Right now

2 May

I listened to a really beautiful new RadioLab this morning about an infertile couple who finally conceived via donor egg, only to have their daughter born at 23 weeks 6 days. They touched on so many things I could relate to directly. The pain of infertility. The scariness of being a parent. The uncertainty of the concept of viability. The insanity of the NICU. They even briefly mention a baby with gastroschisis.

So maybe I did cry a little a lot all the way into work, and then stopped to pee and treat myself to a iced caramel macchiato because shit, this is hard right now. Two nights ago I completely lost it and wailed to DH about how terrified I am and how sad I am that my tiny, helpless little baby has to face so much the moment he’s born. DH asked me what my worst fear was and I said it’s that Turtle will die. Right, isn’t that obvious? That hasn’t even crossed DH’s mind, it’s not even one of his main worries. He’s such a rock and he cooks and cleans for me and handles everything so well and I swear, he’s the greatest gift I’ve ever received. I hope my son is just like him.

But honestly, that podcast gave me hope. Babies are so amazing and strong. They talk about how sick babies demonstrate their will to live. I know Turtle has that will and he will fight (even though he doesn’t even know the wonderful life we have planned for him) and he will be okay. One day we’ll go camping with him. One day we’ll take him to New Orleans and lift him above the crowds onto a ladder chair and let him catch the Mardi Gras beads. One day we’ll feed him injera and talk about Ethiopia, where his father was born, and another time, he’ll sit around a table with his two amazing uncles and his Russian grandmother will feed him blinchiki for breakfast. There will be reading, so much reading, and so much singing.

At one point early on in the podcast, the father said that having children means embracing a future that you can’t control (cue the first round of tears). I can’t think of a better way to describe it.

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4 Responses to “Right now”

  1. Mo May 2, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

    What a beautiful sentiment to end on. No wonder you were in tears. I think you’re braver than you give yourself credit for. Of course you’re terrified. But you will get through this.
    My high-risk doula told me something the other day that I need to start embracing:
    These are our kids, so of course they’re strong. Because we are, and they are a part of us.
    *hugs*

  2. kate May 2, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

    So much love for you right now, girl. As someone who has just been through so much I can feel your pain. Just remember, no matter what, you can handle it. And know that we’ve all got you in our hearts sending strength out into the universe for you.

  3. Amy May 2, 2013 at 5:32 pm #

    I listened to that episode just yesterday, and immediately thought of you when they mentioned the baby with gastroschisis. You are SO brave. As I just commented to Mo yesterday, too – scared shitless and doing it all anyway, despite the fear. You two are amazing, literal heroes to me. So much love to you and the Turtle!.

  4. Theresa May 3, 2013 at 12:34 am #

    Babies have overcome amazing things, and yours will too. You have done so awesome so far. I like what Mo said – I think it rings so true.

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