Torn

11 Dec

I’ve been at a loss for writing lately. I feel kind of stuck in a lot of ways, between being all “yay, I’m pregnant!” to being focused on our diagnosis and what we need to do to get ready. Stuck between feeling kindred to other pregnant ladies to feeling jealous of them. Between feeling guilty about being pregnant after infertility to feeling – and this is perhaps most conflicting of all – grateful that everything ISN’T perfect so I have things to talk about that aren’t all bumpdates and poopdates, grateful that maybe people envy me a little bit less because of it.

Torn between wanting to be hopeful and have ultimate faith – in the doctors and the hospitals we’ve chosen, and in our strong little Turtle – and wanting to be realistic. Worried that I gave the impression that everything is going to be A-OK when that very much might not be the case. Gastroschisis may be better than other things but it’s still not a walk in the park. Turtle will have to be drugged up on pain meds for the first weeks of his or her life that can make feeding difficult and harm certain organs. He/she will be at risk for many complications. Foremost on my worry list right now is short bowel syndrome.

But I AM pregnant. I feel it everyday in my ongoing, haunting nausea. (Seriously, WHEN will this lift? I drove almost all the way into work today and then had to turn around because I felt so terrible.) I see it in my belly which is growing (noticeably!). We’re gradually telling more and more people. I gave my boss the okay to announce my pregnancy in a company meeting yesterday. I was so nervous for this moment. I had to ask her to say it because I just couldn’t. I’ve been so awkward about all of our announcements, especially to groups (which means any size bigger than more than one person). Of course, everyone was so nice and now it’s nice to not have to “hide” anything anymore (though apparently, lots of people guessed anyways).

I am looking forward to buying baby clothes, choosing names, decorating the guest room. Even though Turtle will probably be born early and won’t be coming home for awhile, I still want to enjoy these things as much as I can. I want to plan for the future and look forward to it but I do so with great hesitation, with serious worry.

I know there’s room for everything. I know the way will become clear. I’m mostly surviving, taking it day by day. But writing gets tough because it’s hard to know what tone to take. As much as I didn’t want this blog to be just another pg after IF blog, sometimes I kind of wish it could be. How do I both enjoy my pregnancy while also giving an accurate picture of what we’re going through? As usual, I want it all.

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12 Responses to “Torn”

  1. alloallo December 11, 2012 at 5:18 pm #

    Thinking of you. It’s hard to know how to strike a balance between all of these things but the most important thing is that this is your space, and we want to hear how YOU are and how your experience is going. So please don’t feel as though you have to worry about being anything for anyone else.

  2. Esperanza December 11, 2012 at 5:21 pm #

    My guess is some days it will be about the excitement of it and some days it will be about the fear. Your posts will be reflections of the moment to moment ups and downs you feel. Some days will be good and others not so good. You don’t have to choose one tone for your blog. You don’t even have to for a post. Maybe something that starts out happy will become anxious and resentful. That is fine. It’s what you’re feeling and you have every right to feel all of it. I’m sorry you’re not having the pregnancy experience you always dreame of. After waiting so long that is a really harsh blow. But I hope you can find some joy among the anxiety and anger and pain.

    Abiding with you.

  3. Theresa December 11, 2012 at 5:27 pm #

    I don’t blame you one bit for wanting it all. Its completely understandable to be torn. I say when you’re having a bad day, write about the bad day. When you’re feeling good and positive about the pregnancy write about that too. Take writing day by day just like life and the pregnancy. HUGS

  4. sams December 11, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

    This is YOUR blog! Write about anything you want! I will still be following and reading and supporting you. I have many of the same thoughts and feelings that you wrote about in your post today….particularly the nausea and how I fit into the pregnancy and IF worlds now. If I weren’t so sick all the time, I’d write about that stuff in my own blog. But I just don’t have the energy these days. Hopefully soon though!

  5. Courtney December 11, 2012 at 7:28 pm #

    Of course you want it all!

    No one here is judging you, so you just go ahead and write whatever you want, whenever you want! I’m always happy to see a post from you!

  6. slese1014 December 11, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

    I think we all WANT IT ALL! And this blog should be your space to share all of your ups and downs in your life. Be they happy pregnancy moments, sad complication moments, or random moments, like the crazy driver who nearly drove you off the road, that have and effect on your life. I’m here to support you whatever your reasons for posting or not posting for that matter. Thinking of you dear!!

  7. Kristin December 11, 2012 at 8:30 pm #

    Not only should you want it all, you deserve to have it all, too. I’m sorry it is so damn complicated. I really appreciate your voice and perspective and plan to read wherever you take us!

  8. L December 12, 2012 at 1:48 am #

    Ohhh Shelley, I haven’t been blogging much, but purposely check every few days to see if you have updated. Ever since you have posted your news I haven’t stopped thinking of you. I so admire your view on everything and how you are trying to put a positive spin on it, but I also appreciate your need to aknowledge how difficult it is. Thinking of you all the time, your little Turtle is going to be very lucky to have you for a Mommy.

  9. Keisha December 12, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

    I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I think being torn with all of your emotions is natural. Your baby is strong and so are you. Being strong also means acknowledging your fears and accepting that you just won’t know how it’s going to be until the moment arrives. You’re doing fine on that front.
    I think it would be a good idea to get in touch with a good lactation consultant and discuss the possible feeding problems ahead of time. It might make you feel better to know what you are facing and having control over what nutrition Turtle gets will help with not being able to have him/her at home at first. My friend’s son was in the NICU for three weeks and she said it made her feel better to know that he was getting her milk even when she couldn’t be there. It defined him as “her baby” at a time when nurses were the ones giving him round the clock care.

  10. Joanna December 12, 2012 at 8:53 pm #

    I was in this exact same spot as far as knowing what to write. I think it’s hard to know what to write or say when you have a complicated/high risk pregnancy. You are both happy and maybe a little sad. You are both excited and terrified. It’s ok to be both, one or the other and even all of it in one big emotional ball! All of the time! Take each day as it comes. Laugh and plan when you want to. Worry and cry when you need to. And know we are all thinking of you and sweet little Turtle everyday. xoxo

  11. Alissa December 13, 2012 at 2:45 am #

    I feel the same torn feeling sometimes because I want to keep positive and happy about my pregnancy and baby, but have a large sadness over my twins. I don’t want to focus on the negative, but my babies were here and I still need to talk about them and mourn. It’s conflicting and difficult. Just do what you are doing I guess. Talk about being happy for what you have and feel free to voice your fears as well. That’s all you can do to remain real and honest. I wish you the best in the weeks and months to come.

  12. Amanda @ readingeachpage.blogspot.com December 16, 2012 at 11:23 pm #

    I think you can have it all, maybe just not always in the same post. Continue writing what you feel and you won’t have any problems. I am sending constant positive thoughts to the baby.

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