Scared sh*tless

15 Oct

No post-apocalyptic zombie show or slasher flick compares to the sheer terror of awaiting the test results that will tell you whether you’re losing your third (and possibly fourth) child, or if you’re one baby step closer to maybe having a small shot at becoming a mom.

Yesterday, I lost it. I full on went into, “I’m losing this pregnancy and I’m going to have to have another D&C and this was over before it even began and life sucks so I might as well end it” kind of dark place. The spotting had continued and DH and I had a stupid fight and before I knew it, I was gone. Crying over my favorite sandwich at my favorite lunch spot in Salem.

Just about every conversation with DH went this weekend was some variation on the following:

Me: I’m terrified.
DH: Why?
Me: Because I’m scared of losing this. Aren’t you?
DH: Nope. Let’s not worry until we have facts.
Me: We do have facts, my past history.
DH: This isn’t then, this is now.

He’s so logical and pragmatic, it blows my mind. He’s able to just not worry about things possibly happening or not happening. Who can do that? It’s almost superhuman to neurotic little me. I could worry anyone under the table.

I’m just scared and nervous and almost, at this point, dreading what Wednesday will bring. I don’t know if I want it to come faster or never come. I hate the very real thought that I might not be 5 weeks 5 days come Thursday morning.

Please grow. Please keep growing. Please keep growing, little embryos.

2 days til beta!

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24 Responses to “Scared sh*tless”

  1. Theresa October 15, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

    Men are like that, I think. Mine is, too. And I don’t get it either.

    • Lisa October 16, 2012 at 11:14 am #

      Somebody else already hit on this, but I think it’s easier for men because they aren’t the ones physically experiencing the whole thing. They don’t have to overanalyze cramps and twinges and sore boobs, or the lack of any of these sensations. Just one more day! You’re almost there!

  2. steph50 October 15, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

    I know the terror… The only thing that helped a little was to write and keep busy! Hang in there!!!

  3. Sarah October 15, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    I swear it’s the Y chromosome…it gives them the ability to do that kind of stuff….so not fair…I wish I could just turn it off, but I am very much like you and just assume how things are going to be because of where we have been….

    I’m hoping for you to get good news in 2 days!!!

  4. Kate @ Infertile First Mom October 15, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

    Your husband sounds exactly like mine when we were at that point. A true man… So logical and pragmatic. I wish sometimes I could be less emotional like that. But you are certainly not the only worrier among us.
    You and your babies are in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. Seagull October 15, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

    I’m so sorry. Waiting for beta is hard enough to find out if you BFP, much less right now. Your DH sounds like my DW — which is good, we need someone to stay calm. Hang in there and sending you continued sticky vibes.

  6. Kristin October 15, 2012 at 5:29 pm #

    Hang on, friend. You are almost there. Today you are pregnant!

  7. Tami October 15, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    I’m sitting in this extreme fear with you. It’s all consuming and there is nothing except a great test result that will cure it. And even then, only fleetingly. However I feel like time is slowly killing me in the process. We’ll make it though. We may be badly battered and bruised by the time our appointments roll around, but we’ll make it.

  8. sams October 15, 2012 at 5:42 pm #

    I am so sorry, but I do know how you are feeling in relation to your hubby. Mine is the same way. He doesn’t get overly concerned about anything related to IF, much less the thought of having a m/c. I know he cares and would have a hard time if we had a m/c but he is just too logical of a thinker to openly discuss the “what ifs.” I know he does think about it from time to time but he doesn’t always voice those concerns because he wants to say positive, supportive things to me.

    Still praying for your baby/ies! Hurry up Wednesday!

  9. chon October 15, 2012 at 5:42 pm #

    Hang in there. This part is so nerve wracking! Sending you good vibes. As to partners it gets worse once you have the baby!

  10. Courtney October 15, 2012 at 6:09 pm #

    “He’s able to just not worry about things possibly happening or not happening. Who can do that?”

    Who can do that? MEN.

    Seriously – this is how my husband is and it drives me effing insane. I like to prepare, think of all the possible outcomes. He will only deal with the situation as it presents itself in the moment. Infuriating… But I’m a bit jealous of this characteristic as well.

    I feel you – I understand. I worry too – about EVERYTHING. But – at some point, it has to work out. I truly believe that. And I truly believe that THIS TIME is YOUR TIME.

  11. Sunshine October 15, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

    The crazy thing is that my husband tends to worry about everything and I am not much of a worrier. But when it comes to our last and this pregnancy I do the worrying and Cloudy does the “it will all work out”-ing. I think with men, they take the stance of it’s not happening until it’s happening because it isn’t happening in their body. I bet that if a man could get pregnant he wold worry us all to death, most likely worrying about himself though, not the baby. That is why we get pregnant and not them. You are doing it! We are pregnant and we are going to make it to the end together!

  12. Gina October 15, 2012 at 7:11 pm #

    Looks like it’s the same out there. Men just have this ability to stay positive, not to think/analyze things, and somehow able to keep their sh*t together. I wonder if sometimes they have these thoughts but just don’t express them….They need to tell us these pragmatic things when we start to lose it, because we can’t have both of us lose it. I’d like to think they’re a least a tiny bit neurotic like us. =)

    Hang in there, my friend.

  13. Amy Simpkins October 15, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

    Grow, babies, grow!!!

  14. B: JustcyclingAlong October 15, 2012 at 10:27 pm #

    Again, you took the words out of my mouth. In fact, I think we had identical Sundays. However, your data looks good so far, so there is no reason things should not work out for a wonderful beta tomorrow. And, I’ve written before, but I’ve read several places that betas double slower over 1500, so try not to worry if it is a longer doubling time. That is completely natural. I have so much hope for you on Wednesday!!

  15. Katie October 16, 2012 at 1:04 am #

    I know the feeling…it’s so hard. My husband said after my last miscarriage how all the joy is sucked out of being pregnant. We vowed that next time I would try to enjoy some moments…easier said than done.

  16. L October 16, 2012 at 1:13 am #

    I never dealt with loss, just infertility, and before all 3 of my betas and my ultrasounds that followed I was so nervous that I could have thrown up. Everyone seems to think it just gets easier after you get that positive, but in some ways the first few weeks were the most difficult. Hoping for great news in 2 days…thinking of you!

  17. Trisha October 16, 2012 at 2:11 am #

    That is such a man response. They will never fully get how scared or vulnerable we feel during this journey. I know this is easier said then done, but please don’t imagine the worst. We are all here for you cheering you on. Sending lots of love your way!

  18. Alicia October 16, 2012 at 3:23 am #

    Good luck – hold on to that logic… Your hubby is right! Fingers crossed for you guys.

  19. Alissa October 16, 2012 at 6:11 am #

    Ugh! Men. I hear you. My hubby is the same way, but I think he just says those things trying to keep me calm. You can do this. Distract!

  20. jjiraffe October 16, 2012 at 6:50 am #

    Oh, I remember this terror so, so well. Hang in there. I am abiding with you. Xoxo.

  21. JustHeather October 16, 2012 at 7:43 am #

    My husband is the EXACT same way and it is so frustrating! There is no room for what ifs, pretend scenarios, etc. Frustrating!
    Not much longer to wait. Fingers crossed for you.

  22. Aplatanda October 16, 2012 at 8:04 pm #

    I’m hoping your DH gets to tell you the exact same thing mine did when we got our 2nd beta results: SEE, I TOLD YOU SO! Grow, babies!!!

  23. Joanna October 16, 2012 at 8:31 pm #

    Thinking of you right now, this waiting part is for the birds! I’ve got everything crossed for you friend. Much love xoxo

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