Baby steps.

7 Oct

I want to thank you all again for your kind words of excitement and encouragement yesterday. They honestly meant the world to me and I read them over and over again. I still feel like I’m walking around in a surreal yet blissful dream state, while also having this strong feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Baby steps. I’m trying to take this one step at a time. The next step after yesterday’s flurry was to get as strong a line or stronger today as yesterday. I actually dreamed of getting a much lighter line this morning and feeling like an absolute idiot for yesterday. However, this morning’s test was just as dark, if not a hair darker, than yesterday.

I’m not going to post the picture I took though, because I had a moment of absolute panic yesterday that I didn’t handle everything in the best way. Did I flaunt it? Should I not have posted two pictures, or any pictures? I’m one of those infertiles who meets others’ BFPs with a mix of excitement and jealousy and anger. I’m guilty of having my happiness for others be directly correlated to how much it seemed they “deserved” it.

Wrong. So wrong, I know it. But I’m just being honest. So I know my test yesterday was met by many with similar mixed feelings. Some swallowed them enough to comment, others probably didn’t comment at all. I don’t blame them for that one bit. I am guilty of the same. At the same time, I didn’t want to not post, or to give a vague, short post either. As a reader, I don’t appreciate that. I get invested in the stories of the blogs I read and comment on. It’s hard when a blogger goes silent, only to reemerge at some later point fully pregnant.

Beyond that, if this isn’t meant to be, and I’m not sure it is, I want to share that journey too. All of it. The rise and the fall. So yes, thank you for sharing in it with me yesterday. And please know, I did my best and I respect that it may not have been the easiest for some. Though for me, even if this doesn’t work, I’m so encouraged by the fact that at least for some stretch of time, it went in the right direction.

Baby steps. I got my clinic to move my beta to tomorrow, though I don’t expect the results until later in the day. My clinic is technically closed tomorrow so I’m actually afraid I might go in for my test and then wait by the phone all day for no reason. Can’t worry much about it now though. Only thing to do is carry on.

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In other news, my dear friend Cristy is hosting another one of her sock exchanges! I can’t express how much it meant for me to have fun socks to wear during my procedures. All the clinic staff came to know me as the girl with fun socks, and by the way, everyone I’ve ever played the exchange game with is currently pregnant. Go to her blog to sign up. It’s easy.

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 Tonight I’m learning how to give myself my own PEO injection. DH will be out of town this week and without any family or IF friends living nearby, I’m forced to finally grow a pair and do this myself. We were thinking we’d try the thigh since that’s definitely an easier spot to reach than the backside, so last night DH gave me my shot in the thigh, just to test the pain factor. And OMG ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. Most painful shot ever. I could barely walk after. No way in hell am I ever doing an IM injection in my thigh again. So awkward bum shots it is! Luckily, Keiko made a video yesterday making this look even kind of fun. Though I know it’s really not. Anyways, it’s a good problem to have and I’m not complaining.
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11 Responses to “Baby steps.”

  1. sams October 7, 2012 at 2:15 pm #

    You didn’t offend me in the slightest when you posted your happy news. Post as many POAS photos as you like! You deserve this moment. And I want to cheer right by your side for the next 9 months. 🙂

  2. Katie October 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm #

    YOU deserve it! YOU can post your news whatever way you want! YOU wrote about it beautifully and I am so happy for you. Baby steps is right, but at least you took the first one!

  3. Aplatanada October 7, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

    You have been through so much and deserve to celebrate a little! Congratulations again. So excited for you- hoping and praying for continued good news.

    I was always so encouraged by infertiles’ BFPs. Such a happy reminder that there is hope for us. I have no doubt you will continue to show sensitivity as you move forward. 🙂

  4. Alicia October 7, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    My humble opinion – don’t sweat it. We all deserve pregnancy and healthy babies, which includes you. Our own feelings are mixed, for sure, but not targeted at you. They are targeted at infertility. You have worked so hard for this and you are pregnant! Thank you for thinking of the rest of “us”, but celebrate girl! You made it! We are overjoyed that one of our own saw a second line!!!

  5. Sarah October 7, 2012 at 3:09 pm #

    You handled everything just perfectly yesterday….There was no flaunting, just posting the facts….every BFP in the ALI community is met with mixed feelings. But we all do celebrate with you those 2 beautiful lines. Yes, it can be hard for those still trying, or those fresh off a failed cycle. But we have all struggled so we celebrate when one of our comrades beats IF and gets to see those 2 lines. I had no problem admitting my jealousy, but I also have no problem hoping and praying this is the one for you! Although I may hold it against you that you made me stare at something you peed on, LOL!

    As for the PIO shots in the butt…yeah SOOOO much less painful than the thigh. Good luck. I had to give myself all my shots because my husband couldn’t handle the needles.

  6. Alissa October 7, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

    I’m still so thrilled! I did the happy dance in front of my husband after hearing your news and he thought I was insane.
    I never wanted to try the thigh, I somehow knew it would suck bad. I’ve done the PIO shots in the bum a few times myself and they are awkward, especially on the left with my ‘bad’ hand, but if you try a little closer to your hip, in the love handle region it can be done. It just takes forever to twist and push in that thick progesterone. We do what we must do eh?

  7. alloallo October 7, 2012 at 5:44 pm #

    it’s so hard to know how to do this all sensitively but it is so clear that you’ve been really thoughtful and careful about this all, you deserve to be happy to enjoy it and to hope for wonderful things to come. I don’t think any of us want any less for you.

  8. Theresa October 7, 2012 at 10:47 pm #

    Your post was not offensive in the slightest!!! Waiting for fabulous news tomorrow!!!

  9. MrsBun October 7, 2012 at 11:44 pm #

    Do not worry that you have offended anyone. I had been checking in on you wanting to see this news and I’m sure I’m not alone. Enjoy the moment xox

  10. Gina October 8, 2012 at 7:11 am #

    ” I’m one of those infertiles who meets others’ BFPs with a mix of excitement and jealousy and anger. I’m guilty of having my happiness for others be directly correlated to how much it seemed they “deserved” it.”
    You are so honest to admit it. I am the same way. I had no jealousy yesterday whatsoever when I read your post. From what I’ve known of you in the last couple of years, you are never one to flaunt anything and you’re always so considerate and sensitive of others’ feelings. Just like today. You totally deserve it, if there really is such a thing! I felt nothing but happiness and excitement for you!
    As for IM by yourself in the butt, I’m sorry I have nothing to offer you. The thigh experiment sounds terrible! I’ll definitely keep that one in mind. I remember Nicole did her trigger shot by herself. Maybe you can ask her for her input?
    Looking forward to hearing more news tomorrow!

  11. marwil October 8, 2012 at 10:13 am #

    Huge congratulations to your two lines! and best of luck for today’s beta test. This is a very honest post and everyone reacts differently when reading news of a pregnancy. Sometimes I can handle it and other times I have to step back for a while. I think that’s just natural. With that said I think you should celebrate and feel free to write about it however you like.

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