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Scary points

12 Oct

It hit me last night, just as I was drifting off to sleep, why I’m so crazy anxious these days. It’s because this is the general time frame when my only other dips into the pregnancy waters have ended. With my first miscarriage, I was so naive and out of sorts that I honestly don’t even know how far we got exactly. I want to say 6w4d, but I’m not entirely certain. I know we got to the ultrasound where we should have seen a heartbeat, and we did not. I know we never saw 7 weeks.

My chemical? Really went south between the 2nd and 3rd beta. Sound familiar? Of course the numbers were low from the beginning. My first beta was 17, the second was 44 (doubled! More than! Clearly didn’t matter!), the third was 15. And I’m also trying to take heart in the fact that during that whole roller coaster, my betas were each 48 hours apart. I’m taking it as a good sign that they decided they didn’t need to repeat the third beta until a week from Wednesday. The same was the case for Theresa and she just saw two amazing little heartbeats!

This goes back to a conversation I remember having with Cristy at some point (I can’t remember if it was on the podcast or not), that everyone who has experienced miscarriage or baby loss has a “scary point” in pregnancy, where their loss(es) happened in the past. I was talking yesterday to a support group friend who is about two weeks ahead of me and also pg with twins. She’s naturally worried, of course, but not a basket case like me. She has never lost though (and knock on everything, I hope she never will). I was reading back through Alissa’s blog last night too, and at the eight week mark she wrote:

“So today I am 8 weeks and I can’t believe I am starting all over again. Everyone hates the worry and the stress of the first trimester and honestly I can tell you that I have been doing pretty well with it. Of course I am nervous for each ultrasound, hoping with everything I have that I see that sweet little heartbeat. But I am more nervous for the second trimester. That is when everything went to hell for us. So for now, I am trying to stay calm and believe that this will work out however it needs to. At this point, I can’t do anything much to alter the outcome, so I will trust in my little baby. One week at a time.”

Her scary point is the point at which she lost Michael and Alena. Speaking of which, today is their angelversary. Please go read Alissa’s moving tribute and send her some love today! Wait til you see the very special present Alissa and her husband got for the twins.

So this is my scary point. There’s some comfort in realizing that, knowing there’s a real reason behind the madness inside my head (which by the way guys, you’ve only seen the tip on iceberg).  I’m also so hesitant to actually call myself “pregnant.” I was looking at my HPT lineup photo yesterday at work and noticed that I feel so removed from them. I’ll have trouble doing that until we have a successful ultrasound (if we ever do). We’ve never ever seen a heartbeat on an ultrasound. So even if the third beta is good, I’m still going be a basket case. I’ve got two weeks of basket casery ahead of me, if this journey continues. Guess I might as well settle in and get used to it!

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In other news, I’ve got a real tale from the waiting room for you. I met a woman from my clinic while waiting for my bloodwork on Wednesday who has been through 5 IUIs and 3 IVFs. She’s never had a positive pregnancy test and never had anything to freeze. She was there for her beta following her third IVF cycle but she said she took an HPT the day before and it was negative. My heart went out to her! She said she’s looking at February for their fourth round. I asked her if she was planning on having any further testing before entering into another round. Karyotyping? Endometrial biopsy? Anything? These terms all seemed foreign to her. The crazy thing is – she’s a physician! She said she was doing her fellowship at Harvard no less. She has about six months before her fellowship ends and she has to move back down south, where of course there is no IF coverage. So she’s trying to squeeze in one more cycle before then. At this point, I politely suggested she get a second opinion. I know I’ll probably never see her again, but I hope, hope, hope she finds her way to success.

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There was so much good news around the blogosphere this morning!

Ali @ Not All Dreams are Free got her BFP follow FET #1!

B @ Just Cycling Along got good news on beta #4 following a little scare!

And now for something completely different, Keiko @ The Infertility Voice is going to be on The Katie Show!

Go wish these ladies luck! Love good news.

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5 days til beta!

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On faith

11 Oct

By the time I sat down to dinner last night, I was feeling marginally better.  I read, and re-read, and re-read your comments yesterday and holy hell, did they help. Thank you. More than I can ever say, thank you. I talked to Cristy on the ride home. We agreed, everything is probably fine, I just need to find a way to keep my mind busy.

So instead of eating leftovers that I didn’t really want and that kind of made me feel sick to think about, I made the butternut squash and kale pizza I had been planning. It hit me as I was rolling out the stubborn dough that cooking may just be my salvation. Making that pizza was so therapeutic for me. I felt great after doing it and it tasted unbelievable.

I talked to DH and he was encouraging. He told me not to worry. He said he feels great about the number. It went up by over 1,000 in less than 48 hours! Truth.

Before bed I conducted my own meditation session. I’m trying to focus on this: what will be, will be. My uterus is a warm, welcoming place. My embryos are strong and burrowing and growing at their own special, healthy place. Whatever will be, will be, but let’s go ahead and welcome in hope, and assume (yes, assume), that everything will be just. Fine.

