Getting back to the gym and to feeling like “me.” Not for long, but for a little bit.

One way or another, this torture will end on Tuesday. And that’s the best part of beta day.

Let’s talk testing

Every infertile knows the dilemma well: to test or not to test?

Likewise, most of us have our own policies on the matter. Some of us are obsessed with peeing on sticks. I used to be pretty into it myself, in my early days of TTC. But despite the fact that I have three tattoos (including one on my head!), I’m actually not a fan of self torture. Time after time of seeing those snowy white BFNs left me jaded.

Like really though, so jaded that a part of me really believes that the very act of taking a HPT will make me not pregnant (because of course it will be negative, it always is, and once you get a BFN, you’re not so likely to get a BFP, so therefore you’re not pregnant and it’s over).

Crazy, I know.

That said, I don’t judge others who test early and often. In fact, as a blog reader, it’s much more interesting than those of us who prefer to wait. I wish I could provide you, dear readers, with that sort of entertainment but unfortunately, I just can’t.

This is all to say though, I have been tempted of late. Why? I’m feeling things. Twinges, fullness, cramps. A brief wave of light nausea before lunch today. Weepiness like whoa. I cried this morning while listening to a This American Life episode about amusement parks. Amusement parks! It wasn’t even sad crying. I was just so touched by how happy the people sounded. And I’ve been up like clockwork every night to pee, even though before my retrieval, I never peed during the night.

Every single one of these things can be explained away by the progesterone, by the side effects of my stimulation and the retrieval. By my general emotional state. But still I have this firm little bubble of liquid hope stubbornly lodged in my chest that refuses to budge, despite any measure of “logic.”

I whispered to DH after my first PEO shot last night (which went well, BTW! We put an ice pack on the area beforehand so I literally felt NOTHING when the needle went in!) that I think this is going to work. Me too, he said.

The idea that you’d rather find out on your own terms, when and where you want (preferably in the privacy of your own home), I totally get and agree with. And I’m also tempted by the fact that DH will be out of town when the results come in. Hypothetically, we could test together on Sunday morning (at 8dp5dt) before my parents come.

But see, testing scares me shitless. I don’t want to ruin this. I don’t want to get murky results and worry. I’d rather know my blood test was negative than see a BFN because at least then I won’t wonder.

So yeah, I’m kind of torn. But I’m leaning toward waiting. I don’t have any HPTs in my house so it would take a lot for me to run out and spend the money on one.

What do you think? What’s your general policy on testing? 

4dp5dt

So here I sit, 4dp5dt, and I have to say, I’m feeling pretty good today! (Sidenote: I like being post-transfer, makes thinking up blog post titles easy as pie.)

I’m not sure what it was about today but I woke up feeling the best I’ve felt in weeks. My weight was back down (had been up and feeling bloat-y yesterday), the sun was shining, the weather was cool, and my morning didn’t feel rushed. I actually had time to make bacon and eggs for hubby and I! Traffic was light, I listened to a great “Wait, Wait” podcast on the way in that had me LOL-ing, I came in to find an article I placed for one of my clients had run in an awesome outlet, and I just generally feel happy and good.

And positive. That this IS going to work. I’ve been having some light on and off cramping for the past two days and any time I feel it, it makes me happy. Burrow littlest ones, I think. Burrow, burrow, burrow deep. I’m visualizing beta day. I’m picturing going into the clinic, picking up my lab slip, going up to blood draw like it’s any other day, sitting down, feeling the pinch, releasing my fist, and watching my hcg-filled blood flow from my arm. I’m envisioning going into the office, trying my damnedest to focus, tucking my phone into my bra when I go to the bathroom so there’s NO WAY I miss the call. I’m seeing it ring. I’m seeing myself walking away from whatever I’m doing, going into the empty office space next door, my clinic nurse saying, “Are you ready?” And me saying, “Yes.”

And her saying, “Good news, your test was positive. You’re pregnant!” And me, “Oh my god, are you serious? What was the number.” “###.” “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.”

Of course I’ve also pictured the opposite scenario, but we all know how that goes. No need to envision that. For today, I’m feeling positive, and positive feels good. I’m gonna ride this as long as I can.

