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The maybe game

16 Oct

Hope and despair. These two have been plaguing me all day.

The spotting has continued. No worse, no better. It’s been a solid week now with no change. Exactly like my blighted ovum miscarriage. So with that, I fall into the rabbit hole of despair. Of thinking, no, knowing, that this whole thing is doomed.

But then today, nausea found me. I mean, really found me, to the point where I thought I might have to find a bag in the car on the way home. Maybe, just maybe, this is going to work out.

Maybe the placenta is low (isn’t it early for that?). Maybe my uterus is pushing out old blood from implantation (this much though?). Maybe it’s just such an awesomely strong pregnancy it can’t help but give off some blood (ha, you wish!).

So many miscarriages start like this (and so do so many successful pregnancies!). Not any of your pregnancies (this time is different! It could be twins! Spotting is even more common in twin pregnancies). Let me guess, next you’re going to say it could be the case of a vanishing twin! (Yes!) No, darling. Just… no.

On and on. All day.

Anyways. Tomorrow we find out and this blog can maybe stop being all about “Am I or aren’t I?”

1 day til beta

Scared sh*tless

15 Oct

No post-apocalyptic zombie show or slasher flick compares to the sheer terror of awaiting the test results that will tell you whether you’re losing your third (and possibly fourth) child, or if you’re one baby step closer to maybe having a small shot at becoming a mom.

Yesterday, I lost it. I full on went into, “I’m losing this pregnancy and I’m going to have to have another D&C and this was over before it even began and life sucks so I might as well end it” kind of dark place. The spotting had continued and DH and I had a stupid fight and before I knew it, I was gone. Crying over my favorite sandwich at my favorite lunch spot in Salem.

Just about every conversation with DH went this weekend was some variation on the following:

Me: I’m terrified.
DH: Why?
Me: Because I’m scared of losing this. Aren’t you?
DH: Nope. Let’s not worry until we have facts.
Me: We do have facts, my past history.
DH: This isn’t then, this is now.

He’s so logical and pragmatic, it blows my mind. He’s able to just not worry about things possibly happening or not happening. Who can do that? It’s almost superhuman to neurotic little me. I could worry anyone under the table.

I’m just scared and nervous and almost, at this point, dreading what Wednesday will bring. I don’t know if I want it to come faster or never come. I hate the very real thought that I might not be 5 weeks 5 days come Thursday morning.

Please grow. Please keep growing. Please keep growing, little embryos.

2 days til beta!

What if?

14 Oct

It’s crazy to me, the way some are able to embrace early pregnancy after infertility, especially after a loss or losses. In some ways, I envy them. In others, I’m so, so scared for them. I can’t pretend I haven’t thought about what it would be like if this pregnancy did end up working out. How and when we would tell our immediate family, our coworkers, our friends.

But the hurdles ahead seem insurmountable. Everests, each of them. Beta #3. Ultrasound #1. Finding a heartbeat. Ultrasounds #2, 3, however many. Continuing to see heartbeats and growth. It scares me to no end, thinking how you can get through each of these and think you’re in the clear and then you get clobbered at the next milestone.

And then I look at children in the street and think about how their parents made it through each of these hurdles. People do it every day, every moment, every where. Why is it so elusive for us? How did we skip the easy track for the arduous one?

Maybe I don’t want Wednesday to come. Maybe I want to meander in the world of “maybe a baby” a little bit longer. It’s nice to dream about this working out right now. Getting pregnant before my best friends who just got married this year, not three years ago like us. Getting pregnant before my brother-in-law and his wife, who are getting married next year. I shouldn’t say or think these things but I can’t pretend that I don’t.

Pregnant for the holidays. Pregnant before another year turns its pages on us. Pregnant in 2012, just like we hoped we would be at the beginning of this year. I think if I was lucky enough to be pregnant come this Christmas, I wouldn’t need a single present under the tree in order to feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

But I’m getting far, far ahead of myself.

The spotting remains but it seems a bit lighter in the last 12 hours or so. My friend Keisha left me a comment yesterday that blew my mind a little. What if the spotting in the first pregnancy had nothing to do with the miscarriage? Which led me to think, what if the spotting is just a pregnancy symptom?

