The precipice.

13 Mar

Everyone I know is pregnant.

Okay, not everyone. But a great many people that I know personally are currently hosting occupants in their uteri. Which is cool. I no longer feel that familiar, infertility-induced twinge of pain when I get that news. There is a twinge of something though.

I think it’s because, when your kid reaches a certain age, it’s only natural to address the question of number two. If it didn’t occur to you first, it certainly did after you’ve been questioned about it for the millionth time, and questioned you will be.

The thing is, I can’t easily answer that question for people without going into all the caveats, nuances and traumas that influence that answer. Do we want another child? Yes, but.

Yes, but we don’t know if we can conceive on our own. Yes, but we are worried that ART played a role in J’s birth defect. Yes, but we are still slightly traumatized by my pregnancy, J’s birth, and her infancy. Yes, but we don’t know when the time is right. Yes, but part of me wants to wait until J is more aware of her impending big sister status, and we can enjoy that excitement together.

Still, I feel my heart calling for number two. I crave a newborn, and all the typical newborn things I didn’t get with J. I want another chance at a healthy pregnancy and a natural delivery.

But I know that there are no guarantees. We may face secondary infertility and we may have to do IVF again. I may get pre-eclampsia again and I may have to have another cesarean. The baby might not be totally healthy and we might have to spend more than a few days in the hospital.

Five months ago, I became unexpectedly pregnant. We were not trying. But then again, we never knew why we struggled to conceive. So I took it as a gift. It scared the sh*t out of me, but it was a gift. And then spotting led to an ultrasound led to an ectopic diagnosis led to a shot that didn’t work led to increasing hCG led to please take my tube out before it bursts and I bleed out internally, which ultimately led to surgery to remove my right tube.

And honestly? I’m glad it’s gone. I realized that it might have been the problem, or part of the problem at least, all along. During my initial IF workup, they couldn’t see my right tube. They chalked it up to a muscle spasm, or something along those lines, but who knows.

So that’s where I stand. Wanting, but afraid. Somewhat of a precipice, but maybe it just feels that way. From here, I’ll have to just see which way the wind blows.


5 Responses to “The precipice.”

  1. Courtney March 13, 2015 at 9:22 pm #

    So great to see a post from you pop up! But oh man, I’m sorry to hear about your ectopic pregnancy. Such excitement turned into horrible fear and dread. I’m so sorry.

    Oh the questions that never stop. I’m sort if happy to have a medical situation that almost requires (and definitely pushed) us to stop at #2. It’s easy to blow people off with, “I have a bad uterus that almost killed us both the last time”. It’s nice to stop the questions quickly. Of course, then the people who know we have embryos left ask what we’ll do work them and why don’t we just “give them to someone else”. You know, as if they’re nothing to us. 😉

    Your particular pregnancy and infant experience would scare the crap out of me. I have a friend who delivered at 24.2 weeks and she has no intentions of having #2. Getting her daughter healthy was enough for her, and I get it!

    Hugs. It never gets easy.

  2. Northern Star March 14, 2015 at 3:40 am #

    I’m also glad to see a post from you pop up! We are in #2 adoption waiting angst and it sucks. So. Bad. I thought it would be easier and it just isn’t.

    What an awful experience with the ectopic and losing your right tube. So scary and traumatizing.

    Infertility and loss are just awful. Yes, the pain is dulled with #1 at home, no doubt. But there is a lot of stuff that just never goes away.

  3. Alissa S March 14, 2015 at 5:32 am #

    I’s sorry to hear of your tube trauma. That is so scary and difficult. I understand your hesitation. I too go back and forth about trying for a second. I just feel that it won’t happen without drastic measures and I don’t want to do IVF again. The pain doesn’t always end with a take-home baby. I wish you well in your journey to figure out your future family situation. Glad to see you back here.

  4. noemi March 14, 2015 at 7:31 am #

    Oh my god Shelley! I have been thinking about you. Wondering about you. Wondering about J. It’s so good to hear from you. It’s so not good to hear about your ectopic. I’m so sorry. What a traumatic experience.

    Abiding with you. And sending love and light.


  5. Trisha March 15, 2015 at 5:16 am #

    Oh Shelley I am so sorry about what you went through. All of it. I can only imagine how much mental recovery J’s birth took then to have an ectopic on top of that. But I can also deeply understand your wanting another newborn experience. Whenever and whatever you do is up to you to decide what best for you and your family. Thinking of you friend!

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