As good as it gets… or something

So the transfer went well this morning. As good as it gets was a phrase that was mentioned. My uterus was positioned perfectly, my bladder was just the right amount of full, my cervix was cooperative, the practice catheter and the actual catheter both went in perfectly, the embryos survived the thaw and looked really good, and yeah. The transfer went well this morning.

And ever since, all day long, I’ve been parked on the daybed in the office, trying not to freak out. I napped, I worked, I watched Bill Cunningham New York. I even listened twice to Circle+Bloom’s transfer day track.

I’m still freaking out. I realized this in the car on the way to the city, before the transfer. I dropped my water bottle in the garage and the top popped off, spilling water everywhere. Then we were running late and DH started speeding and driving aggressively. Everything felt so tense and I felt the tears starting and was sure it was all a sign that everything would go wrong, or would perhaps all be the cause of everything going wrong but somehow, some way, everything would go wrong.

The fact that the transfer went so right didn’t really matter. Everything went super right with my IVF cycle, supposedly. Look where that got me. I realized that I’m actually really, really scared of this failing too. Which is a different thing from hoping it will work. I’ve been so focused on moderating my hope level that I forgot to address my fear level.

I’ve decided not to put ANY kind of stock in symptoms. I did way too much of that last time.

I don’t know guys, it’s just so weird and nerve wracking and anxiety inducing, having the embryos inside me. Worrying about every sneeze and every physical strain. Trying my best to keep my bladder empty because that’s what they told me to do. Not wanting to hope but hoping. Yet not understanding how this could possibly work, or envisioning what this cycle right now working would look like. Knowing I have to wait until a WEEK from Monday for my beta. Wanting to talk to them and bond with them while they’re here, but not knowing how long they’ll be alive and kicking in there. And not wanting to spend time bonding with embryos that aren’t viable.

I thought FETs were easier (and they generally are) but the post-transfer, pre-beta stretch is still just as maddening.

Can I just take a nap until October 8th?

A few updates

If you haven’t already heard, episodes four and five of Bitter Infertiles are now available for your listening pleasure. Between these two episodes, we cover everything from therapy and antidepressants, to the Muppets and MTV. We chat about male infertility (well, how males deal with infertility), celebrity infertility, and Kardashian infertility. We also interview the popular Single Infertile Female (aka Leah) and review Keiko Zoll‘s new eBook! It’s basically a smorgasbord of infertility goodness. So how can you get in on the fun? Remember, you can subscribe to our blog. You subscribe on iTunes. Or you can even listen now on Stitcher!

I must say I’ve been touched by a recent series of posts by our fellow bloggers and listeners about how different topics we’ve explored have inspired or impacted them, or even just got them thinking. Trisha wrote a very open and honest post yesterday about anxiety and depression. Belle talked about how she too has been diagnosed with PTSD, in large part due to infertility. And then there was Alissa’s touching post about how IVF is supposed to work. Seeing how this project is starting to impact people in both big and small ways makes it all the more rewarding to be part of.

Speaking of Bitter Infertiles, a couple of episodes ago (crazy that I can say that now!), we asked for our listeners to send in their two week wait survival tips. We got some good ones, but we want MORE. So, as someone who’s about to enter into an FET TWW, I’m making a special plea to please send us your tips! You could very well end up on the podcast! Just email us at bitterinfertiles@gmail.com and let us know: How do you stay sane during the wait? Be sure to let us know whether or not you’d be comfortable with us mentioning your name, or if you’d rather be kept anonymous, that’s cool too.

So yeah. My FET is tomorrow. Less than 12 hours away. Nuts. Here’s a quick rundown of FET-related things if you’re interested:

-I survived taking all the meds while on a biz trip to NYC. My cousin had to do my IM injections but she handled it like a champ. The first two nights were fine, I was staying with her at her apartment. But the third night, she had to come meet me at my hotel. Thing is, I was sharing a small room with a girl I supervise. So I had to scope out the lobby bathroom, see if it would be adequate (it was, big, brand new, clean, and virtually empty as it was in the basement), then I had to find out how to get my hands on some ice. I brought Ziploc bags to get ice from the ice machine, only to find out they didn’t have ice machines. Turns out you had to call housekeeping to bring you some ice. So that presented a whole new challenge. And I don’t know if it was the ice in a bag (vs an ice pack) or the stress of the whole situation or WHAT but that night’s shot hurt like no other. But we got it done. And I managed to take my estrogen pills at every meal, despite eating three meals a day for two days with either a coworker, a client, or both.