************

In other news, I’ve decided to switch from Crinone to injections. My clinic orders the progesterone in ethyl oleate (PEO) shots, because they’re supposedly smoother and easier than the ones in oil (PIO). It felt like a big decision, going from something “easy” like a suppository, back to daily shots, especially because they said once I switch, there’s no going back. And these aren’t cute little subcutaneous shots either, they’re the intramuscular ones. The big guns.

But Crinone makes me MISERABLE. It’s not just annoying for me, it’s itchy hell. It’s like a constant yeast infection. And one time I even got a real yeast infection from it. So after consulting Dr. Google, I decided a once-a-day shot, no matter how painful, is still better than constant irritation. The new meds should be waiting on my doorstep right now and we start tonight.

Also, when I found out DH would be away next week (including beta day), and considering the breakdown I had last time he went away DURING THIS CYCLE, I went ahead and did what I only thought absolutely necessary: I called my Mommy. And Daddy. (Okay I was using that for a writing effect, I don’t really call them Mommy and Daddy, just plain old Mom and Dad). Anyways, they’re coming up (it’s only a, oh, eight hour drive from where they live, no biggie) to be with me next week. My mom, fortunately, is a former nurse, so she can give me my shots. And they’ll just be there to help take care of the animals, help me around the house, be there for moral support, etc.

Of course this means they’ll be wanting to know the beta news right away. In fact, I’ll see them before I see DH (although I do plan to call him first before they know!). Part of me feels a bit nervous about them knowing so early but I’ve become very open with them about everything I’m going through (I am incapable, anyways, of hiding anything from them) and they’ve been incredibly supportive. And if we did get pregnant, and something happened, I’d be telling them that too anyways. So, they’ll be here. And they’ll know. I honestly think it’s better to have the support on that day, either way, than to go it alone.

************

There’s been a lot of bad news for my IVF cycle sisters this month, so despite my positivity and current optimism, I want to just take a second to acknowledge them and their losses. Please go lend them some support.

Adrift on a Dandelion Breeze

Doping for Baby

Not All Dreams are Free

And for my dear friend A, from my online support group, who is facing a potential ectopic (her second) following IVF #1, all my love.

2dp5dt

Whoa, feels weird to be any dp (days past) any dt (day transfer), I’ve only ever been dpo (days past ovulation) or dpiui (days past IUI).

So far, so good. I’m back at work again (thank goodness) and feeling pretty much back to normal, though things are a little “backed up” still, which can be uncomfortable. Trying to go about it the old fashioned fiber way though since Colace = hell for me, and it’s all you’re allowed during the TWW.

I’m generally trying to take things easy and tread lightly. Do I worry every time I sneeze or laugh really hard? Yeah. But I try to remember the peanut butter analogy and forge ahead. In general, my goal was to eliminate stressors this week and it seems like the universe is helping me along by giving me a lighter workload (and the very nice blessing of that nasty coworker being on vacation!).

I did just find out that DH will be out of town yet again next week, right at the time of my beta. ARGH! His business trips are always so terribly timed but this just feels like torture. Not being together when we find out the very good or bad news seems cruel, after all we’ve been through. And then there’s the looming threat of OHSS hanging over my head if I do get pregnant. I can’t see how I’ll manage to take care of everything without him.

I’m sorry, I know I sound really whiny right now. I know I’m so lucky to be in the position I’m in. I’m trying to listen to my Circle +Bloom advice and replace any feelings of fear or worry with feelings of gratitude this week. Easier said than done but I’ve got two little embabies counting on me.

Speaking of the embabies, it’s so crazy thinking of them inside me. I keep waffling between “I’m totally going to get pregnant” and “Of course I’m not going to get pregnant.” I keep thinking, are they still in there? Are they still alive in there? I’ve been feeling some gentle pressure/cramping from down there this morning but that could just be my still swollen ovaries, or even my other, err, problem.

I’m really trying to steel myself against the potentially bad news. I’m telling myself if it doesn’t work, it will be because my hormones were so out of whack and that a FET will definitely succeed. I’m telling myself it will be a relief to be free of the worry of OHSS, to not have to worry about being pregnant while on vacation next month (which will involve four full days of driving) or while camping (three full nights of sleeping under the stars). I’m telling myself it will give me time to rest, relax and recover, and maybe even get another tattoo.

