What if?

14 Oct

It’s crazy to me, the way some are able to embrace early pregnancy after infertility, especially after a loss or losses. In some ways, I envy them. In others, I’m so, so scared for them. I can’t pretend I haven’t thought about what it would be like if this pregnancy did end up working out. How and when we would tell our immediate family, our coworkers, our friends.

But the hurdles ahead seem insurmountable. Everests, each of them. Beta #3. Ultrasound #1. Finding a heartbeat. Ultrasounds #2, 3, however many. Continuing to see heartbeats and growth. It scares me to no end, thinking how you can get through each of these and think you’re in the clear and then you get clobbered at the next milestone.

And then I look at children in the street and think about how their parents made it through each of these hurdles. People do it every day, every moment, every where. Why is it so elusive for us? How did we skip the easy track for the arduous one?

Maybe I don’t want Wednesday to come. Maybe I want to meander in the world of “maybe a baby” a little bit longer. It’s nice to dream about this working out right now. Getting pregnant before my best friends who just got married this year, not three years ago like us. Getting pregnant before my brother-in-law and his wife, who are getting married next year. I shouldn’t say or think these things but I can’t pretend that I don’t.

Pregnant for the holidays. Pregnant before another year turns its pages on us. Pregnant in 2012, just like we hoped we would be at the beginning of this year. I think if I was lucky enough to be pregnant come this Christmas, I wouldn’t need a single present under the tree in order to feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

But I’m getting far, far ahead of myself.

The spotting remains but it seems a bit lighter in the last 12 hours or so. My friend Keisha left me a comment yesterday that blew my mind a little. What if the spotting in the first pregnancy had nothing to do with the miscarriage? Which led me to think, what if the spotting is just a pregnancy symptom?

There’s no red, no cramping and no pain, so it very well could be my body “getting rid of old blood” or perhaps could even be from the placenta forming near my cervix. Of course during my first miscarriage there was no red, cramping or pain either but let’s politely ignore that fact. Also, I’ve read that spotting can be even more common in twin pregnancies. If that is what is happening.

Anything’s possible. I’m also somewhat encouraged by the on and off touches of light nausea I’ve been experiencing yesterday and today.

So there’s hope. There’s definitely hope.

3 days til beta!


18 Responses to “What if?”

  1. Hattie October 14, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

    Keep hope alive! It’s all you can do. Counting down the days with you.

  2. B. just cycling along October 14, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

    It’s like you took the words out of my mouth. Just today I was wondering, why can’t I embrace this? Why is this so hard and scary. But I am petrified of wednesday’s scan and already nervous for the ones that will (hopefully) come after that.
    However, I definitely agree that the spotting does not need to be a bad thing…I have read many, many people with spotting, especially the type you are describing, who go on to have successful pregnancy.
    Wishing you a stressfree, symptom filled couple of days until your beta!

  3. Tami October 14, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

    The thing that I really struggle with is the knowledge that this pregnancy ends either all good or all bad. There is no in between where it is kinda-good or just-ok. There are so many damn places for it to go wrong that I often find myself paralyzed with fear. I don’t want to think like this and to just be able to enjoy the moment- but I don’t know how to anymore. Perhaps this was the innocents that was taken from us when we were diagnosed with IF.

  4. Sarah October 14, 2012 at 7:21 pm #

    I wrote a post similar to this early in my pregnancy with my daughter. I struggle the entire pregnancy and when I finally decided I could enjoy it and be a “normal” pregnant woman, I was sent to the hospital for pre-eclampsia and my daughter was born 2 days later….IF does this to us…I hope for you, you are able to enjoy a happy healthy full term pregnancy!!! Good Luck!

  5. Amanda (http://readingeachpage.blogspot.com/) October 14, 2012 at 7:26 pm #

    This is a really interesting read to me. I have been trying so hard to stay positive, although we haven’t told anyone yet. But yesterday I started getting really worried about my ultrasound Monday. What is there isn’t a heartbeat? No one knows. It would be like this never happened. It makes me understand more why some people tell right away, just so they have that support, but, as my husband said, we can tell them if there is a problem, too. Maybe there are no good choices overall, just whatever works best for you.

