The story of today

17 Oct

Today ended up being much scarier and drama-filled than I anticipated when I woke up.

We went in for our beta as usual. We decided to go in as soon as the clinic opened so we could squeeze in a quick breakfast together at one of our favorite spots in the city. So we do the blood draw, we drive to the breakfast place, order, and while we’re waiting for the order, I go to the bathroom.

And there in that bathroom, I saw a few drops of blood in my underwear. Red blood. I wiped and the paper was full of ruddy red blood that clearly told me, this was over. I went back to the table and broke the news to DH and immediately started crying into my beautiful blueberry pancakes.

It was over. I had prepared myself for this fact but I didn’t think it would come in the form of blood on beta day. It felt like a slap in the face, to get this far only to have to it yanked away from us. We were trying to decide what to do at that point. Eventually we agreed, I should call my clinic.

The receptionist who answered said the nurse was doing a retrieval and would call me as soon as the beta came in. She said they’d likely want to see me back there today for an ultrasound, which made a lot of sense to me.

So we finished breakfast, I drove to work, but all the way there I’m sobbing. I can’t go in there like this, I thought. I work in an open office full of women. I decided to let my supervisor know what was going on and then wait in the car (crying the whole time) for the clinic to call. The nurse said it should be around 9:30. When I hadn’t heard by 10, I called them and tell them I was literally waiting in my car for them to call. (There wouldn’t have been time for me to go all the way home, we live about 45 minutes each way from the clinic.)

They say my beta results aren’t in yet but I should still come in for my ultrasound. My RE was in today and he wanted to see me and find out what was going on. I go in, they give me a pad for the bleeding (I had stuck a wad of napkins down there), then I see my RE and he’s on his way upstairs for a procedure but says he’ll see in me in 30 minutes.

I decide to wait in the waiting room but then immediately regret that decision. A Β few minutes after I sat down, a very pregnant lady comes in with her husband holding a box of pastries with a ribbon on top. Clearly this was their, we’re knocked up, let’s bring treats for the clinic! visit. I hear her say she’s having twin girls and it’s like a knife to my heart. They ask to see my RE and are told he’ll be back down shortly, so they take a seat near me in the waiting room. It’s then that I ask for a private room.

The clinic nurse walks me back to the room hand in hand. She whips a copy of Parents magazine from the desk as I sit down. She asks if I need anything and I just point to the box of tissues and sniffle, “just tissues will be fine.” Not long later, my doctor is back and ready to do my ultrasound. Before I get changed he comes in, holds my hands and tells me that we’re going to be able to see what’s going on very shortly and we’ll deal with it from there.

Oh shit, truth time.

I get changed and go into the room. They ask me if two students can sit in on my ultrasound. Well sure, fine. The more the merrier, right?! The regular ultrasound tech, the one I adore, is doing the scan. She puts the wand in and my RE grabs my hand and holds it.

This part gets a little fuzzy. They find a sac. They’re happy, he’s happy, I’m confused. He says it’s too early to see a heartbeat but the good news is, I have a sac and it’s in my uterus. Okay, is there only one? Gee, he says, I was so happy to see the yolk sac, I didn’t notice. Looks like just one. What about the bleeding? I don’t care about the bleeding he says. As long as things are growing and your hcg is going up, the bleeding doesn’t matter. It could be a piece of the placenta, a vein, many things. Bleeding with clots and cramps is where he gets concerned.

Two!, my u/s tech suddenly shouts out.

Two sacs. My RE says some more stuff but I can’t remember much. He’s happy though. He goes back to stand closer to the machine and says something about a hematoma, then some more stuff. I honestly can’t remember. Then he sweeps out of the room and his students follow.

My tech is thrilled. She takes her time now, measuring each one. “Baby A” and “Baby B.” Both are measuring roughly 5w5d (I’m 5w4d), Baby B is maybe even a little ahead of that. She carefully points out the fetal pole on Baby B and takes lots of pictures. I ask her more about that hematoma and she said it’s normal. She said that could be the cause of the bleeding or it could be something else. She notices a bit more blood in my cervix and warns me there could be more.

