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A hard conversation

27 May

I’ve been a bad IF blogger lately. All week I was away in New York for business. Not the best week to sign up for ICLW, I know! I’m so bad.  I completely forgot when I signed up. Sigh.

In other lame news, AF is still MIA. I’m so frustrated with her! I was supposed to be starting Lupron soon. As it stands now, even if she comes tomorrow, I’m still 21 days away from even that. And my guess? She’s not coming tomorrow. We’re out of state now for the long weekend but I’m going to insist on bloodwork and possibly an ultrasound as soon as I get back. Bloodwork to see WTF is going on and if we can jumpstart AF. Ultrasound because I’ve had these off and on nagging pangs in my right ovary and I want to make sure there’s not some monster cyst setting up camp there.

Other than that, my mind has been wandering toward adoption a lot lately. I just feel drawn to it, and up until this morning, I couldn’t really explain why. But then, lying in the guest room in my parent’s house this morning, DH and I engaged in one of the hardest conversations we’ve had yet since dealing with IF. I’m not sure why, but I rolled over this morning and just kind of blurted out, “I want to adopt.”

He waited a painfully long time before finally whispering back, “Right now?” Turns out, he isn’t so sure he wants to adopt at all, and he certainly doesn’t want to until we’ve exhausted IVF. Which is a perfectly fine feeling to have, and I had an inkling that he felt this way for sure, but this time it was harder to hear. It set me off crying and, after a lot of back and forth, finally I realized why.

I have very little faith that IVF will result in a take home baby for us. I’ve been wrestling with this on a semi-conscious level ever since I found out that was our next option. I want so desperately to be positive. I look at all those couples much older than me who struggle to conceive and struggle with miscarriage for a long time before IVF finally helps them. But I just have this hunch that whatever is causing us to have so much trouble conceiving and whatever is causing us to have so much trouble keeping pregnancies, is connected. It seems to me we’re just too young to not be having something more serious going on. Something genetic or perhaps something in the way our stuff combines, or doesn’t combine, is effed up.

And so, if IVF isn’t going to work, I have to know that there’s a Plan B (or I guess at this point, it’s really a Plan C, or a Plan F, depending on your definition of plans). I have to have my baby and I no longer care where she comes from (in my mind, she’s a she for some reason?). I don’t care what she looks like, what color her skin is, what shape her eyes are or what texture her hair is. I don’t care if she looks absolutely nothing like me. I just need someone to hand me a little person and say, this perfect child right here is YOURS to love and to raise.

One area where DH and I really differ is, he hasn’t let go of that desire to see his own genetic material furthered in another human being. And if he can have biological children, he sees no need to adopt. I don’t want to keep turning adoption into this “last resort” because if we do end up permanently vacationing at said last resort? I don’t want it to feel that way. And I’m scared of how long it takes and scared of not even beginning the process until after cycle upon failed IVF cycle (could mean at least another year of failure and waiting before even starting what I’ve heard takes at least two years). Unlike him, I’d be happy to have a blended family of both biological and adopted children. I can’t see any reason why not to pursue both paths simultaneously. Bottom line? I want my family. I’m sick of waiting. I want my family.

But we differ. And I guess that’s okay. I mean, it has to be. The way the conversation ended, I told him that I needed him to at least tell me that adoption is not off the table for the future, and he promised as much. He also asked me to try to be more positive about IVF and I told him I would try.

So here we are. We are here.

 

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Update

1 May

So, here’s where I’m at. I talked to my RE himself today. It’s kind of blurry now but he told me that the bleeding was caused by my follicles reabsorbing, something about swollen ovaries and cysts bursting and that the pain would go away.

I told him I had been charting and hadn’t seen an indication that I ovulated. He said that was because I didn’t have a trigger shot and then made it seem like I wouldn’t be ovulating at all the cycle. This was very confusing to me but I accepted it. I asked if I would have a period in that case. He said I would but it wouldn’t be normal. Okay.

He told us to come in on Wednesday to sit down and map out a plan for how we’re going to get me pregnant (IVF, I presume?). I got off the phone feeling a little silly for even thinking we could “try” this cycle since it sounded like I was never destined to release those eggs I had grown.

