Out of my control

25 Oct

The circumstances of this early pregnancy have thrown all of my expectations and fantasies out the window. Which is okay. I’m really okay with it. Ever since I accepted the fact that I’m an infertile, I gave up on the fantasies. The “just get married and poof – you’re knocked up” fantasy. The “BFP resulting from that one passionate night” fantasy.

Those fantasies are so long gone, I don’t even miss them anymore.

With this past FET cycle, we didn’t tell everyone in the world that we were doing it, unlike our IVF cycle. Very few people knew, which allowed me to concoct a new fantasy wherein I got to announce my pregnancy to family, friends and coworkers after reaching the end of the first trimester.

I thought up this whole thing where we reveal the news to my parents at Thanksgiving. It was going to be great. I was going to give them a “belated anniversary gift” in front of everyone that was our ultrasound pictures. It was going to be beautiful. Everyone was going to cry. It would be amazing.

Except, the bleeding and spotting happened. With the first bleeding episode on the day of my third beta, I spilled the beans to work. I told my supervisor and bosses that I was most likely miscarrying twins. I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t really, really think it was over (but I really, really did). When everything ended up looking okay, for the time being, after that first ultrasound, well, the cat was out of the bag with the higher ups at work.

Which was fine, but the more I kept them in the loop, the weirder it felt to have them knowing and not my parents, who I am truly very close with. After the second ultrasound on Monday, which was so inconclusive, scary, heartbreaking and yet encouraging, I decided I needed to tell them. I realized that I’m just never going to get that magical announcement moment. If history tells me anything, I’m always going to have spotting in early pregnancy, which means threatened miscarriage. And if we’re on that path, I need my support network.

So now my parents know and that’s good, I’m glad they know. It feels better this way. Though I do have to let go of the Thanksgiving reveal fantasy.

This week has been very hard on me. I’ve been really struggling with the nausea and sickness. Tuesday was the worst, couldn’t keep anything down. The dark brown spotting has also continued, sometimes with clotty, stringy looking stuff. Worst of all, my husband has been out of town, which I always hate, but especially now with the way I’m feeling and having to do everything on my own. He feels absolutely awful about it. He cried to me last night that he’s worried I’ll get stressed out with him out of town, which will cause something bad to happen and it will be his fault. Poor thing.

Emotionally, aside from being completely overwhelmed, I haven’t really been freaking out. I think I’m tired of freaking out. Here’s what I think is happening: I lost Baby A. Everything that’s coming out is part of that sac breaking up. Meanwhile, Baby B is strong. That’s why I’m so sick. I am fine with all of it. As long as I come out of this with a healthy baby, anything can happen and I’ll be fine with it.

Basically, nothing is going the way I thought it would or wanted it to and that’s okay. It’s all out of my control and I’m finally coming to terms with that.

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18 Responses to “Out of my control”

  1. Belle October 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

    I have been thinking about you non stop. I’m so sorry your perfect moments are not so perfect, but I’m really REALLY glad you still feel like garbage. That is a good sign. I’m here if you need anything. xoxo

  2. chon October 25, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    I hate the first trimester all you want to do is get through it and out the other side. Stay string x

  3. sams October 25, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    I’m happy for you that you told your parents, even if it wasn’t the super special reveal moment that you were hoping for. But now you have two more people to pray for that baby of yours to grow strong and healthy over the next 7+ months! *hugs*

  4. Sarah October 25, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

    I was the same way…I had this whole announcement thing all planned out and then the bleeding happened. My parents were in the loop, but there were other members of my family and some of my friends to whom I wanted to make this big announcement to and I didn’t really get to do that…it is a fertile’s fantasy…us IFers just want to make it one more day…

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

  5. Tami October 25, 2012 at 5:51 pm #

    What I realized a while ago (because I had those wonderful reveal fantasies too) was that no matter how or when you tell your parents about a pregnancy, it will very special for them. This is their potential grandchild and nothing will ruin that. I can guarantee that they will never look back and say, “I regret not being surprised at our anniversary”. And I’m guessing if things go as planned, you won’t either. Thinking of you a lot and sending you much strength.

  6. sass October 25, 2012 at 6:01 pm #

    **hugs** It’s almost Friday and I hope you can take it easy this weekend. I wish that this BFP had been easier for you, but I know that you’re a strong lady and you’ll hang in there. I’m glad that your parents can be there to support you now. Thinking of you.

