Week by week

29 Apr

Week by week. That’s how we’re taking things at this point, according to Dr. Kind this morning.

At our weekly ultrasound, the dilations have continued to grow (many are over 3 cm now) and alarmingly, to me at least, my amniotic fluid has shot up. We had been hearing the fluid level was normal for weeks now and had been taking that as a good sign. Today it was 27, definitely out of the normal range.

What does this mean? Well it seems his bowel is getting sicker, perhaps ceasing to function as well. There could also be a blockage developing, which would prevent the fluid from going through his system, thus increasing the amount.

It means Dr. Cohen wants to talk to Dr. S, our surgeon at Children’s. It means that 37, possibly even 36 weeks, could be out the window. It means they’re really starting to weigh what will be more beneficial for the baby: more time in the womb vs. getting the healing process started. It means that at any one of these weekly appointments, they could decide to pull the plug.

Turtle is still in a breech position right now, which is making the possibility of a c-section all the more real each day. After the appointment, DH and I decided that it’s definitely time to pack the hospital bags, and I’ll probably want to start working on a c-section birth plan as soon as possible.

At this point, I honestly don’t know what to feel. We’ve had to be so flexible in terms of when and how this baby will come out that this really just feels like a little bend in an ever shortening road. What feels easiest is to take myself out of the equation altogether and figure, whatever the doctors think is best, is what I’m on board with.

Do I want to deliver before 36 weeks? In my ideal world, no. I want him to stay in as long as he needs, I want him to emerge as big and strong as possible. But this clearly isn’t my ideal world in any fashion, and if taking him out earlier is what’s best for him, let’s go for that. Do I want a c-section? Ideally no, but if it’s best for him, I’m all for it.

All I want is a healthy baby. And as things start to get more serious with his condition, everything else just feels like noise and clutter next to that goal. So for now we continue to wait and watch, we continue to take everything as it comes, we continue to cling fiercely to the hope that everything will be okay in the end.

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19 Responses to “Week by week”

  1. nickeecoco April 29, 2013 at 8:21 pm #

    This just is not fair. You have my positive thoughts and prayers right now.

  2. Belle April 29, 2013 at 8:27 pm #

    Oh pretty mama, so many scary things. The Professor and I continue to keep the three of you in our thoughts. We drooled over your nursery on my phone reader last night and we both agreed that you are handling things so well. Many hugs from us and the cat circus.

    Have you selected a high risk doula yet? I am curious how she offers support during this waiting game.

    • Shelley April 30, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

      Thanks Belle. We did hire a doula, though she’s not specifically high risk. Still she’s very knowledgable and has been supportive with providing us with lots of information on various scenarios and staying flexible in terms of her pricing. We agreed that if we have to go for a scheduled c-section there’s really no need to have her there at the hospital and pay her full fee, and she is cool with that so that’s good.

  3. Jenny April 29, 2013 at 9:12 pm #

    Sending all three of you lots of positive thoughts. *hugs*

  4. Alicia April 29, 2013 at 9:15 pm #

    Oh Shelley – I am sending you, DH and Turtle all the positive thoughts I have. This is so much to process and must be very scary for you guys. Hugs.

  5. Theresa April 29, 2013 at 10:31 pm #

    Oh man I am so sorry. How many weeks are you now? ( bad memory ). Thinking of you, hubby, and Turtle

    • Shelley April 30, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

      33w3d today

      • Theresa April 30, 2013 at 3:47 pm #

        Not too far from 36. Been thinking of you guys.

  6. chon April 30, 2013 at 1:39 am #

    You are handling yourself so incredibly well given the stressfulness of the situation. I do believe you are in the right hands and Turtle is going to be well looked after. Hugs.

  7. Lisa April 30, 2013 at 2:46 am #

    Thinking of you and Turtle. You’ve definitely got the right attitude. Whatever is best for baby is best for you, too. Take care.

  8. Courtney April 30, 2013 at 2:59 am #

    Wow, what a rollercoaster. I do like your outlook- that you’re taking yourself out of the equation. I’m sure that’s hard, but it seems the best thing here… Helps to keep things clear.

    Thinking of you! I’m 31.5 weeks so that puts you at 33-34 weeks? I bet you make it to 36. But if you don’t, that’s ok because you have the best team to guide you!!

    • Shelley April 30, 2013 at 3:48 pm #

      Thanks Courtney, yes I’m 33w3d today. I am really okay either way. As much as I want him to develop and avoid preemie problems, I’m also freaked out about his condition worsening in there where no one can help him. So if they say out, I’m good. If they say, let him grow a bit more, I’m good. Mostly, I’m just glad it’s not my call!

  9. jjiraffe April 30, 2013 at 12:01 pm #

    Oh, man. I am so sorry. I’m glad you have such a wonderful team monitoring you. Living with this kind of ambiguity must be really difficult, but I think your attitude of taking it week by week is the right move.

    (((Hugs)))

    • Kathy May 2, 2013 at 5:59 pm #

      I agree ! You are doing everything right. Keeping a good thought for you three.

  10. nonsequiturchica April 30, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

    I think that you have the best attitude going into this. It sounds like your drs are on top of things and will make the best decision for you and Turtle.

  11. JustMe April 30, 2013 at 6:50 pm #

    My heart goes out to you. The “not knowing” is so hard. Once it all starts, you will be able to cope with whatever is happening. Right now, you are just waiting. I will say, you definitely sound like a Mom already in this post.

  12. Aplatanada April 30, 2013 at 8:25 pm #

    Aw, poor Shel! It’s so scary to hear uncertain news and not know what to expect. I think you have a great attitude, considering. You plan for what you can plan for, and do all you can for your Turtle. Thinking of you guys!

  13. theyellowblanket May 1, 2013 at 3:18 am #

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now. It sounds like your doctor is keeping a close eye on you and Turtle, and will do the right thing to ensure everyone is safe and sound. Thinking of you!

  14. Gina May 1, 2013 at 10:03 pm #

    So sorry, Shelley, about this turn of events. Everything went pretty ok and now this curveball. I know given the last couple of appointments you were thinking 37 weeks, and now not so sure anymore. I think you’re right that you should be prepared for whatever the doctors decide. Pack those bags. I’m sure the doctors will come to the decision that’s best for Turtle. Yes, we all want him to stay cuddled up for as long as possible, but we all want what’s best for him. I’m here to cheer you on!

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