But what I can’t tell is if I really mean all these things or they’re just things you say to protect your heart from the potential of bitter disappointment. Oh IVF TWW, how you torture me!

Out of our hands

As we were walking down the hallway of Labor & Delivery this morning on our way to our embryo transfer, our nurse/ultrasound tech casually asked us if we’ve thought about where we want to deliver. Ha! Can you believe that? This is the same lady who told me I should wear my Wonder Woman socks when I deliver. But I was tickled (I seriously love this lady). She really thinks I’m destined to have a kid one day. “No, we’re just focusing on getting pregnant right now.”

Everything went pretty much perfectly today. Our RE happened to be the RE on call this weekend which I was grateful for. We did have some trepidation going in on the one vs. two question. After I posted yesterday, I started thinking and Googling and realizing how pretty much all signs (age, embryo quality, embryo quantity, type of transfer [fresh], insurance coverage, etc.) point to a SET. DH is all about the SET. Everything about the idea of twins just freaks him out.

We decided to bring this up with our RE. I was considering it but not really completely decided, and I wanted to leave some room in my decision for whatever input our RE had. Well, he very strongly suggested two for one simple reason: higher success rates.Given how well everything has gone this cycle, he put our chances of success at 50-60%. That drops, he said, by 15%, if we switch to one. The embryologist came in with a reel of embryo pictures about a mile long and showed us which one they’d be transferring, if we did one. #10. Lucky #10. DH happened to be wearing a soccer jersey today with #10 on it. He was thrilled; this was kismet.

Well, who would we be transferring if we did two? Still lucky #10 (a huge, beautiful blast btw) and also, lucky #7 (also beautiful). He said if we transferred these two today, we’d have five more to freeze today, and possibly a few more tomorrow, if some caught up. I was torn. I do really trust my RE and his success rates speak for themselves. He told us about how many successful twin pregnancies he’s seen through and how for someone my age, they’ve had very, very good outcomes. Plus, he pointed out, then we could be done.

I have to admit, this idea kind of appealed to me. Many years ago, I dreamed of having a gaggle of children. Many, many children. A brood. Infertility has taken that away. One would be amazing now. Two would be incredible. And knowing what we likely have to go through each time we want just a chance to conceive, I realized that I wouldn’t mind being done. Free of the agony of TTC, of REs and IVF and needles and procedures and medications and stirrups and waiting rooms. IVF has been a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be (doesn’t help that my ovaries over-respond to medication) and if I don’t have to do it again? I’m okay with that.

So, he left us alone to decide and I wished more than anything that we didn’t have to make a game time decision. That we had had more conversations the two of us, and together with him. It wasn’t really anyone’s fault though and there we were. After much back and forth, we finally agreed to the two. I felt we were more likely to not get pregnant at all, or get a singleton. And I really, really want to succeed. And if it’s twins? We’ll freak out, we’ll be scared, but then we’ll embrace the incredible blessing and do everything in our power to make it work.

(ETA: We also don’t know what our specific fertility problem is. Everything went so great this cycle and yet, something is clearly wrong. With everything else looking so good, most likely, it’s a genetic thing with our embryos. So what if #10 has a problem but #7 doesn’t? This is where an unexplained diagnosis can work both for and against you, but to me, it was an argument FOR two embryos.)

So two it was. My favorite nurse immediately came back in and put us at ease. She told us how sometimes having two in there makes it more likely that one will implant. I had heard this before though I’m not sure where. Some kind of communication occurs between the two embryos that makes them want to implant more, almost like a competition.

The procedure itself, though not at all comfortable, was bearable. I didn’t do the best job of making sure my bladder was very full but it wasn’t a big deal, I guess they could see well enough. A few clicks of the speculum, swabs of cotton, and a catheter in my cervix later and he was in! We watched as a little swoosh of liquid went in, then had a short wait while the embryologist made sure they were both definitely out of the catheter (they were). And just like that, #s 10 and 7 reported for duty in my uterus and our wait began.