Okay, I say, but the babies look… good? Yes. The sacs have lots of fluid, are perfectly shaped and have the fetal poles in them. They’re measuring right on schedule. Everything is, somehow, magically, as it should be.

I think I’m in shock. Somewhere in here, the nurse comes in, gives me a big hug, and says lots of really nice things that I am now blanking on. The u/s tech gives me three pictures to take home. One of each baby, and one of them together. The side of the pictures says TWINS.

I put my pants back on and go to the bathroom, when I come out, the nurse is waiting for me with more info and next steps. First off, my beta. She has it. She points to my chart that clearly shows my first beta (1,508), second beta (2,538), and below that, one week later, my third beta: 37,195. The number shocks me more than anything. It zaps me out of this dream state that I was in to let me know: they’re really in there. They’re really growing. They have been busy all week, as I’ve been busy worrying, they’ve been busy growing.

I was hoping for at least 15,000. I would’ve been thrilled with anything over 20. 37,195 is a doubling time of approximately 43 hours. That nausea was real. They want to do my next ultrasound in 12 days, a week from Monday. I’ll be 7w2d at that point and we should definitely be able to see heartbeats at that point, if everything keeps going well.

I’m still in shock. Today I went from thinking I was definitely miscarrying possibly two babies to learning that I am currently and definitely pregnant with two strong babies. Needless to say, I’m exhausted. But also trying hard to appreciate this very special moment.

I still feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. But for now, for today at least, I can say with more confidence than ever before, that I am pregnant.

Thank you all for your kind words of love and support over the past week. They have bolstered me more than you know!

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86 Responses to “The story of today”

  1. nonsequiturchica October 17, 2012 at 8:11 pm #

    I was holding my breath while reading this post- thankfully I can finally exhale! TWINS! WOW! Congratulations!!! This is fantastic news!!!

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

      Sorry to keep up the suspense! Thank you. I know, it’s crazy.

  2. Belle October 17, 2012 at 8:12 pm #

    Oh my gosh, what a day! You, my dear, deserve some cake tonight. Congratulations on seeing two beautiful babes. Rest lots during the coming days and be kind to your body – it is doing everything just right. ((big hugs))

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

      Thank you Belle! It’s been a long tough day indeed but worth it.

  3. Bear October 17, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

    I was very happy to read that everything is growing as it should. Congrats

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 8:32 pm #

      Thank you Bear!

  4. Keisha October 17, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    Pardon my French, but that is fucking fantastic news! I have been waiting for your update all day, and this news couldn’t be better!!
    Two beautiful, perfect babies. Is there anything better?

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 8:30 pm #

      Keisha! I know, I can’t think of much better right now.

  5. Amy Skins October 17, 2012 at 8:25 pm #

    Shelley. Oh my dear friend, Shelley. I am sobbing. At work. Like, makeup running down the face sobbing. I have been thinking about you with a pounding heart all day long, pathologically refreshing your blog. But I did not anticipate that your news would rock me like this. You and your little beans have me completely broken with happiness and relief for you. I am so thrilled beyond belief for you and DH.

    You are pregnant, my friend. Today. Right now. With two amazing babies.

    I know you are still worrying. But I am shouting from rooftops for you.

    Oh I wish I could hug you.

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 8:29 pm #

      Oh Amy – you have ME crying now!

  6. Tracy October 17, 2012 at 8:29 pm #

    OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD…

    I’m trying REALLY hard not to sob at work right now. I am so unbelievably happy for you!!! I am praying for you and hubs and babies! Gah! VIRTUAL HUGS ALL AROUND!!!! πŸ˜€

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 8:39 pm #

      Thank you Tracy!!! Thank you, thank you. Means so much.

  7. Aplatanda October 17, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

    OHMYGODMYMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!!