-I’ve managed (I think) to temper any hope that’s bubbled up about this transfer. I’m trying to look at this FET as one of a series of three or four as we work through our seven embryos. I have hope, yes, but hope that ONE of the series will work out. Not necessarily this one. I still wish I could bury my head in the sand and have someone wake me up when it’s over, but unfortunately that’s not possible when you’re talking pills, and IM injections, and time of work for transfers, and other such things that require brainpower. Speaking of the series of FETs…

-I think I’m done taking breaks. Of course I reserve the right to change my mind at any time, but I’m feeling right now that I’d like to just fly through these FETs and then if we’re not pregnant after all of that, then take a nice long break to first and foremost, lose some of my infertility weight, and also just get balanced and focused again so we can figure out the next step. I think the next step would be another fresh cycle but we have to see. I’m not making decisions that far out. But for now, if this FET doesn’t pan out, I’d like to go right into the next one. I figure I can squeeze one, maybe two more in before the end of the year.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got for tonight. If I’m feeling up to it, I’ll post about how our transfer went tomorrow. Fingers crossed it all goes smoothly.

Removed

I have to admit, I haven’t felt much like blogging lately. It’s weird. With our IVF cycle, I wanted to share with the world. I blogged constantly. I opened up to friends and family about everything, every step of the way. I was just so much more present and involved.

This FET is happening. It’s in full swing. Our transfer is a week from tomorrow! That is blowing my mind right now. But I’m so much more withdrawn and out of it than I was with the IVF. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to dedicate any more real estate to it than is absolutely necessary.

If I had to guess, I’d say it’s because I don’t want to put stock into it. Because I think it will fail. And I don’t want to feel like another thing I worked really hard at failed. That’s what I’d guess. If I had to.

But I don’t have to. I can be removed from this if I want to be. My parents know nothing about this cycle even happening. I’ve barely talked to DH about it (though of course he knows everything that’s going on). Infertility is about survival more than anything. I’m just going to get through this series of FETs. And then I can figure ish out.

I guess part of this natural removal, this step back, has been some major slacking on the photo challenge front. And honestly, I’m not sure if I’ll continue it, as much fun as it’s been. It was supposed to be a fun distraction but it turns out I don’t need a distraction. I just want to turn everything off and tuck my head down for a while.

So if I seem a little scarce, that’s why. But I’ll be around. Here and there. Don’t wait up for me. But do leave the light on.

Just for fun

I must tell you friends, I got bored tonight. So I made this. We’ll see where it goes but for now, it’s just pure entertainment.

BTW, these “anecdotes” are not necessarily from me. Tried to make thing ring true for peeps at all stages of IF.

Potpourri

Here’s my attempt at catching up (again!) on the photo challenge, ready? WAIT.

Two quick things. One, the third episode of Bitter Infertiles… IS NOW LIVE! Whaaaat, awesome. Can I just point out how irresistible Mo’s bedroom voice is? If you don’t listen to another episode, at least listen to the first minute of this one. Am I right? This week we discuss the torture of the 2WW, dealing with prescribed sex, what happens when IVF fails, and surviving baby showers, among other things. We even assign you, dear listeners, some homework, so after you go and listen, email us! (bitterinfertiles@gmail.com) Your response could be read on our next episode! Which would make you famous! Or at least podcast famous. Which, I can now attest after helping host now two whole podcasts, is pretty rad. Just sayin’.

Next! Le cycle. So AF officially knocked down my door (finally!) yesterday. I started taking my pills, one when AF came, another after dinner (they’re meant to be taken twice daily). I called the clinic this morning and learned first of all that I’m meant to take TWO pills twice per day. So I took the wrong dosage yesterday but that’s probably not going to be a problem. I’m more happy because I got my dates. So check this out right. I take my two itty bitty pills twice a day through Saturday the 22nd. That day I go in at 8 am for my first and most likely only ultrasound of the cycle. If all looks good, I start the progesterone shots that night and my transfer is Wednesday the 26th.