As everything was removed, both my RE and the nurse marveled at how perfectly the placement had gone. I asked the nurse if anything I could do would move the embryos from their places and she gave me this amazing analogy: it’s like inserting a pea into a peanut butter sandwich. Even if you drop the sandwich, the pea won’t really move. Oddly enough, that made perfect sense!

So for now, we’re done. Out of our hands now, my RE said as he left. The nurse gave me a hug. On we went to grab a quick breakfast (Bagel World!) and get some acupuncture. I’m kind of excited to get back to my regular routine next week and not have to go into the clinic ever other day. Beta is a week from Tuesday.

Hopefully one of these peas sticks!

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To everyone joining for ICLW, welcome! As you can see, we just had our first ET for IVF #1. We had a great cycle and DH and I are really excited to see how it turns out. In the meantime, help distract me while I wait! If you’re still interested in learning more about me, that info can be found here. Thanks for dropping by!

To transfer? To transfer!

I’ve been working from home all week this week. Though the pressure has reduced and I’ve actually been losing weight (haven’t been able to say that for awhile!), I still have some pain in my belly and haven’t been very hungry. I just generally feel like I’ve been socked in the stomach multiple times. My RE’s office says that’s to be expected after the number of eggs I produced. My ovaries are quite simply swollen and pushing up against other organs.

However, I am showing no signs of early-onset OHSS. Peeing has been good, haven’t been feeling out of breath, and most of all, my weight hasn’t gone dramatically up (in fact like I said, it’s gone down!). But still, I worry. I’m obviously at higher risk to have OHSS set in if I’m pregnant, given the number of eggs they retrieved. The fact that I haven’t been feeling great since the retrieval somehow makes me more nervous about how I’ll feel if I do get it.

That said, my RE’s office is comfortable moving forward with the transfer. The embryos are doing great and their thing is, a fresh transfer is always better than a frozen one. They admit that I could hyper stimulate if I get pregnant but they do not believe it will be severe. It’s kind of a nerve wracking place to be. Knowing I could potentially be entering into a situation where I would be very uncomfortable, especially when I know that a FET down the line wouldn’t pose the same risk.

But didn’t I always say I’d do anything to become pregnant? How can I even think about passing up on the transfer of two beautiful, fresh little embryos into my uterus? Then I made the mistake of posing to DH a potential “hybrid” solution (conceived by me, my RE’s office knew nothing about it) of transferring one embryo instead of two, to reduce the risk of twins and possible higher hcg levels that could put me at greater risk for OHSS. Well, you would have thought I offered him a brand new pair of shoes the way he lit up at this idea. Which us to discuss a deeper issue of the fact that he’s not really comfortable transferring two embryos.

WHAT! I mean, I kind of had an inkling of this all along that maybe I ignored but it seemed pretty late in the game to be talking about it now. He’s afraid. Afraid of a high-risk pregnancy for me, for the babies, and leery of twins in general. All valid points (well except for the part about thinking twins are weird – sorry for any twins reading this!), but I reminded him that though the risk of twins is high (one third of all pregnancies achieved through double transfer IVF), we’re much more likely to either: a) not get pregnant at all, or b) wind up with a singleton. I’m scared of a twin pregnancy too! Mostly because I’m terrified of morning sickness and I think my dream of a natural home water birth would go flying out of the window.

But at the same time, I want to be pregnant. I want to have a shot at being a mother. And I believe that transferring two will give us a greater chance of that. He, being the awesome husband he is, is willing to do whatever I want to do and not in that, “do what you want to do but I’m going to say I told you so one day” way. No, he means he will get behind whatever I decide.

With the number of embryos we have, this may be our only shot at a fresh transfer. So, with all of this in mind, and with more than a little trepidation, we’re moving forward with transferring two embryos tomorrow morning. I’m going to acupuncture tonight (hopefully he can help tackle the last of this bloating and my tummy ache) and will also go after the transfer.

Here we go!

Fert report

Just heard from our clinic. Of the 30 eggs retrieved, 27 were mature and 25 fertilized naturally. We are so pleased with these numbers and so is our clinic!

That said, there is a concern on both sides about hyperstimulation. If I do have some symptoms of OHSS, they would only be made worse by getting pregnant. Given how I’ve been feeling, the thought of feeling worse does not appeal to me in the slightest. Depending on how the next few days go, we’ll either be doing a five-day transfer on Saturday, OR canceling the transfer and freezing everything until OHSS subsides.