There’s no red, no cramping and no pain, so it very well could be my body “getting rid of old blood” or perhaps could even be from the placenta forming near my cervix. Of course during my first miscarriage there was no red, cramping or pain either but let’s politely ignore that fact. Also, I’ve read that spotting can be even more common in twin pregnancies. If that is what is happening.

Anything’s possible. I’m also somewhat encouraged by the on and off touches of light nausea I’ve been experiencing yesterday and today.

So there’s hope. There’s definitely hope.

3 days til beta!

5 Weeks

13 Oct

Today I am five weeks pregnant. Small victories. I’ll take them where I can get them and celebrate them when they come. Who knows if I’ll be celebrating the next milestone one week from today.

I am surviving. But yesterday was a tough day. The spotting seemed to go from a watery light brown staining when I wiped to more of a brown mucous. It’s still not enough to make it down to my underwear or warrant a pantyliner but it’s enough to thoroughly freak me out. I called my RE’s office. I knew what they would say but I just wanted to talk to a different nurse and get her take on everything.

As expected, they said not to worry, that it could just be some old blood making its way out. They said to only worry if it was accompanied by pain or bright red bleeding. I asked what she thought of my numbers and she said they were fine. (Not exactly reassuring now that I think about it.) The news of this light spotting wasn’t enough to make her think we needed to do any testing any earlier. We’re sticking to the Wednesday beta. I guess this was a relief in some ways. She said, “These kids, they start us worrying right from the very beginning.”

I did get to acupuncture yesterday, which turned out to be both physically and mentally relaxing. I felt like I was proactively doing something to keep this pregnancy. I’m going back on Monday. Then I’ll see what my beta is before making any more appointments. But it did seem like the spotting lightened up a bit after acu.

I wish I had more symptoms. It’s crazy how much I’m craving nausea, considering the fact that I think I have a legit phobia of throwing up. But right now, even throwing up sounds like a good time to me. I have a few light moments of it, especially right before or right after eating. I’m also waking up thirsty, with a dry, parched mouth. I’ve heard this is a symptom for some people.

I don’t know. I just don’t know. This brown spotting thing is exactly what happened with my first miscarriage. The numbers looked good but I always had this persistent light brown spotting, from when I took the pregnancy test on. It never went away. It continued until the ultrasound when they couldn’t find the heartbeat. And then I had a D&C.

I hope this time is different. I really do. Only time will tell.

4 days til beta!

Scary points

12 Oct

It hit me last night, just as I was drifting off to sleep, why I’m so crazy anxious these days. It’s because this is the general time frame when my only other dips into the pregnancy waters have ended. With my first miscarriage, I was so naive and out of sorts that I honestly don’t even know how far we got exactly. I want to say 6w4d, but I’m not entirely certain. I know we got to the ultrasound where we should have seen a heartbeat, and we did not. I know we never saw 7 weeks.

My chemical? Really went south between the 2nd and 3rd beta. Sound familiar? Of course the numbers were low from the beginning. My first beta was 17, the second was 44 (doubled! More than! Clearly didn’t matter!), the third was 15. And I’m also trying to take heart in the fact that during that whole roller coaster, my betas were each 48 hours apart. I’m taking it as a good sign that they decided they didn’t need to repeat the third beta until a week from Wednesday. The same was the case for Theresa and she just saw two amazing little heartbeats!

This goes back to a conversation I remember having with Cristy at some point (I can’t remember if it was on the podcast or not), that everyone who has experienced miscarriage or baby loss has a “scary point” in pregnancy, where their loss(es) happened in the past. I was talking yesterday to a support group friend who is about two weeks ahead of me and also pg with twins. She’s naturally worried, of course, but not a basket case like me. She has never lost though (and knock on everything, I hope she never will). I was reading back through Alissa’s blog last night too, and at the eight week mark she wrote:

“So today I am 8 weeks and I can’t believe I am starting all over again. Everyone hates the worry and the stress of the first trimester and honestly I can tell you that I have been doing pretty well with it. Of course I am nervous for each ultrasound, hoping with everything I have that I see that sweet little heartbeat. But I am more nervous for the second trimester. That is when everything went to hell for us. So for now, I am trying to stay calm and believe that this will work out however it needs to. At this point, I can’t do anything much to alter the outcome, so I will trust in my little baby. One week at a time.”