But then a few hours later the nurse called. I guess she didn’t get the memo that I had spoken to Dr. B. Now, she gave me the indication that this bleeding WAS being caused by ovulation. I told her that Dr. B had made it seem like I wasn’t ovulating but she said that with as many eggs as I had, it would be pretty impossible NOT to.

Okay.. wha? I am so confused now. Was Dr. B lying? Did he not want to tell me he suspected I was ovulating so that I didn’t run out and grab DH to try on our own? Or does he really not believe I could have ovulated? But if that is the case, why did he keep telling us not to have sex this past week? Is the nurse right? Is this ovulation bleeding? Could it, despite the crazy temps, against all possibly odds, be implantation bleeding? ARGH, I hate the not knowing!

The bleeding is tapering off now. The blood was pink and red last night and earlier today, now it is brownish black. It has definitely been more than spotting. Enough to fill up a few pantyliners today. I’m not in pain but I’d definitely say I’m still “feeling” my ovaries.

I feel bad for my body. I feel like I let Western medicine completely mess with it this cycle, but we didn’t even finish what we started and that left my lady parts very confused. I think I just want this weird, confusing cancelled cycle to resolve so I can move onto whatever is next.

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At the wedding this weekend, I observed our family friend who is only a few years older than me but who has four stunningly gorgeous children (she herself is possibly one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen). The littlest one just turned one and she is so precious. I made a joke at one point about stealing her and DH sort of scolded me for saying so. And then I got all teary because I realized that having her would do it for me. Having almost any baby to call my own would do it for me. I just want my baby.

Then later at the wedding, I observed this same little one being held by her Daddy. He was feeding her little bits of food and I got teary all over again, watching a man be so loving and gentle with his tiny baby girl. DH was standing right beside me and I ached all over. I want that for him so badly. I want to witness that scene more that anything. But to have it be my husband. And my baby.

One day. I sincerely hope one day I will be so very blessed.

Bring home baby Elvie

20 Apr

One of my favorite blogs, Girls Gone Child (yes, she’s an uber-fertile but I love her, have for years. I want to rub uteruses with her in the hopes of tapping some of her fertility), just put up this post about the McBride family. They have one beautiful daughter that they adopted from Ethiopia (Zinashi) and are trying to bring home their second (Elvie)… however precious 8-week old Elvie has a major birth defect so they’re speeding up the process to bring her home to the U.S. and get her treatment as soon as possible.

I couldn’t help but tear up when I watched this short video from Mary’s first moments with Zinashi. DH and I have a close and personal connection with Ethiopia (I won’t say just what to protect anonymity) and I feel it would be such an honor and a blessing to adopt a baby from there. How special is this moment?!

Yes, this is a post asking for money. But it’s really more of a loan, and it will help more than just little Elvie. Here’s what Mary says (via GGC):

Our baby, who we will call Elvie, is 8 weeks old and is waiting for us in Ethiopia. She has a major birth defect that affects the lower half of her body and so we’re fast tracking all her paperwork and working together with the Ethiopian authorities and US Embassy to get her home as soon as possible, hopefully in June or early July. The medical evaluations that were done in Ethiopia were inconclusive, so we need to get her into the US as soon as we can have the magnitude of her need assessed. We do know that she will need at least one major surgery. I am trying not to dwell on that too much, as it scares me to bits to think of my tiny baby in surgery.

This happened way faster than we thought it would, so we’re scrambling to raise funds to get her adoption fees paid so we can get her home for medical evaluations and to get a surgery plan in place. All the money we raise to get her adoption completed and get her home will be paid back to charity with an additional 10% from us as interest and an additional 10% from a donor who is matching that portion–so every donation grows by 20%, helping bring Elvie home and then helping others.

Here’s how you can help. Go to Mary’s blog, Finding Magnolia. Click on the DONATE button on the upper left hand side. Help this baby, this family, and many other babies and families.

It’s pretty simple. And wholly wonderful. I’m donating now. To read more about Elvie, click here.