So the transfer went well this morning. As good as it gets was a phrase that was mentioned. My uterus was positioned perfectly, my bladder was just the right amount of full, my cervix was cooperative, the practice catheter and the actual catheter both went in perfectly, the embryos survived the thaw and looked really good, and yeah. The transfer went well this morning.
And ever since, all day long, I’ve been parked on the daybed in the office, trying not to freak out. I napped, I worked, I watched Bill Cunningham New York. I even listened twice to Circle+Bloom’s transfer day track.
I’m still freaking out. I realized this in the car on the way to the city, before the transfer. I dropped my water bottle in the garage and the top popped off, spilling water everywhere. Then we were running late and DH started speeding and driving aggressively. Everything felt so tense and I felt the tears starting and was sure it was all a sign that everything would go wrong, or would perhaps all be the cause of everything going wrong but somehow, some way, everything would go wrong.
The fact that the transfer went so right didn’t really matter. Everything went super right with my IVF cycle, supposedly. Look where that got me. I realized that I’m actually really, really scared of this failing too. Which is a different thing from hoping it will work. I’ve been so focused on moderating my hope level that I forgot to address my fear level.
I’ve decided not to put ANY kind of stock in symptoms. I did way too much of that last time.
I don’t know guys, it’s just so weird and nerve wracking and anxiety inducing, having the embryos inside me. Worrying about every sneeze and every physical strain. Trying my best to keep my bladder empty because that’s what they told me to do. Not wanting to hope but hoping. Yet not understanding how this could possibly work, or envisioning what this cycle right now working would look like. Knowing I have to wait until a WEEK from Monday for my beta. Wanting to talk to them and bond with them while they’re here, but not knowing how long they’ll be alive and kicking in there. And not wanting to spend time bonding with embryos that aren’t viable.
I thought FETs were easier (and they generally are) but the post-transfer, pre-beta stretch is still just as maddening.
Can I just take a nap until October 8th?