    Thrilled, Simply thrilled. Happy, Joyous. Tears in my eyes for you.

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 8:44 pm #

      Leslie! Thank you. Can’t believe where we both are right now!

  8. Sarah October 17, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

    OH Shelley! I’m so relieved for you….I’m an emotional basket case and sobbing as I write this. I’m so happy your two little babies are growing strong. I hope the next 12 days go by super fast so you get to see those little hearts beating! I hope you are able to go home and relax for a few minutes….

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 8:50 pm #

      Thank you for your support this past week! I did come home after the ultrasound and have been resting this afternoon.

  9. sams October 17, 2012 at 8:43 pm #

    I kept thinking throughout your entire post “the baby/ies are going to be ok, the baby/ies are going to be ok.” And they are! I’m so happy for you! TWO strong little babies in their comfy home. Sending you great big hugs after this exhausting and reassuring day. πŸ™‚

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 8:53 pm #

      Thank you, sams πŸ™‚

  10. Hattie October 17, 2012 at 8:43 pm #

    What a crazy roller coaster! So thankful for good news!!

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 8:53 pm #

      Thank you Hattie – me too!

  11. EmilyE October 17, 2012 at 8:55 pm #

    Count me in for public crying out of happiness. I’m in a coffee shop working and I’m pretty sure the dude next to me thinks I’m getting broken up with or something.

    I am speechless. Amazing. Way to build the suspense in that post. I can’t imagine how you feel. I’m all the way across the country, and I feel like running around and shouting with glee. You have (unfairly) waited so long for this moment. You have gone through so much and been wanting this so long. I hopehopehope that everything continues along wonderfully.

    TWINS!

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 9:06 pm #

      Ha, I didn’t mean to make everyone cry! I am so touched that everyone was feeling this so strongly with me. You are one of the few who’s seen my IF journey from the beginning and always been such a great source of support – thank you Emily!

      • Amy Skins October 18, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

        It’s just… we were all together at the start of this journey. We were all three cycle buddies. And though it’s obviously only been some small fraction of what you have been through, we have been hoping and hurting and hoping again, right along with you. Cycle buddies forever!

  12. pcosbarrenness October 17, 2012 at 8:57 pm #

    Wow! What a roller coaster. Congrats!

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 9:07 pm #

      It was, thank you!

  13. Jenny October 17, 2012 at 8:59 pm #

    Wow, way to build the suspense and have me hanging off the edge of my seat! But I am so, so, so, so happy with the outcome. Just absolutely thrilled for you, my dear. Relax, take a deep breath and enjoy!

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 9:09 pm #

      Thank you, Jenny. Everyone keeps saying that about the suspense!

  14. Lisa October 17, 2012 at 8:59 pm #

    I’m sorry it had to be so scary, but YAY!! Congratulations on two healthy looking little babies!

    • Shelley October 17, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

      Thanks Lisa!!

  15. chon October 17, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

    That’s fantastic news!!!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 2:52 pm #

      Thanks so much!

  16. Courtney October 17, 2012 at 9:15 pm #

    I hate to tell you this, but it’s time to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop… because it’s going to be a forever wait if you keep waiting!

    You are good-to-go πŸ™‚

    CONGRATS! This makes my day!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 2:54 pm #

      Oy, it’s hard! I hope it is forever. I’m still struggling letting go of that fear. We’ve never seen a heartbeat before and that’s the next milestone. If we get past that, then I think I will maybe exhale a little.

  17. Cristy October 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

    I could kiss your nurse. How awesome of her to take care of you.

    Shelley, this is amazing news! I was so worried when I saw your email this morning and proceeded to breakdown when you told me about the bleeding. To hear everyone is okay and growing makes my heart glow! Lady, you are pregnant. Hold onto that. And hold onto those images.

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

      She was really great, I bonded with her big time yesterday. This is a different nurse from the “I told you so” one. This is one I’ve actually had some issues with in the past but she was fabulous yesterday.

