Not (not) obsessing

29 Jul

I feel like I should blog. But the truth is, I don’t know what to say at this point.

I could talk about my symptoms, but that would only encourage my obsessions. At this point, I’m just trying to do everything I can to keep from going crazy, thinking AM I or AREN’T I.

But am I? I’ve been waking up every night to pee. I’ve been extremely tired at night, yet restless to wake up in the morning. I’ve had on and off cramping (sometimes pre-menstrual feeling at times) but no spotting, all last week through yesterday (the heaviest was yesterday, I practically thought it was all over). Today, no cramping to speak of. In fact, I’m not feeling much of anything today.

I think about how stellar our numbers were, how beautiful, strong and healthy our embryos seemed. We put two in there. One of them had to stick, right?

But then I think about how everything has looked so great all along, and yet… we’ve only been pregnant twice in two and a half years of trying. And neither of those stuck around very long.

I’m going to go ahead and use some language right now. Unexplained infertility is a mindfuck. The TWW following IVF is a mindfuck. We’ve decided not to test and just wait for the beta. At the end of the day, we rather just deal once with the news, whatever it is, and know that it’s the official word. It’s going to be whatever it is. I’ve done everything I can.

And if I’m not pregnant? I’m really looking forward to taking a break from ART. From TTC altogether for a little while. Just turning off my brain, and enjoying the rest of the summer. Getting back to the gym and to feeling like “me.” Not for long, but for a little bit.

One way or another, this torture will end on Tuesday. And that’s the best part of beta day.

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9 Responses to “Not (not) obsessing”

  1. Keisha July 29, 2012 at 3:26 pm #

    Total mindfuck. You’re probably right to wait for the beta, but you must be going insane! Know that I’m thinking of you and hoping for wonderful news. I clicked over here this morning, hoping you had tested and had good news to share. Take care of yourself, you’re almost there!

  2. sass July 29, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

    Hang in there. Just two more days until beta day. Fingers crossed!

    And you’re right…it’s all a mindfuck. I hate no knowing what the cause of our IF is. I wish we weren’t in this club together 😦

    (Let me know if you want to get together again sometime. It was really great to meet you yesterday!)

  3. Emily @ablanket2keep July 29, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    Total mindfuck! Only 2 more sleeps till your beta. Do something nice for yourself!

  4. E. July 29, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    With you on the mindfuck.

    I test Tuesday as well, after our third IUI (our last before IVF). I hope you get happy news.

  5. I am so impressed you’re waiting for beta day. I always test and then see that white strip and wish I had just waited. I hope Monday flies by for you!

  6. Lindsay July 29, 2012 at 11:18 pm #

    Haha I am still amazed at how calm you are through all of this being able to hold out on testing!!! Then again, you’re almost there!!! Enjoy the time with your parents and keep us posted :). Great to see you yesterday!

  7. sams July 30, 2012 at 12:54 am #

    I couldn’t have said it better myself: IF (especially IVF) is a total mindfuck. In fact, I have referenced it as that to myself but have yet to put it in my blog. Now I’m inspired and I just might have to write something about it! : )

  8. Katie July 30, 2012 at 1:19 am #

    Oh man, its soooo hard! I hope tuesday comes quick, and brings you great news. I’ll be thinking about you for sure!

  9. dopingforbaby July 30, 2012 at 7:07 pm #

    How are you doing? One more day! You can do it! Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

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