Scary points

12 Oct

It hit me last night, just as I was drifting off to sleep, why I’m so crazy anxious these days. It’s because this is the general time frame when my only other dips into the pregnancy waters have ended. With my first miscarriage, I was so naive and out of sorts that I honestly don’t even know how far we got exactly. I want to say 6w4d, but I’m not entirely certain. I know we got to the ultrasound where we should have seen a heartbeat, and we did not. I know we never saw 7 weeks.

My chemical? Really went south between the 2nd and 3rd beta. Sound familiar? Of course the numbers were low from the beginning. My first beta was 17, the second was 44 (doubled! More than! Clearly didn’t matter!), the third was 15. And I’m also trying to take heart in the fact that during that whole roller coaster, my betas were each 48 hours apart. I’m taking it as a good sign that they decided they didn’t need to repeat the third beta until a week from Wednesday. The same was the case for Theresa and she just saw two amazing little heartbeats!

This goes back to a conversation I remember having with Cristy at some point (I can’t remember if it was on the podcast or not), that everyone who has experienced miscarriage or baby loss has a “scary point” in pregnancy, where their loss(es) happened in the past. I was talking yesterday to a support group friend who is about two weeks ahead of me and also pg with twins. She’s naturally worried, of course, but not a basket case like me. She has never lost though (and knock on everything, I hope she never will). I was reading back through Alissa’s blog last night too, and at the eight week mark she wrote:

“So today I am 8 weeks and I can’t believe I am starting all over again. Everyone hates the worry and the stress of the first trimester and honestly I can tell you that I have been doing pretty well with it. Of course I am nervous for each ultrasound, hoping with everything I have that I see that sweet little heartbeat. But I am more nervous for the second trimester. That is when everything went to hell for us. So for now, I am trying to stay calm and believe that this will work out however it needs to. At this point, I can’t do anything much to alter the outcome, so I will trust in my little baby. One week at a time.”

Her scary point is the point at which she lost Michael and Alena. Speaking of which, today is their angelversary. Please go read Alissa’s moving tribute and send her some love today! Wait til you see the very special present Alissa and her husband got for the twins.

So this is my scary point. There’s some comfort in realizing that, knowing there’s a real reason behind the madness inside my head (which by the way guys, you’ve only seen the tip on iceberg).  I’m also so hesitant to actually call myself “pregnant.” I was looking at my HPT lineup photo yesterday at work and noticed that I feel so removed from them. I’ll have trouble doing that until we have a successful ultrasound (if we ever do). We’ve never ever seen a heartbeat on an ultrasound. So even if the third beta is good, I’m still going be a basket case. I’ve got two weeks of basket casery ahead of me, if this journey continues. Guess I might as well settle in and get used to it!


In other news, I’ve got a real tale from the waiting room for you. I met a woman from my clinic while waiting for my bloodwork on Wednesday who has been through 5 IUIs and 3 IVFs. She’s never had a positive pregnancy test and never had anything to freeze. She was there for her beta following her third IVF cycle but she said she took an HPT the day before and it was negative. My heart went out to her! She said she’s looking at February for their fourth round. I asked her if she was planning on having any further testing before entering into another round. Karyotyping? Endometrial biopsy? Anything? These terms all seemed foreign to her. The crazy thing is – she’s a physician! She said she was doing her fellowship at Harvard no less. She has about six months before her fellowship ends and she has to move back down south, where of course there is no IF coverage. So she’s trying to squeeze in one more cycle before then. At this point, I politely suggested she get a second opinion. I know I’ll probably never see her again, but I hope, hope, hope she finds her way to success.


There was so much good news around the blogosphere this morning!

Ali @ Not All Dreams are Free got her BFP follow FET #1!

B @ Just Cycling Along got good news on beta #4 following a little scare!

And now for something completely different, Keiko @ The Infertility Voice is going to be on The Katie Show!

Go wish these ladies luck! Love good news.


5 days til beta!


8 Responses to “Scary points”

  1. sams October 12, 2012 at 2:54 pm #

    Ugh, while I’ve never had a m/c (knock on everything), I fear greatly that something will go wrong with my pregnancy. (I still can’t believe I’m saying those words…”my pregnancy.”) I feel like I’m closer to the “safe zone” everyday, whatever and whenever that will be. But I’m not sure I would recognize the safe zone if it came up and bit me in the butt.

  2. Cristy October 12, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

    I remember that conversation. Definitely on the podcast (though I wish I remembered which one). So yes, it makes sense that you’re climbing the walls at the moment. Focus on taking it one day at a time. And when you feel like it’s too much, let us know. We’re here to help talk you down and to support you.

    The physician you ran into in the waiting room doesn’t surprise me. Despite everything we know, infertility and loss are very taboo, hence some of our more skilled professionals are utterly clueless about all of this. Hence it’s all the more important not only to educate yourself but others. Bravo for reaching out to her.

    Thinking of you and will have my phone on me all day.

  3. Keiko October 12, 2012 at 3:58 pm #

    Thinking of you in between waits. Congrats on a great 2nd beta and thank you so much for the shoutout love about the Katie Show! It’s an exciting time in the blogosphere.

  4. Theresa October 12, 2012 at 5:46 pm #

    The sad part for me is that Ive spent the entire time scared, not because I’ve suffered a loss, but because I know it can happen. It just feels extra pathetic

  5. Tami October 12, 2012 at 6:34 pm #

    And this, is exactly where I sit too. Cristy just mentioned that our posts sounded very similar, and the do! I keep attempting to come back to this place of calm, but until I reach a place further than either of my last two miscarriages, I don’t know if that is possible. Even still, I feel like I’ll forever be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    P.S. I love you on the podcast and look forward to hearing you gals weekly.

  6. Hattie October 13, 2012 at 12:03 am #

    You totally summed up where so many people have been. We know too much, and it is unreal the amount of loss this community suffers. But sometimes, everything goes right. So hopeful this is one of those times.

  7. B. just cycling along October 13, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

    Thank you so much for the support! Although I have never been pregnant before, I do understand that all consuming fear as you hope to approach a “safe” point. Right now when I think about 12 weeks, it seems scarily, impossibly far. But I keep trying to remind myself that it is one day at a time and I have to try and celebrate each day I make it further. I have my fingers crossed so tightly for you!

  8. Alissa October 16, 2012 at 6:03 am #

    This is such a great post. Those scary points are something aren’t they? I wish I could find a way to fast forward for you – would that be great?
    Thanks for the shout-out for the twins. It was a difficult day made easier by all the love and support of this blogging community. Hugs friend.

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