Things I want to remember

26 Dec

I’ve been living this pregnancy with one eye closed. Waiting anxiously for the next blow to fall. And blows there have been.

Too often I’ve let feelings of fear, anxiety, and guilt override the overwhelming joy of finally being pregnant after such a long journey. I have some regret over this but at the same time, I know it’s only natural, given what we’ve been through.

But I want to remember the wonderful moments too. There have been many of those, even just in these past few days at home with our families.

Like telling my uncle on the phone yesterday, whom I rarely get to see, that we’re finally expecting. Even though we rarely talk, he intuitively knew of our struggles. He approached telling me that his grandson, younger than me, was expecting a baby a few years ago with such sensitivity, it was touching and so appreciated. And maybe he just knew when we spoke yesterday that this would finally be the year we’d have that news to share too, because he even asked about it. His joy was palpable. He joked, I always knew I was a great uncle but I guess this makes it official. I think he had been waiting to say that for a very long time.

Like discovering that my Dad goes on to track where the baby is in its growth, and that he likes to look a few weeks ahead.

Like talking with both my parents about our meeting at Children’s, all the information we’ve gathered so far, and feeling like they’re truly in this with us. Making plans as a family for how we will survive 8-12 weeks in the hospital.

Like receiving lots of beautiful maternity clothes for Christmas from my mother, and being told when I put them on that I look beautiful. Like deciding to embrace my burgeoning bump instead of thinking it’s “too big” for where I’m at and that I “just look fat.”

Or like revealing the gender, a secret we’ve kept quiet for the past two weeks, to our families. Yes – we know the gender! And I’ve been dying to tell you that but my cousin reads this blog and I wanted her to be totally surprised on Christmas Eve. I’ll tell the full story and reveal it to you very soon. But it was a perfect moment, just as we hoped for.

Of course my struggles with nausea, constantly needing to pee during the night, round ligament pain, and a new symptom of occasionally feeling the awful need to pass out after coming up stairs or while in the shower, have not abated for the holiday but that’s okay.

There’s so much good and wonderful here and I am so thankful.


10 Responses to “Things I want to remember”

  1. Keisha December 26, 2012 at 3:03 pm #

    Getting up 5,000 times a night to pee is something I do not miss at all.
    Maternity clothes are so much fun because they fit the right way and you feel confident about your little belly. You are not fat, my dear. Embrace the way your baby makes you look.
    I’m on pins and needles here…please tell the gender soon!
    Just think, this time next year, your little one will just be finishing up his/her first Christmas. How’s that for good and wonderful? ❤

  2. Hattie December 26, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    So glad you had the perfect moment gender reveal! You deserved it!

  3. Theresa December 26, 2012 at 3:09 pm #

    It is difficult to fully embrace a pregnancy after infertility. For you even more so with all the struggles you’ve had. A facebook friend of mine recently gave birth to a daughter with the same condition that your child is facing- if you’re interested I could see if I could hook the two of you up to chat.

  4. Trisha December 26, 2012 at 5:32 pm #

    So glad that you wrote this post. It is important to remember the good things, but sometimes it is easier to concentrate on the bad. I can’t wait to find out turtle’s gender! Wishing you guys a very merry christmas!

  5. Aplatanada December 26, 2012 at 6:28 pm #

    What a sweet post. And so right on so many levels. I’ve been overwhelmed with such gratitude lately. I think struggles with infertility give us a lot of strength to deal with challenges like the huge ones you are facing. it also gives us such profound appreciation for being where we are.

    And if you’re like me, you’re the only one that thinks you look fat, not pregnant. Everyone else thinks you are a glowing pregnant lady. 🙂

  6. Courtney December 26, 2012 at 7:46 pm #

    I am so touched by your dad tracking your baby’s development on BabyCe.nter. How sweet is that?

    Can’t wait to hear what you’re having!

  7. Katie December 26, 2012 at 8:29 pm #

    Ohhhh I can’t wait for the gender news!

  8. iamstacey December 26, 2012 at 10:48 pm #

    I’m so glad your family is supportive and celebrating with you. What a wonderful gift for you all!

  9. jjiraffe December 27, 2012 at 6:41 am #

    What a wonderful, inspiring post. I am so glad you are embracing the joy 🙂

  10. Alicia December 28, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

    Inspiring! Looking forward to the gender reveal! 🙂

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