On faith

11 Oct

By the time I sat down to dinner last night, I was feeling marginally better.  I read, and re-read, and re-read your comments yesterday and holy hell, did they help. Thank you. More than I can ever say, thank you. I talked to Cristy on the ride home. We agreed, everything is probably fine, I just need to find a way to keep my mind busy.

So instead of eating leftovers that I didn’t really want and that kind of made me feel sick to think about, I made the butternut squash and kale pizza I had been planning. It hit me as I was rolling out the stubborn dough that cooking may just be my salvation. Making that pizza was so therapeutic for me. I felt great after doing it and it tasted unbelievable.

I talked to DH and he was encouraging. He told me not to worry. He said he feels great about the number. It went up by over 1,000 in less than 48 hours! Truth.

Before bed I conducted my own meditation session. I’m trying to focus on this: what will be, will be. My uterus is a warm, welcoming place. My embryos are strong and burrowing and growing at their own special, healthy place. Whatever will be, will be, but let’s go ahead and welcome in hope, and assume (yes, assume), that everything will be just. Fine.

So I was feeling okay. And then I woke up feeling like shit again. Because I’m spotting. I mean, I was trying to deny it yesterday, but undeniably this morning, I am. It’s incredibly light brown and very scant, but sometimes it has little spots of tissue. (Hope you’re not having your breakfast as you read this.) I’m not really having symptoms. My boobs feel normal. I’m not that tired. I’m not peeing that much. I really feel almost nothing.

And suddenly that cocoon of “I’m fine, this is good, I’m totally fine” that I had built up around me came crashing down. Doesn’t help either that I feel like a complete asshole “complaining” in any way, shape or form right now. Because I am pregnant. But I just don’t know for sure if it’s going to last. I really don’t. I’m not complaining. I’m just terrified.

So! New plan: Watch the spotting. Don’t Google. Get thee to acupuncture. Distract, distract, distract (cooking, baking, shopping, going for walks, reading, watching documentaries, all must happen this weekend). Continue to send love and hope to whatever is in there, for however long it plans to stick around, because I am grateful for whatever this is, however it turns out.

I realized in the car this morning: I’m either going to have a miscarriage or a baby. Something big is going to happen either way. The miscarriage, well, it will be impossibly heartbreaking but, we’ve been there before. We can get through it, we really can. And if not that, then (hopefully), it’ll be a baby. It’s an honor just to be on this track. I really truly would rather be here than on the nope, sorry, no dice track.

And in the meantime, DH has faith, my RE has faith, my clinic has faith, you all have faith. That’s plenty enough faith to make up for my lack.

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22 Responses to “On faith”

  1. Belle October 11, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    This part is so hard. I know it all too well. You are doing everything you can, though. Trust in your body and trust in your baby(ies). One of my yoga instructors shared this during one of my very first yoga classes: Om Ritam Namah – My intentions and desires are supported by the universe. This simple mantra gives me so much hope during all the trials and tribulations of infertility. Perhaps it can help you during your meditations, too!

    • Shelley October 11, 2012 at 1:51 pm #

      I love that and will now be using it religiously. Thank you Belle!

  2. sams October 11, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

    I know it’s easier said than done, but just keep the faith and it will pull you through. If cooking helps you stay calm, then I would definitely continue with that. I’ll be thinking of you and sending big hugs and lots of prayers your way.

    • Shelley October 11, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

      Thanks Sams!!

  3. Courtney October 11, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

    I didn’t say this yesterday, but I will today. When my betas tapered off a bit, it was because I had a vanishing twin. When we did the US at 6w4d, we could see the empty sac and they said that probably explained my super high first beta and not quite doubling second and third. I’m telling you this in case that’s the situation. You very likely have one or two healthy babies in there… And will very likely end up taking at least one healthy one home.

    I don’t think you’d have tissue this early if losing one or both embryos. Don’t let that concern you. Remember, right now, they’re teeny tiny…. wouldn’t even show up on ultrasound yet. the tissue is not embryonic, in my uneducated opinion.

    But I know it’s hard. Hang in there!

