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Update

1 May

So, here’s where I’m at. I talked to my RE himself today. It’s kind of blurry now but he told me that the bleeding was caused by my follicles reabsorbing, something about swollen ovaries and cysts bursting and that the pain would go away.

I told him I had been charting and hadn’t seen an indication that I ovulated. He said that was because I didn’t have a trigger shot and then made it seem like I wouldn’t be ovulating at all the cycle. This was very confusing to me but I accepted it. I asked if I would have a period in that case. He said I would but it wouldn’t be normal. Okay.

He told us to come in on Wednesday to sit down and map out a plan for how we’re going to get me pregnant (IVF, I presume?). I got off the phone feeling a little silly for even thinking we could “try” this cycle since it sounded like I was never destined to release those eggs I had grown.

But then a few hours later the nurse called. I guess she didn’t get the memo that I had spoken to Dr. B. Now, she gave me the indication that this bleeding WAS being caused by ovulation. I told her that Dr. B had made it seem like I wasn’t ovulating but she said that with as many eggs as I had, it would be pretty impossible NOT to.

Okay.. wha? I am so confused now. Was Dr. B lying? Did he not want to tell me he suspected I was ovulating so that I didn’t run out and grab DH to try on our own? Or does he really not believe I could have ovulated? But if that is the case, why did he keep telling us not to have sex this past week? Is the nurse right? Is this ovulation bleeding? Could it, despite the crazy temps, against all possibly odds, be implantation bleeding? ARGH, I hate the not knowing!

The bleeding is tapering off now. The blood was pink and red last night and earlier today, now it is brownish black. It has definitely been more than spotting. Enough to fill up a few pantyliners today. I’m not in pain but I’d definitely say I’m still “feeling” my ovaries.

I feel bad for my body. I feel like I let Western medicine completely mess with it this cycle, but we didn’t even finish what we started and that left my lady parts very confused. I think I just want this weird, confusing cancelled cycle to resolve so I can move onto whatever is next.

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At the wedding this weekend, I observed our family friend who is only a few years older than me but who has four stunningly gorgeous children (she herself is possibly one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen). The littlest one just turned one and she is so precious. I made a joke at one point about stealing her and DH sort of scolded me for saying so. And then I got all teary because I realized that having her would do it for me. Having almost any baby to call my own would do it for me. I just want my baby.

Then later at the wedding, I observed this same little one being held by her Daddy. He was feeding her little bits of food and I got teary all over again, watching a man be so loving and gentle with his tiny baby girl. DH was standing right beside me and I ached all over. I want that for him so badly. I want to witness that scene more that anything. But to have it be my husband. And my baby.

One day. I sincerely hope one day I will be so very blessed.

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This strong

30 Apr

Before embarking on the TTC roller coaster there should be a sign that reads: You must be this strong to ride this ride.

Strong enough to handle the myriad of highs and lows (mainly lows), dashed hopes, dropped dreams, wins and losses (mainly losses), seemingly endless heartache, virtually daily pain. If you can handle all that then maybe, just maybe, you’ll make it to the end of the ride. No promises though.

Here’s where I’m at, cycle wise. Maybe all you lovely ladies can help shed some light.

I’ve been watching my temps since our IUI was cancelled with five follicles over 15mm, waiting for them to rise. My bloodwork nine days ago supposedly showed my LH starting to rise. I really thought it would be any day and was definitely feeling my hormones surging and tweaks and twinges from my ovaries. In fact, every day last week, I thought, “THIS is the day.” No wait, “THIS is the day.” Still, no rise.

I still didn’t have a rise going into the weekend when I knew I wasn’t going to be able to temp. We went to New Orleans for wedding and had a lot of late nights and early mornings. On Friday night (actually it was early Saturday morning), I was standing in a bar in the Warehouse District feeling both ovaries in action. I thought, “THIS is definitely it.” But then Saturday night, at the wedding itself, my right ovary kicked into overdrive to the point it was actually painful. I was clutching at my hip and it was enough to have to say, “Ow” outloud. I’ve never had painful ovulations at all, in fact I’ve rarely ever felt them. But I figure it was a BIG one so that was why. I thought Saturday night was definitely the night.

Then yesterday evening (Sunday), after we got home, I noticed some spotting when I wiped. Ovulation spotting? Never had it before but figured again, big O. So hubby and I DTD, just in case. But after that, the spotting turned into actual bleeding and has continued into today. I left a message for my RE’s office last night but I haven’t heard back yet. I thought for SURE I’d see a temp rise this morning but AGAIN, NOTHING. 97.0. What the hell gives, man!?

So now I’m thinking. A) This cycled is totally f-ed. Whatever. It probably always was. But more concerning is, B) What the hell is going on. Why haven’t I ovulated, and more importantly, why am I BLEEDING?! Something is definitely not right and I’m terrified.

Cycle update: CD8, confused

18 Apr

Woke up with some light brown spotting today. Not sure what that’s about? It was a just a tinge when I wiped after I woke up this morning. I decided to ignore it but then just now I went again and there was more, kind of mixed in with some CM (sorry, tad TMI).

I’ve been stimming for six days (tonight will be the seventh shot of Gonal-f). Everything should just be hanging out in there, growing. I can’t think what it would be? I just left a message for my RE.