23 Jul

Whoa, feels weird to be any dp (days past) any dt (day transfer), I’ve only ever been dpo (days past ovulation) or dpiui (days past IUI).

So far, so good. I’m back at work again (thank goodness) and feeling pretty much back to normal, though things are a little “backed up” still, which can be uncomfortable. Trying to go about it the old fashioned fiber way though since Colace = hell for me, and it’s all you’re allowed during the TWW.

I’m generally trying to take things easy and tread lightly. Do I worry every time I sneeze or laugh really hard? Yeah. But I try to remember the peanut butter analogy and forge ahead. In general, my goal was to eliminate stressors this week and it seems like the universe is helping me along by giving me a lighter workload (and the very nice blessing of that nasty coworker being on vacation!).

I did just find out that DH will be out of town yet again next week, right at the time of my beta. ARGH! His business trips are always so terribly timed but this just feels like torture. Not being together when we find out the very good or bad news seems cruel, after all we’ve been through. And then there’s the looming threat of OHSS hanging over my head if I do get pregnant. I can’t see how I’ll manage to take care of everything without him.

I’m sorry, I know I sound really whiny right now. I know I’m so lucky to be in the position I’m in. I’m trying to listen to my Circle +Bloom advice and replace any feelings of fear or worry with feelings of gratitude this week. Easier said than done but I’ve got two little embabies counting on me.

Speaking of the embabies, it’s so crazy thinking of them inside me. I keep waffling between “I’m totally going to get pregnant” and “Of course I’m not going to get pregnant.” I keep thinking, are they still in there? Are they still alive in there? I’ve been feeling some gentle pressure/cramping from down there this morning but that could just be my still swollen ovaries, or even my other, err, problem.

I’m really trying to steel myself against the potentially bad news. I’m telling myself if it doesn’t work, it will be because my hormones were so out of whack and that a FET will definitely succeed. I’m telling myself it will be a relief to be free of the worry of OHSS, to not have to worry about being pregnant while on vacation next month (which will involve four full days of driving) or while camping (three full nights of sleeping under the stars). I’m telling myself it will give me time to rest, relax and recover, and maybe even get another tattoo.

But what I can’t tell is if I really mean all these things or they’re just things you say to protect your heart from the potential of bitter disappointment. Oh IVF TWW, how you torture me!


16 Responses to “2dp5dt”

  1. B July 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm #

    I think everyone does the same thing…think about all the *good* that can be if this month does not work out. How could we survive otherwise? I am thinking of you and hoping those embabies get nice and comfortable where they are!

  2. cassiedash July 23, 2012 at 2:35 pm #

    Oh, I know so well about trying to protect myself from bad news. Every cycle I tell myself, “This won’t be the one” so that I’m prepared, but it still hurts just the same. I’m hoping for peace and strength for you over this 2WW. And so sorry your hubs won’t be with you for beta day — the universe can be cruel. I’m thinking of you! ~ hugs ~

  3. Cristy July 23, 2012 at 4:52 pm #

    Two thoughts
    1) Drink water. Lots of it. With the fiber, it will help get things moving.

    2) I remember the dread and doubt during the 2ww. The more I read, the more I find it’s normal for the process. That said, I think this is going to work. I really do. It sucks that DH will be out of town for the beta, but I’m sure he will be glued to his phone. Hang in there and know that I’m sending so many sticking and grow thoughts your way! Lots of love

    • sass July 24, 2012 at 10:54 am #

      I second Cristy’s advice to keep yourself hydrated. Also…after trying many things (colace, bran, flaxseed, prunes) what worked for me is increasing the amount of fresh fruit I eat. I tried to eat at least 1 citrus (grapefruit, orange, tangerine, etc.) and 2 other fruits every day, and it did get things moving. (Watermelon may have been particularly helpful, I’m not sure.)

      Don’t worry about your doubts during this wait. It’s normal. It’s your way of protecting yourself. And it won’t affect the outcome. I do have a lot of hope for you! How is your bloating? Are you feeling okay in general? Chances are that OHSS won’t be a problem, and that one of these little guys will implant. (If they don’t, I think you’re right about FETs having a greater chance of success for some people.)

      Fingers crossed!

  4. Kate @ Infertile First Mom July 23, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

    Ohhh I’m going with that mild cramping being about implantation! I had the same feeling a couple of weeks before my BFP:)
    Thinking of you!

  5. Joanna July 23, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

    The 2ww is a complete nightmare, BUT, it will go by quicker than you think! I’m sorry I missed the transfer day, I’ve been a little out of it lately! I am so thrilled that everything went smoothly and you had 2 beautiful embies to transfer! Thinking of you and hoping and wishing the very best!!! FX!!!

  6. The Infertility Doula July 23, 2012 at 6:42 pm #

    The 2 ww wait is the worst. It all feel out of your control and you simply have to wait with your battling thoughts. Hang in there. We’ll be here when you’re ready to share the news.


  7. Patience July 23, 2012 at 9:46 pm #

    Ugh… the 2ww is the hardest of all. Thinking of you and hoping you have a positive outcome in the end! Here from ICLW.

  8. Lindsay July 24, 2012 at 12:48 am #

    Eeek!!! You made it, now you just have to get through this week and a few more days. You can do it!!!!

  9. Katie July 24, 2012 at 12:57 am #

    Hang in there! I am sending “make yourself super comfy in there” vibes to your embabies from Chicago!

  10. Emily @ablanket2keep July 24, 2012 at 1:52 am #

    Hang in here hon! Sending good vibes that your little embies dig in so so deep! I’m sorry your Hubby will be away on a business trip. Mine has been away for a few betas. Keep thinking positive thoughts. We will be too.

  11. DandelionBreeze July 24, 2012 at 4:43 am #

    Thinking of you and your gorgeous embies !! Sorry that I’m a little behind on your news… lovely that you could speak with your RE before your transfer about their advise. Such a hard decision… two is a great number 🙂 Rest up and hope the stress stays away xoxo

  12. Emily July 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm #

    Sending burrowing vibes across the internet! Nice that work is cooperating with a lighter load; too bad that DH won’t get to be there for the beta – we’ll be waiting for the results.

  13. Ren July 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm #

    Hello from ICLW !

    I hope that the embies are getting good and comfy in there – good luck!

  14. Kerry July 25, 2012 at 12:49 pm #

    Wishing you the best! Stopping by from ICLW.

  15. Lori July 25, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

    Hi there, first time commenter here. Just wanted to wish you the best! I just went through an IVF cycle may-june. Unfortunately for me it was a chemical. I hope you have a much more positive outcome 🙂 Adding you to my blogroll so I can read about the outcome!

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