      Cristy, I can’t thank you enough for your support yesterday! You got me through some of the toughest moments of the day. You’re amazing and I love you!!!

  18. theyellowblanket October 17, 2012 at 9:36 pm #

    Congratulations Shelley! I’m sending lots of positive vibes to your TWO little ones!!!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

      Eeeps – thank you!

  19. Gina October 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm #

    OMG! OMG! You are sooooo pregnant with TWINS! I knew it! I’ve been feeling your anxiety all the way over here on the West Coast this whole week. I’ve been thinking about you all morning. What a rollercoaster of a day! I really wanted to just scroll down to see the end of this blog post but I really, really forced myself to read through the whole thing, so I could remotely experience what you’ve been through today. What a day! Doing the happy dance! Woohoo!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 2:57 pm #

      Gina!!! I know, isn’t it bananas? I am still in total shock. Thanks for taking the ride with me… as you have for years now! I can’t wait to be celebrating your pregnancy with you (very soon, I know it!).

  20. steph50 October 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm #

    What a great ending on a stressful post! You really had me holding my breath! Congrats on the twins!!!!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 2:57 pm #

      Sorry for causing stress! Thank you. πŸ™‚

  21. Gina October 17, 2012 at 9:45 pm #

    Oh, that f*ckin’ hematoma is pissing me off! Causing you all that unnecessary stress!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

      I know, I know! But better to have it and have something to point to than not. If I have to go through stressful bleeding to get healthy babies, I’ll do it!

  22. danielletoendure October 17, 2012 at 9:45 pm #

    Oh my goodness!!!! Yeah! I am SO happy for you. Twins! What an absolute blessing. I’ll be praying that hematoma resolves quickly! Celebrate…celebrate, lady, you are pregnant with TWINS.

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

      I know, thank you so much. It is nuts.

  23. B: JustcyclingAlong October 17, 2012 at 10:07 pm #

    Yay!! I am so happy for you!! Twins – that’s amazing. And your betas are fan-freaking-tastic. This is such good news!!!!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

      Thank you B! It is totally insane.

  24. Kate October 17, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

    ***huge exhale*** Yes! So happy to hear this news. Can’t stop smiling!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

      πŸ™‚ Thank you so much Kate.

  25. Alicia October 17, 2012 at 10:59 pm #

    Yesssssssss!!!!!!!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

      πŸ™‚

  26. Theresa October 17, 2012 at 11:28 pm #

    YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Can’t wait to see the ultrasound pics!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

      Thanks T! They look a lot like Bubbles and Squishy. If we get past the second ultrasound and actually see heartbeats, I’m going to make a separate page and post all the pics!

  27. Amanda (http://readingeachpage.blogspot.com/) October 17, 2012 at 11:59 pm #

    YAY!!! I am so happy everything ended up perfect after you horrible morning. Twins! So exciting!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

      Thank you Amanda! Yes it was horrible but I’d go through it again for this outcome. πŸ˜‰

  28. talesofacautiousoptimist October 18, 2012 at 1:30 am #

    After a roller coaster of a day, I am SO happy you got such amazing news!!! Definitely take the time to enjoy it! πŸ™‚

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

      Thank you! Oh my gosh, I know. I’m trying!

  29. Trisha October 18, 2012 at 2:27 am #

    I love stories with a happy ending. SO pleased for you!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

      Thank you Trisha!!

  30. Katie October 18, 2012 at 3:31 am #

    Ahhhhhh! The suspense through reading this! So so happy for you!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 3:03 pm #

      Ha – I’m sorry for the suspense!! Thank you Katie.

  31. Keiko October 18, 2012 at 4:59 am #

    Shelley – I am sobbing with joy for you. Just overwhelming relief and joy and wonderfulness. I’m so happy for you – 37,000?! Talk about overachievers πŸ˜‰ Mazel, mazel, mazel tov! πŸ™‚

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 3:03 pm #

      Thank you so much Keiko! I know, that number is beyond insane.