  7. Lisa October 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm #

    I so totally understand and connect with your comments about letting go of the dream of making a big announcement in a creative and memorable way. Because my in-laws have funded all of our IF treatment, everyone has always been in the know. It takes some of the fun out of it, but it is nice to have the moral support when you need it. I think you’ve taken a very healthy attitude about everything. I too have decided to try and let go of the fear. It accomplishes nothing other than making you miserable, and that’s a crappy way to go through each day. I really hope Baby B is growing stronger and you can start to trust that things will work out after next week’s ultrasound. Thinking of you!

  8. Mrs Bun October 25, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

    xox

  9. Courtney October 25, 2012 at 8:21 pm #

    IF and ART totally takes away the possibility of making a fun “We’re having a baby” announcement. I am an over-sharer and just felt wrong not telling my parents (but I did because I was tired of the, “better get on it, you’re not spring chicken” comments) and like you, I needed time off work so I had to let them in on it. It’s even worse when it doesn’t work out and you have to start all over again.

    My solution to this is to keep one family in the dark. B’s parents know that we’re in the timeframe to try for another baby, and his mother asked me the other day if I’m “doing your thing” (Jesus! “my thing?”) – but I simply said yes and dropped it. My parents, sisters, friends, and internet friends all know that we’re pregnant, but his family does not. We will tell them at Christmas with an ultrasound photo. Not so fun for me because I don’t like them – but it will make it fun for them and that’s what matters. Does your DH’s family know about all of this, or is there a possiblity to surprise them?

  10. Joanna October 25, 2012 at 9:16 pm #

    I have been thinking about you a lot. The horrible thing about IF is that most of the time it strips away all of the “normalcy” we crave for a miracle pregnancy. We want to share good news like everyone else, but instead we are scared with betas and ultrasounds until when we finally find out we are so relieved its hard to say anything at all. I am so sorry to you for having to accept this way but at the same time I am glad you are handling it the way you are. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and I hope hubs comes home soon. Don’t be afraid to lean on your parents now that they know, it sounds like they will be a great support. And right now that is what you need friend. (((hugs)))

  11. Seagull October 25, 2012 at 10:32 pm #

    I completely understand you about letting go of the fantasies. But the keep popping up, don’t they? I think you made the right decision to bring your support group into what is going on. Just switch your fantasy to keeping the name a secret or something! Hang in there with all the scary stuff happening – i cant imagine how hard it is to live in both places right now of hope & fear. Hugs

  12. pcosbarrenness October 25, 2012 at 11:52 pm #

    So sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it is to wait for some answers…

  13. Lisa @ hapahopes October 26, 2012 at 12:21 am #

    Thinking of you Shelley. I am so hoping and praying that everything calms down in there and you can have a happy and healthy pregnancy with a lovely little one at the end. It’s your turn, dammit.

  14. Hattie October 26, 2012 at 12:39 am #

    I so understand feeling the loss of not having that magical moment. But I know their joy is not diminished. Keep looking forward!

  15. jjiraffe October 26, 2012 at 7:47 am #

    Shelley, this sounds really hard. I wish I were closer so I could bring you some herbal tea and sympathy. Xoxo

  16. Martha October 26, 2012 at 11:38 am #

    Just a quick comment that I had your exact same symptoms (early bleeding that continued on and off for weeks, until I was 15 weeks, yikes) with the same situation (one healthy baby, one empty sac)…. And I am still pregnant and now due in 5 weeks. Like you, I had a miscarriage before and seeing all the blood was terrifying. But also like you, I still had a lot of nausea and ‘feeling pregnant’ in those early weeks. The good thing is there’s a good explanation for the blood.
    It CAN be OK. Hoping for the best for you and your husband.

  17. Alicia October 26, 2012 at 3:26 pm #

    If there is any one thing I’ve learned throughout this process, it’s that nothing goes as planned and that it’s all out my control. Take care.

  18. Alissa October 28, 2012 at 4:29 am #

    I am so sorry you even have to have these concerns. We should be able to just enjoy our pegnancies…but it doesn’t work out that way does it? I’m thinking of you and hope things calm down from here on out. You deserve a little peace.

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