4 Oct

One week ago today, we had two pretty little embryos put back in my uterus. After the RE was done, she stepped back as if to look at her work and pronounced, “They’re home!”

It has honestly been the longest week of my life. The days just seem to drip by like molasses. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been a bit of a mess, especially within the past 12 hours. All week I’ve gotten hit by this feeling at random times of desperately wanting to weep. I feel that welling in my throat and behind my eyes. I know I’m in a fragile place right now and it won’t take much to release the floodgates. Goddamn hormones.

Last night especially, everything just felt so heavy and hard. I had some very scant, washed out light pink spotting when I wiped which is I think what set me off. Spotting has never, ever been a good sign for me. That started with our first miscarriage where I spotted consistently, every day, from before I even thought to pee on a stick. I see it now and immediately think, it’s over.

This morning, there it was again. Same tiny amount, just when I wiped, but now brown. Ugh

So I cried. I cried in the shower last night. I cried in the car on the way in this morning. I don’t know what this means. I know it could be bad, it could be good, it could be nothing.  I’m trying not to obsess over it.

And I just hate that damn hopeful part of me. It’s like one of those blow up toys that you try to knock down and it just pops right back. I actually visualized ripping to shreds, violently, in the car this morning. But it seemed no matter what I did to it, it would regenerate itself immediately and come back smiling. Every. Single. Time. What a pest.

Two days til I pee. I’ve never looked forward to peeing on a stick more.

ps. Thank you all for your kind words over the past week. Your positive thoughts have really helped me survive!


19 Responses to “7dp5dt”

  1. sams October 4, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

    Praying for you that the spotting you are seeing is a good sign of a healthy pregnancy. I’ll be thinking of you, especially since we have our betas on the same day. *hugs*

  2. amy October 4, 2012 at 2:07 pm #

    The spotting is a good sign, tell yourself that 🙂 I’m continuing to pray for you!!

  3. Cristy October 4, 2012 at 2:48 pm #

    Lady, I’m sorry. I remember this period all too well (the rage, the tears, the doubt) and it sucks beyond belief. I’m so sorry to hear about the spotting. Yes, it could most certainly be a good sign, but I aso know that’s not where your mind went when you saw it.

    So, your mission for the rest of the week is to spend 20 minutes each day doing something for Shelley. Be it taking a walk during lunch, going home and curling up with the puppy, reading a good book, a pedicure, etc. Because all of this is overwhelming and you deserve a break from all of this craziness.

    Holding my breath until Saturday. And praying with my whole being.

  4. Kristin October 4, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

    I know Hope, the blow-up doll. I think she sucks, too. I hope this week ends with amazing news. I’m with you, hoping and praying.

  5. Sarah October 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

    OH how I hear you sister….that damn hope thing just keeps coming back….sometimes I want it to stay down….just to give me some peace with where I am at….but NOOOOO! It has to pop back up smiling that wicked grin as if to say…HA HA! In your face…I like the idea of ripping it to shreds, but you’re right, it just regenerates itself no matter what.

    I’m really hoping the pink spotting is a result of something good like implantation bleeding or cervical irritation from vaginal suppositories. Hoping and praying for you….damn that hope thing….

  6. nonsequiturchica October 4, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

    I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but I am sending HEALTHY PREGNANCY thoughts your way! Just think- only 2 more days when you have already made it through 5!

  7. B. just cycling along October 4, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

    It is so hard. But hopefully the spotting is a good thing…a sign of implantation. I think it is very good that it is brown today instead of pink. Wishing you so much strength for these next few days.

  8. Courtney October 4, 2012 at 6:01 pm #

    Do you want to test today? 7dp5dt will most likely give you the result that is accurate. I understand, though, if you don’t want to. Sometimes it’s best to keep hoping!

    • Shelley October 4, 2012 at 8:03 pm #

      Ooo you’re a temptress, aren’t you?! Hahaha. I so want to but I’m SOO wary of getting a false negative and having to deal with that. I did think about doing it tomorrow afternoon. We have a dinner party tomorrow night and I’d like to drink if I can, but I don’t know – I’m nervous! Plus if it’s a BFN I’ll be totally bummed out for the party and these are friends we’ve been wanting to hang out with for a long time. So! I’m probably going to stick it out a little longer and wait for Saturday. 🙂

      • Courtney October 4, 2012 at 8:20 pm #

        Good for you! You have patience!

  9. sass October 4, 2012 at 10:31 pm #

    I know it’s hard, but try not to worry too much about spotting. It could be a sign that your period is coming, or it could be a sign of implantation, or it could be a sign of miscarriage, or it could be a sign of early pregnancy, or it could be a sign of nothing at all! It’s so hard not to let our minds go to the best and worst places…

    Fingers crossed!

  10. Joanna October 4, 2012 at 10:51 pm #

    Thinking of you so much during this incredibly stressful time. I agree with Cristy, try to do something for yourself that is not IF and baby related. I will be holding my breath until Saturday. And I’m sending all the love and well wishes I can! ((hugs))

  11. Kate @ Infertile First Mom October 5, 2012 at 12:51 am #

    I hate it when hoping hurts so much. It should be an easy and natural thing (hoping, that is). But ART takes the easy out of everything, injects it with hormones and surges of emotion, then shoves it down our throats, laughing maniacally as we try to breathe through it. Keep breathing, Shelley. We’re all routing for you and hoping with you.

  12. Lisa October 5, 2012 at 4:07 am #

    I’m sorry you’re feeling like an emotional wreck. The two week wait totally sucks. 7dpt always seems to be about when I lose it completely. After my transfer the embryologist told me that any spotting I see up until my beta is totally normal and nothing to worry about. I know saying that doesn’t make you worry less. Thinking of you. Just one more day before you can pee.

  13. jjiraffe October 5, 2012 at 6:47 am #

    Oh, Shelley, I’m so sorry 😦 I had spotting before the twins’ BFP. I’m thinking about you and hoping for the best…(((HUGS)))

  14. infertilitydoessuck October 5, 2012 at 2:47 pm #

    You are def not out…brown is not bad…this waiting is such torture!!! I hope you get a bfp!!!

  15. Theresa October 5, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

    Waiting is the absolute worst – it sucks being in limbo. Praying for a positive test come Saturday!

  16. Aplatanada October 5, 2012 at 10:49 pm #

    Uf, that damn spotting! Hoping it’s the good kind. Sending positive thoughts your way.

  17. infertilitydoessuck October 12, 2012 at 1:50 pm #

    have hope!!! you are not out!!!

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