  32. jjiraffe October 18, 2012 at 7:36 am #

    Shelley: that was one heck of a rollercoaster! By the end, tears were streaming down my face. I am so incredibly happy for you. Xoxo

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

      Oh Jess, thank you so much. If this continues, I’m definitely going to be bugging you for advice and such!

  33. MrsBun October 18, 2012 at 7:58 am #

    Oh what a scare – for you and me too reading with such suspense πŸ™‚ I am so very happy for you! Congratulations!!! So so very exciting about the twins. I am so very happy that everything is going well for you.

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm #

      Thank you so much Mrs. Bun!

  34. SM October 18, 2012 at 10:56 am #

    Hugs!!! I was anxiously biting my nails through this whole post. I’m so happy for you! πŸ™‚

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm #

      I do apologize for the suspense, it wasn’t my intention! Thank you SM.

  35. alloallo October 18, 2012 at 11:29 am #

    my heart was literally in my throat reading this – so incredibly pleased for you with the good news!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm #

      Ack – I’m sorry! Thank you. πŸ™‚

  36. Low Fat Lady October 18, 2012 at 12:53 pm #

    I am currently listening to the current podcast (I listen every week at work) and had to come over to your blog to see how you were doing. I am so happy that you had a great ultrasound and it is TWINS! What an awesome beta too! OMG. So happy for you! Congrats!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm #

      I’m so glad to hear from a Bitter Infertiles fan! Thanks so much for stopping by and for the well wishes.

  37. marwil October 18, 2012 at 3:30 pm #

    So glad to read that all is well. Listened to the podcast the other day πŸ™‚ and just wanted to check in to see the progress. Huge congratulation to twins!!

  38. amy October 18, 2012 at 4:04 pm #

    Sooo ridiculously happy for you, such awesome news πŸ™‚ Double the blessings!!

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 7:43 pm #

      Thank you Amy!!

  39. Sunshine October 18, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

    I’m glad you are ok and that the babies are right on track. I am also so jealous! Twins! Awesome.

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm #

      Thank you Sunshine!

  40. Lisa @ hapahopes October 18, 2012 at 7:13 pm #

    Oh Shelley! I am so excited for you! If I weren’t at work when I read this I would have jumped up and down for, I swear. I was not ashamed to get teary for you, though. Cristy was so right! πŸ™‚

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 8:09 pm #

      Oh Lisa, thank you so much.

  41. Joanna October 18, 2012 at 7:24 pm #

    AAAAAAAHHHHHH Shelley! I am just now seeing this! I can’t believe it, TWINS!!!!! You so deserve this and I am over the moon happy for you!!! I totally understand how scary bleeding in early pregnancy can be, it freaked me out!! Hang in there girl and try to think happy positive thoughts until the next ultrasound! And rest easy with the fact that you did it!!! You have 2 tiny little embies growing like crazy!! So so so happy for you xoxoxoxo

    • Shelley October 18, 2012 at 8:17 pm #

      Thanks Joanna!! πŸ™‚ Yes it was, it was completely terrifying. Trying my best to stay positive though!!

  42. Libby October 19, 2012 at 1:40 am #

    Wow! What a roller coaster. So happy for you today!

  43. cassiedash October 19, 2012 at 10:18 pm #

    Oh goodness gracious, I was scared out of my mind reading the first part of this post. So glad it has a happy ending! Congrats, mama!

  44. sass October 20, 2012 at 10:37 pm #

    I hope you had the chance for a do-over breakfast! Congratulations!!!

  45. Elizabeth October 24, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    Wow, congratulations! (Randomly here from Keiko’s blog). So glad for the good betas and ultrasound. I had bleeding at 4-5 weeks in my second pregnancy, enough that I thought it was my period (I didn’t know I was pregnant). And it resolved on its own with no ill effects. Hope it’s uneventful from here on out!

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