Not exactly the news we were hoping for but I’m way less upset than I thought I would be. Like I said, I really dread the thought of suffering through OHSS and how much would it stink to have the already worrisome early days of a pregnancy made that much more difficult with hyperstimming? So for now, we’re waiting and watching to see what will happen with me.

The bad news is, I am definitely bloated and in pain. I can’t stand up straight, it hurts to cough, laugh or sneeze, and my belly feels very full and painful to push on (I do feel better than yesterday though). The good news is that the three main things I’ve been told to watch for: shortness of breath, decreased urine output, and rapid weight gain, are not happening. So, who knows? It’s difficult to make the call right now. I’m just going to keep pumping the Gatorade, taking my cabergoline, resting up and hoping for no OHSS! Oh! And I’m going to acupuncture tonight in the hopes that they’ll be able to help. They said they have had some success in the past with reducing bloating post transfer so hopefully they can help me!

30.

30 eggs. That’s how many they got. I still haven’t quite wrapped my brain around that number. In all honesty, it kind of freaks me out. But I know it’s a good thing and I’m hoping it means that at least if this cycle doesn’t work out, I won’t have to do another fresh cycle again.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The hospital process went well. DH did his thing, then came and found me in the room on the L&D wing where they had me situated. I was dreading getting the IV and it was just as bad as I remembered it. Maybe worse, since they let that cute little med student who had been in all my ultrasounds last week “give it a try” first on my left wrist. Not sure what she did wrong but after a few excruciating minutes of poking and digging, I looked down at my arm and there was no IV in it. Then my clinic nurse had to do it again on my right side.

In short order, they wheeled me into the OR. ORs are kind of scary places to the girl who could faint at the sight of scraped knee and this one was no different. They asked me some questions, marveled at my socks (I went with the dinosaur RAWR ones I have from a previous sock exchange, though everyone was asking after the ladybugs/catfish ones), then anesthesia went to work knocking me out. I guess there was some kind of miscommunication because they started putting the speculum in before I was fully out. But anyways, next thing I knew, I was back on my cozy hospital bed and DH was whispering to me, “Babe! They got 30 eggs!” Then the nurse came in and said, “Did he tell you we got 30 eggs? The average is 7-10.” (Of the 33 follicles I had growing, which ps I had no idea it was this many!, 30 had eggs inside.)

I processed all this with my eyes closed, coming in and out of consciousness. At one point they asked me if I was in pain. I checked in with my pelvic region and yep, pain. So they put something else in my IV for it which almost immediately washed it away. I sank back into a delicious sleep, but when I woke up again I felt nauseous and dizzy. Spent the next hour or so struggling with that. They gave me a Zofran which did nothing. Finally, I threw up and then felt a lot better for 30 minutes or so. I was talking, joking, thinking about going home, until the nausea returned again. Eventually, they got a hold of anesthesia who came back with another shot of something in my IV for the nausea. Talk about drugged up!

We ended up leaving sometime after 1 pm when I was finally feeling up to it, about three hours after I came out of surgery. I was dreading the car ride home. The whole time during recovery I kept having this feeling like I desperately had to pee, but then I would go and – nothing. Or very little. This got me freaked out all over again about OHSS and it was frankly a very uncomfortable feeling. I closed my eyes though, held on, and mostly fell asleep and before I knew it, I was home safe, curled up on the couch, with DH in the kitchen whipping up some amazing California BLTs. After lunch, it was up to bed for me, where I remained for the next four hours or so.

Which pretty much brings me up to now. I am in pain. Like, a lot of pain. I can’t really walk upright. Peeing is almost excruciating. The pain is all over my pelvic region, belly and lower back. It’s pretty constant but so much worse when I go to the bathroom. I don’t know if this is normal? They gave me Vicodin for pain relief but I’m hesitant to take it, for fear it will make me feel sick again. So for now, I’m sticking to Tylenol, fluids, and as much rest as possible. And I’m praying, praying, praying I don’t hyperstimulate.

Other than that, trying to focus on the positive. 30! Jesus.