Her scary point is the point at which she lost Michael and Alena. Speaking of which, today is their angelversary. Please go read Alissa’s moving tribute and send her some love today! Wait til you see the very special present Alissa and her husband got for the twins.

So this is my scary point. There’s some comfort in realizing that, knowing there’s a real reason behind the madness inside my head (which by the way guys, you’ve only seen the tip on iceberg).  I’m also so hesitant to actually call myself “pregnant.” I was looking at my HPT lineup photo yesterday at work and noticed that I feel so removed from them. I’ll have trouble doing that until we have a successful ultrasound (if we ever do). We’ve never ever seen a heartbeat on an ultrasound. So even if the third beta is good, I’m still going be a basket case. I’ve got two weeks of basket casery ahead of me, if this journey continues. Guess I might as well settle in and get used to it!

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In other news, I’ve got a real tale from the waiting room for you. I met a woman from my clinic while waiting for my bloodwork on Wednesday who has been through 5 IUIs and 3 IVFs. She’s never had a positive pregnancy test and never had anything to freeze. She was there for her beta following her third IVF cycle but she said she took an HPT the day before and it was negative. My heart went out to her! She said she’s looking at February for their fourth round. I asked her if she was planning on having any further testing before entering into another round. Karyotyping? Endometrial biopsy? Anything? These terms all seemed foreign to her. The crazy thing is – she’s a physician! She said she was doing her fellowship at Harvard no less. She has about six months before her fellowship ends and she has to move back down south, where of course there is no IF coverage. So she’s trying to squeeze in one more cycle before then. At this point, I politely suggested she get a second opinion. I know I’ll probably never see her again, but I hope, hope, hope she finds her way to success.

—————————————–

There was so much good news around the blogosphere this morning!

Ali @ Not All Dreams are Free got her BFP follow FET #1!

B @ Just Cycling Along got good news on beta #4 following a little scare!

And now for something completely different, Keiko @ The Infertility Voice is going to be on The Katie Show!

Go wish these ladies luck! Love good news.

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5 days til beta!

Beta #2 Results

10 Oct

You guys. I have been crawling up the walls today. Couldn’t think or focus. Could barely speak I was feeling so anxious. I definitely, definitely, definitely need to find a way to calm down. Like for real. Maybe time to go back to acupuncture.

I even called the office early to tell them to please, please call me because I thought I was maybe having an anxiety attack.

The number is in. The number is… fine. They’re happy enough with it that they’re not bringing me back in for a repeat beta for another WEEK. Jesus Christ.

2,538. Up from 1,508 in 46 hours. Doubling time of about 60 hours. (They didn’t tell me all this of course, I calculated it immediately upon hanging up the phone. She so didn’t want me to though. When I said, “it didn’t double,” she was like, “don’t even go there, it’s a good number, Dr. B is not worried.”)

Words that the nurse used to describe it: good, solid, robust, nice rise.

Progesterone, which I specifically asked to test, came back at 34.99, which is apparently good as well. If all looks good next Wednesday when my next beta is scheduled for (aka in 100 years), they’ll schedule an ultrasound for sometime between 6 1/2 – 7 1/2 weeks. So sometime during the week of Oct. 22nd – 30th.

I don’t know why I’ve been so tortured. I hate myself for this post. For not just relaxing and enjoying. We finally did it!  Why can’t I be there right now? Why can’t I be happy?

From wait to wait to wait. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

The bubble

9 Oct

There’s a scene at the beginning of Ghost (one of my fav movies of all time) where Sam and Molly are lying in bed together and Molly is asking Sam what’s wrong.

MOLLY
You’re worried, aren’t you? About
moving in together?

SAM
No. Not really.

MOLLY
Then what? The promotion?

SAM
I don’t know. A lot of things. I
just don’t want the bubble to burst…
Whenever something good happens to
me I’m just afraid I’m going to lose
it.

That’s where I am right now. I’m Sam, not wanting the bubble to burst. Everything seems to be going so well that I’m possibly even more freaked out than I would be if everything was going moderately well. It just seems to good to be true.

What if it’s two? What if it’s not two? What if it’s nothing? What if it goes away?

I know there absolutely nothing I can do to control whatever is about to happen. I just have to enjoy the ride and try to maintain my sanity in the meantime.

So much easier said than done.