This is perfect because I leave Saturday afternoon for my biz trip in NYC (I’m leaving a little bit early to help my cousin with a little project she’s working on) and I come back Tuesday night. Only thing is, said cousin is going to need to give me my shots. Eeps! That should be an interesting adventure. The only thing I’m worried about now is Monday night. I’ll be staying in a hotel room with the girl I supervise, who obviously knows nothing of my struggles with infertility. So, do I tell her? If not, how do I explain why my cousin and I are spending 10 minutes alone together in the bathroom? Hmmm… What would you do? Or I could stick myself in the thigh but that pretty much terrifies me.

Anyways, itty bitty pills. One ultrasound (ideally). One transfer. Some shots. I’m liking this FET more and more.

Alrighty then. The challenge! Here’s my next little batch o’ challenge photos.

6. Book

The Crimson Petal and the White was on my lap, begging to be read. When I took this.

7. Golden

Took this in Acadia, next to a seafood shack on the site of the road.

8. Music

Also from Acadia. Does anything sound so beautiful as a rainbow?

9. Honey

Pardon the literal interpretation, but who could resist this golden tower of sweetness? Taken at Savannah Bee Co. in Charleston, SC.

10. Morning

One fine morning at the beach. Pardon my heinous nails.

Pure

My contribution to the September Photo Challenge for today:

5. Pure

The purest I know. None purer.

Catch up

Have I really been gone that long? You trek to Maine for Labor Day weekend and come back to a chill in the air, September on your calendar and a whiff of that end of year panic that infertiles know all too well. Another year gone by and not a drop pregnant.

(Let me preface this entire post by saying that I’m feeling rather down tonight, so if this comes across as that, well.. it’s that.)

(Doesn’t help that I just watched the most touching tribute to Ted Kennedy.)(Also doesn’t help that DH left this morning for his third straight week out of town.)

(K stopping parenthetical writing…. now.)

Anyways, time to tidy up around these parts and play catch up on a few things. First! The second episode of Bitter Infertiles is now LIVE – yippee! Sadly, yours truly was unable to join due to the extreme lack of reliable service up in Acadia. But Mo, Jess and Cristy held down the fort quite well, if I must say so myself.

Go listen now! The episode features a discussion of the term “super fertility,” followed in quick succession by the term “super bitter infertiles,” the media’s portrayal of miscarriage, grieving miscarriages (listening to Mo talk about Nadav here is particularly moving), a wonderfully inspiring interview with Lori Lavender Luz of Write Mind, Open Heart (oh god, could I identify with the cigarette in the gas tank memory (maybe too well), healing through movement and creativity (brilliant), and also the idea of choosing to see your life in a way that makes you fulfilled), and then some much needed venting on celebrity pregnancies (WTF HOLLY MADISON!).

It’s pretty much awesome and you need to go listen now. Oh and also, we’re on iTunes now too! And we’re listed as “EXPLICIT,” so you know it’s good.

Okay, second! A confession: I peed on a stick today. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I just thought… maybe? My period is no where to be found but my temps have been high for over a week. It was negative, obviously. I would have led with that (I don’t have THAT much self control, obviously). But yeah. Officially waiting for AF to start taking the estradiol pills. Yaaaaaaaay FET. (Sarcasm, case you couldn’t tell.)

Finally, I am shamefully behind on the September photo challenge! I am cheating slightly here because most of these weren’t taken SPECIFICALLY for the challenge but they’re still photos I took so… I’m calling it fair enough. Also, I like loose photo challenge interpretations. Just me.

1. Beginning

Me and my college buddy, jumping in Maine on September 1

2. Fire

Mucho caliente (from our road trip down South to the beach)

3. White

This photo was inadvertently taken on my phone on September 3rd.
Equal parts creepy and cool, and totally ethereal.

4. School

Maine = The Way Life Should Be
(Taken in Bar Harbor, Sept 1)

This concludes our evening programming. Thank you for tuning in.