    • chon October 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

      This was my first thought also. Stay strong only one more week till the ultrasound x

      • Shelley October 11, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

        Actually the ultrasound, if we make it, is at least two weeks away! Next week is just the 3rd beta.

      • Courtney October 11, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

        You’re going to make it PAST the first ultrasound!!!!

      • Shelley October 11, 2012 at 7:27 pm #

        I sure hope you’re right about that!

      • Courtney October 11, 2012 at 7:42 pm #

        Seriously, I’m not a “just think positive” kind of gal – but you have great, strong betas and everyone is happy with your numbers. You’re only worried because you (we) know too much due to the internet 😉

        Hang in there!

  4. nonsequiturchica October 11, 2012 at 3:07 pm #

    Cooking sounds like a great way to keep your mind busy! And I’m sure your husband will appreciate your efforts (the squash and kale pizza sounds delicious!).

  5. Jenny October 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm #

    I have faith for you and your baby(ies). Lots of it. Sending all of you lots of loving, peaceful thoughts. *hugs*

  6. Sarah October 11, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

    holding on to faith in a crisis….yeah that’s hard to do so distraction is a good alternative plan….I’m hoping you are just fine and everything works out with a baby in your arms at the end of all this. You go on with your cooking, baking, and walk taking….I’ll hold on to hope and faith for you!

  7. storkchaser October 11, 2012 at 5:25 pm #

    thank you, thank you, thank you for this! it’ so hard to keep your own faith alive so using the faith of others is important. thanks for that reminder! and know that i’m praying for you and repeating your mantra to your babies! 😉 and i love your resolve to be happy and grateful for your pregnancy each day you have it. that’s something i was telling myself to be if i ever get another BFP but thought i was crazy for it. glad to know it’s possible!!!! also, i haven’t commented on your blog for a very long time until recently, but i have been following and i’m so thrilled for you!!!

  8. Joanna October 11, 2012 at 6:00 pm #

    It’s so hard to wait and wonder and just simply have faith that things are working themselves out, without our super worrying powers or mind tricks!! You know what to do to help yourself stay calm and distracted. I will continue to keep up the faith for you and will be sending tons of love and support out into the universe for you!

  9. Gina October 11, 2012 at 8:36 pm #

    Oh Shelley….I know you’re scared because you’ve had prior experiences. I don’t blame you at all for being worried. Please don’t think for a minute that you’re “complaining” in every way because the fear is real. You’re right, either it’s a miscarriage or will result in a baby (or two) and that’s big! Read our comments periodically and keep up the faith! Hang in there!

  10. Alicia October 12, 2012 at 2:28 am #

    I have faith. Hang in there girl – we’ve got your back.

  11. Lisa October 12, 2012 at 4:25 am #

    Spotting sucks, but its a normal part of early pregnancy. With my son, I spotted right around the five week mark. It lasted 2-3 days and was brownish pink. It was even heavy enough that I wore a pad. Having been an “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” junkie, I had heard enough stories of women who spotted every month, thinking it was just light periods. So I tried not to worry. It went away and 9 months later a healthy baby boy popped out. I really believe things are ok in there. And if you’d like, you can drive to Colorado and cook for me. I think that would help us both! 😉

  12. infertilitydoessuck October 12, 2012 at 11:15 am #

    Google is the ENEMY!!! There are sooo many negatives because in general people who have had an issue will comment about it…people that have no issues will generally not

  13. Alissa October 13, 2012 at 1:02 am #

    Just caught-up and wanted to say I am still so excited for you. I know you have a strong baby in there. It could be a vanishing twin thing, but maybe not. I know just where you are with the freaking out. It’s so hard to have hope and faith but with all the support you have, you can get through to the ultrasound.
    Please, no google!

    • Shelley October 13, 2012 at 3:18 am #

      Thank you Alissa. Your faith in this means the world!!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. 6 weeks « tales from the waiting room - October 20, 2012

    […] I mostly crave carb-y things and cheesy things. Things that were so delicious last week (like that pizza and some oatmeal chocolate cookies I made) make me pukey just thinking about them this week. […]

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