So I was feeling okay. And then I woke up feeling like shit again. Because I’m spotting. I mean, I was trying to deny it yesterday, but undeniably this morning, I am. It’s incredibly light brown and very scant, but sometimes it has little spots of tissue. (Hope you’re not having your breakfast as you read this.) I’m not really having symptoms. My boobs feel normal. I’m not that tired. I’m not peeing that much. I really feel almost nothing.

And suddenly that cocoon of “I’m fine, this is good, I’m totally fine” that I had built up around me came crashing down. Doesn’t help either that I feel like a complete asshole “complaining” in any way, shape or form right now. Because I am pregnant. But I just don’t know for sure if it’s going to last. I really don’t. I’m not complaining. I’m just terrified.

So! New plan: Watch the spotting. Don’t Google. Get thee to acupuncture. Distract, distract, distract (cooking, baking, shopping, going for walks, reading, watching documentaries, all must happen this weekend). Continue to send love and hope to whatever is in there, for however long it plans to stick around, because I am grateful for whatever this is, however it turns out.

I realized in the car this morning: I’m either going to have a miscarriage or a baby. Something big is going to happen either way. The miscarriage, well, it will be impossibly heartbreaking but, we’ve been there before. We can get through it, we really can. And if not that, then (hopefully), it’ll be a baby. It’s an honor just to be on this track. I really truly would rather be here than on the nope, sorry, no dice track.

And in the meantime, DH has faith, my RE has faith, my clinic has faith, you all have faith. That’s plenty enough faith to make up for my lack.

Beta #2 Results

10 Oct

You guys. I have been crawling up the walls today. Couldn’t think or focus. Could barely speak I was feeling so anxious. I definitely, definitely, definitely need to find a way to calm down. Like for real. Maybe time to go back to acupuncture.

I even called the office early to tell them to please, please call me because I thought I was maybe having an anxiety attack.

The number is in. The number is… fine. They’re happy enough with it that they’re not bringing me back in for a repeat beta for another WEEK. Jesus Christ.

2,538. Up from 1,508 in 46 hours. Doubling time of about 60 hours. (They didn’t tell me all this of course, I calculated it immediately upon hanging up the phone. She so didn’t want me to though. When I said, “it didn’t double,” she was like, “don’t even go there, it’s a good number, Dr. B is not worried.”)

Words that the nurse used to describe it: good, solid, robust, nice rise.

Progesterone, which I specifically asked to test, came back at 34.99, which is apparently good as well. If all looks good next Wednesday when my next beta is scheduled for (aka in 100 years), they’ll schedule an ultrasound for sometime between 6 1/2 – 7 1/2 weeks. So sometime during the week of Oct. 22nd – 30th.

I don’t know why I’ve been so tortured. I hate myself for this post. For not just relaxing and enjoying. We finally did it!  Why can’t I be there right now? Why can’t I be happy?

From wait to wait to wait. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

The bubble

9 Oct

There’s a scene at the beginning of Ghost (one of my fav movies of all time) where Sam and Molly are lying in bed together and Molly is asking Sam what’s wrong.

MOLLY
You’re worried, aren’t you? About
moving in together?

SAM
No. Not really.

MOLLY
Then what? The promotion?

SAM
I don’t know. A lot of things. I
just don’t want the bubble to burst…
Whenever something good happens to
me I’m just afraid I’m going to lose
it.

That’s where I am right now. I’m Sam, not wanting the bubble to burst. Everything seems to be going so well that I’m possibly even more freaked out than I would be if everything was going moderately well. It just seems to good to be true.

What if it’s two? What if it’s not two? What if it’s nothing? What if it goes away?

I know there absolutely nothing I can do to control whatever is about to happen. I just have to enjoy the ride and try to maintain my sanity in the meantime.

So much easier said than done.

Beta #1 Results

8 Oct

I am writing this from my newly downloaded WordPress app. Why? Because my power just went out! Best timing ever.

So, the nurse called about 30 minutes ago (god, it feels like 30 seconds ago!). I felt bad for ever doubting she would and was glad I had been napping for the past two hours instead of emailing her boss.

Anyways, I woke up and saw I had a missed call from a blocked number, which I just knew was her. Damn it! So I got the dog ready to go for a walk, tucked my phone into my bra and headed out. Not two steps out the door, it rings.

She asked me if I was sitting down, so I promptly sat down one of the deck chairs.

You’re like super pregnant, she said.

Oh my god. What was it?

One thousand, five hundred and eight.

I’m sorry can you repeat that?

1,508!!!!

1,508?

Yes.

I’ve never heard of such a thing!

How many did we put back?

Two.

Well, you probably have two happy babies in there. Or one very happy baby.

