9dp5dt

I think I really allowed hope to take hold after the spotting tapered off, by midday on Thursday. I’m not sure why but it was so light and so short and then gone, really truly gone. It seemed like a good sign.

I went out yesterday and paid $40 for one pack of FRERs and one of ClearBlue Digis. Ridiculous. This is why I don’t buy these things. I was so tempted to test yesterday. So, so tempted. But I avoided it. I wanted to do it with DH and we had agreed on Saturday.

I woke up at 5 a.m., needing to pee and completely restless. I tried to fall back asleep but it was impossible. So I rolled over and whispered to DH, “I have to pee.” And we both got up immediately and went to the bathroom.

I peed in the cup. We dipped the stick for 20 seconds. Then we set it down on the counter and walked away. “Don’t look at it,” I said. We set a timer on DH’s phone and went and laid down together in the guest room while we waited. Those might have been the longest four minutes of my life.

I wanted DH to go back in the bathroom and look at the stick but he wanted to do it together. So we rose, grabbed hands and walked back in, eyes closed. And then we opened our eyes and both looked.

 

I hate to use the cliched I’m in complete shock, but I was. There’s two lines on there, he said. Yep. There are. Am I dreaming? We did wake up and this is real right now, right?

So then of course I had to grab the digital.

 

I honestly never thought this would really happen for us. Of course the shock was immediately followed but terror because, we’ve been down this road before. Twice. And yet we still have exactly zero babies in our arms. We’re not naive. We know this is but one small victory in a string of battles ahead. We’ve far, far from won the war.

(I can’t believe this is me writing this post right now. )

But for right now, for today, I am pregnant. Nine days ago, I had an embryo transfer. And today I woke up and got a BFP. And that’s enough to give me more joy and hope than I think I’ve ever had. So damn it, I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.

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I did call my RE’s office to see if I could come in early for my beta. Of course, since it’s Saturday, they didn’t answer. I left a message but they haven’t returned it. I can’t decide if I should call the doctor on call or not.

See the issue is, my beta was moved from Monday to Tuesday, because of Columbus Day. (Yeah, I would’ve been freaking out about that way more if I didn’t know I was going to test today anyways.) But now, the thought of sitting on this until Tuesday without a number to hang onto is almost unbearable. Ideally, today would be the first beta and Tuesday would be the second.

But I may just have to wait and see.

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Holy shit.