    I hope your next beta is fantastic!

  6. Theresa October 14, 2012 at 7:44 pm #

    I hear you here. I feel like sometimes I’m just getting through the days till the next blood test or ultrasound. I’ll talk about it, read about it and think about it with some distance.

    • infertilitydoessuck October 14, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

      I don’t think the worrying ends… Once you hear the heartbeat you feel a little better but then you wonder if its going to last or the what ifs start… I would love to live in ignorance but going thru IF I doubt that will ever happen

      • Theresa October 15, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

        Yup we saw them at 6 weeks but now I worry that we won’t see them at 8. Ugh.

  7. Courtney October 14, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

    Hey! I wanted to tell you that I told my little sister about your spotting and “tissue.” She’s had lots of that with her pregnancies. She wanted me to tell you that she had that for the last two of her kids (she has 3) and that it started early and lasted quite a while. She said that it was never anything to worry about, but that she did worry even though she was told not to 😉 But she wanted me to tell you that this is most likely no big deal and to not worry 🙂

    • Shelley October 14, 2012 at 9:27 pm #

      That is SO good to hear, Courtney! Thank you for sharing that!!

  8. Kate @ Infertile First Mom October 14, 2012 at 9:32 pm #

    I know I was petrified, living moment to moment for the first three + months. Especially those first few milestones. And I have not had a history of loss. I don’t know if I would have felt more terrified if I had that history. Probably. I cannot even imagine.

    I think just the fact that we were given such terrible odds of achieving pregnancy at all (due to low ovarian reserve) was what scared me so much at the beginning. I’m far enough along now (21 weeks) that I have allowed myself more joy and the freakout moments happen less often. But it’s always there… somewhere deep down, that fear of “what if.” I think it’s just a fact of IF that we all have to live with… Even if we are lucky enough to get that BFP.
    I’m sending prayers and positive thoughts for you and this pregnancy. And for some semblance of peace with each milestone.

  9. G October 14, 2012 at 10:41 pm #

    I undersand how you feel. It is utterly terrifying. I’ve been through three miscarriages. I’m finally pregnant again through our second cycle of IVF and just started spotting today (6W2D). I am so scared I will lose this pregnancy, too. *sigh* I wish this didn’t have to be so hard for you, me, and the many others who are going through this. Thinking of you and hoping for the best!

    • Shelley October 14, 2012 at 11:01 pm #

      G, I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. You’re right, it shouldn’t have to be this hard. I am hoping for the best for us both! Please come back and keep me posted on your progress.

  10. sams October 15, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    Your friend is a genius! That’s absolutely a highly possible explanation of the spotting. I had spotting one day last week and it totally freaked me out…bright red blood before I went to bed one night. But by morning, it was brown. I called my Dr’s office just to be on the safe side and the nurse said it was completely normal as long as the bright red didn’t continue. I had a bit more brown spotting throughout the day, which the nurse told me to expect. I never thought I’d be one to freak out over a little spotting, but I totally did. So I hope your spotting goes away soon just to help keep you sane until you reach your next appointment.

  11. Sunshine October 15, 2012 at 3:26 pm #

    there definitely IS hope

  12. Gina October 15, 2012 at 7:06 pm #

    Remember what you said during this 2ww and the last 2ww? You said the symptoms were the same and look how it turned out? Not that I’ve ever had a BFP but I think Keisha is right. Every cycle and every pregnancy is different. It may feel the same or look the same, but it’s different. I’ve looked up brown spotting before also and Dr. Google =P says brown blood is old blood. Your uterus has so much going on right now, lots of fluffiness. I know it’s hard not to freak out, especially given the similarity to your miscarriage. Maybe this brown spotting is a pregnancy symptom for you because of your fluffy uterus. So try to keep your hope up until Wednesday! Come back and read these comments periodically!

    • Shelley October 16, 2012 at 1:42 am #

      A very excellent point, Gina!!

  13. nickeecoco March 13, 2013 at 4:35 pm #

    Shelley, I just have to say thank you for documenting your spotting in this pregnancy. I just found out that I am pregnant yesterday, and ever since have had brown spotting as well. I was in full-out panic mode until I read these posts. Thank you so much!

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