I go back on Wednesday for the repeat. I called DH on my walk and the man is in shock. Like, total shock. He was speechless!

I wanted nothing more than to get the walk over with, come home, eat!! (so hungry), and tell all you. But of course, the power was out. It’s still out. Rawr.

So yeah. That’s the number. I’m… probably in a little shock too and also speechless. Please universe, let it double!

11dp5dt

8 Oct

Test was darker still this morning and I’m starting to feel some slight queasiness happening. I actually gagged and heaved while making my pup’s food this morning (she eats this great healthy stuff called Honest Kitchen which sort of looks like green vegetable and meat oatmeal. Ugggh, just typing that…).

I raced into the city for my beta blood draw and as promised, my paperwork was taped to the locked clinic door, instructing me to go up to the peds lab for the draw (my clinic is in a big hospital). I asked the phlebotomist how long it takes to get the results. She said about two hours, then asked me if I took a urine test (clearly she saw what I was being tested for).

Me: Yes, and it was positive.

Her: So you just want to know how far along you are?

Me: I just want to know how strong the number is.

Her: Positive is positive.

I wanted to say, clearly you’ve never dealt with infertility or miscarriage! But I just sort of wanly smiled and kept my mouth shut. How could I possibly explain to this young woman all the angst and dire importance surrounding that number? How could I convey how my world revolves around it, the sun rises and falls on it, my future depends on it? To her, it was simply another beta hCG blood test.

I asked her what happens once they get the results. Do they go into some sort of computer system? I explained how my clinic was closed today. She said I probably wouldn’t hear until tomorrow.

And now… I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if the nurse was planning to check the system just to deliver me, one patient in probably hundreds, my personal results. Should I page the on-call doctor? Should I try emailing my RE? I really, really hate to be THAT patient. But at the same time, I’ve generated some $27,000+ in revenue for them. Aren’t I entitled to a little impatience about this?

It’s times like these that thoughts of building my own personal little lab in my basement seem… utterly logical.

Baby steps.

7 Oct

I want to thank you all again for your kind words of excitement and encouragement yesterday. They honestly meant the world to me and I read them over and over again. I still feel like I’m walking around in a surreal yet blissful dream state, while also having this strong feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Baby steps. I’m trying to take this one step at a time. The next step after yesterday’s flurry was to get as strong a line or stronger today as yesterday. I actually dreamed of getting a much lighter line this morning and feeling like an absolute idiot for yesterday. However, this morning’s test was just as dark, if not a hair darker, than yesterday.

I’m not going to post the picture I took though, because I had a moment of absolute panic yesterday that I didn’t handle everything in the best way. Did I flaunt it? Should I not have posted two pictures, or any pictures? I’m one of those infertiles who meets others’ BFPs with a mix of excitement and jealousy and anger. I’m guilty of having my happiness for others be directly correlated to how much it seemed they “deserved” it.

Wrong. So wrong, I know it. But I’m just being honest. So I know my test yesterday was met by many with similar mixed feelings. Some swallowed them enough to comment, others probably didn’t comment at all. I don’t blame them for that one bit. I am guilty of the same. At the same time, I didn’t want to not post, or to give a vague, short post either. As a reader, I don’t appreciate that. I get invested in the stories of the blogs I read and comment on. It’s hard when a blogger goes silent, only to reemerge at some later point fully pregnant.

Beyond that, if this isn’t meant to be, and I’m not sure it is, I want to share that journey too. All of it. The rise and the fall. So yes, thank you for sharing in it with me yesterday. And please know, I did my best and I respect that it may not have been the easiest for some. Though for me, even if this doesn’t work, I’m so encouraged by the fact that at least for some stretch of time, it went in the right direction.

Baby steps. I got my clinic to move my beta to tomorrow, though I don’t expect the results until later in the day. My clinic is technically closed tomorrow so I’m actually afraid I might go in for my test and then wait by the phone all day for no reason. Can’t worry much about it now though. Only thing to do is carry on.

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In other news, my dear friend Cristy is hosting another one of her sock exchanges! I can’t express how much it meant for me to have fun socks to wear during my procedures. All the clinic staff came to know me as the girl with fun socks, and by the way, everyone I’ve ever played the exchange game with is currently pregnant. Go to her blog to sign up. It’s easy.

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 Tonight I’m learning how to give myself my own PEO injection. DH will be out of town this week and without any family or IF friends living nearby, I’m forced to finally grow a pair and do this myself. We were thinking we’d try the thigh since that’s definitely an easier spot to reach than the backside, so last night DH gave me my shot in the thigh, just to test the pain factor. And OMG ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. Most painful shot ever. I could barely walk after. No way in hell am I ever doing an IM injection in my thigh again. So awkward bum shots it is! Luckily, Keiko made a video yesterday making this look even kind of fun. Though I know it’s really not. Anyways, it’s a good problem to have and I’m not complaining.