2 Oct

Today marks five days since my transfer and also, DH’s birthday. I know some people test this early and get positives, and I honestly thought about it. Because what an amazing birthday present that would be for DH.

But not for long, because what a slap in the face it would be if it was negative. And I have to be honest guys, my gut is telling me it’s going to be negative. I’m feeling the same way I felt during my last cycle, the symptoms almost completely mirror each other. On and off cramping, tired, frequent peeing. Yes, they could all be good signs, and for many people they are, but for me, it freaks me out how much they mirror my IVF symptoms. I took them as good signs last time; I won’t be so naive again. Also, my boobs were feeling pretty sore the past few days but this morning? Nothing. So you know, immediately my brain jumps to: not pregnant.

I know I probably sound crazy. Or maybe this is just a protector part of me, swooping in to save me from disappointment.  Actually, scratch that, I KNOW this is a protector part, and I’m kind of letting it have full reign. I decided yesterday to stop suppressing it and let it speak, maybe it had some important things to say. It asked me, why would this work? Why now after all this time? It thinks our whole batch of embryos are bad and doomed to fail. That we probably overstimmed and got lots of bad eggs. That maybe if we stim less next time to get fewer, better eggs. Maybe if we do PGD to select the very best embryos. Maybe if we do an endometrial biopsy to rule out infection. MAYBE then we will have a shot. But this? This little FET right here? Forget about it.

This is why I have decided to test early. Not terribly early, not today. But on Saturday, which will be 9dp5dt and plenty late enough, I think, to get at least a faint positive on a very sensitive test, if anything has decided to stick in there. Or, been permitted to stick. Whatever the issue may be. See I realized that the real reason I was against testing early last time was really because I didn’t want the fantasy to be over. You know the whole pregnant until proven otherwise, I can haz embryos in my uterus, that whole thing. Basically, if I didn’t know I wasn’t pregnant, I could still pretend – or at least hope – that I was.

But this cycle, despite sending lots of love and encouragement to my embryos (I know I sound down but I’ve still been talking to them a lot and picturing sewing them to my uterine walls), I just want the torture of AM I or AREN’T I to be over as soon as possible. I wish I could have the calm demeanor of some of my fellow bloggers who have gone through this process or are going through it now. I wish I could say I’m just hanging out, meditating on my embies and filling my being with love, light and positivity but I’m just a jumble of everything right now.

Please let this week pass quickly.


17 Responses to “5dp5dt”

  1. Alicia October 2, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

    As best you can, be kind to yourself… Remember that you would give the boot to any friend that was a total biatch to you and constantly said negative things… Give the same boot to yourself anytime you dwell on negativity, as best you can.

    Easier said than done, I know. I am my own worst enemy through all of this.

    Fingers crossed that this is it. Rooting for you!!! And happy bday to your man!

  2. Jenn October 2, 2012 at 2:35 pm #

    Saturday will be here before you know it. My fingers are crossed so tightly for you lady!

  3. Sarah October 2, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

    Oh how I feel you…I wondered and then I went ahead and tested too early…unfortunately this ended negatively for me. Next time, I’m going to do my best to do zero testing.

    I hope above all hope this is the one that sticks around!!! And tell your hubs Happy Birthday!

  4. I hope you get great news on Saturday. I am sending lots of positive vibes your way. Happy birthday to your husband!

  5. B. just cycling along October 2, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    Ugh…I completely understand how you feel. That is how I felt during this last 2ww after ivf. Nothing felt different than any other month we tried inthe previous year and a half and I was completely discouraged (complete with tears). Yet, something was different because I got the first second line I have ever seen. So I know it can feel like nothing new and still be something. I so completely hope this is the case for you. Fingers crossed.

  6. Kristin October 2, 2012 at 3:25 pm #

    Who needs these next four days? Wouldn’t time travel be awesome? To skip every 2ww?! I hope this week flies by and you are greeted with a very positive test on Saturday morning. Sending lots of positive thoughts.

  7. infertilitydoessuck October 2, 2012 at 3:39 pm #

    sending you positive vibes!!!

  8. Theresa October 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm #

    This month felt totally different for me as well. I expected progesterone induced sore boobs, tiredness, the works – it was completely different and yet it worked.
    Also, I was totally not calm and metatative – I’m totally jealous of anyone who is!
    Come on Saturday!

  9. sass October 2, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

    Oh my gosh, I can’t even tell you how much I relate to this post…although I didn’t keep up the fantasy at all. I just simply believed it wouldn’t work and tested all the time for who knows what reason. Of course I wanted it to work, but 10 days past what would have been ovulation 🙂 I totally tested negative. And then 12 “dpo” it turned into a positive (with next to no symptoms).

    I have been thinking of you, and hoping that this is your lucky cycle. I hope it’s not true that your eggs are bad, and that they chose the perfect one this time. No matter what, I hope good things are coming you way soon.

  10. Lisa @ hapahopes October 2, 2012 at 9:37 pm #

    OH how I can relate to the “to pee or not to pee” dilemma. I’m not a big pee-er, but I do want a heads up before I go in for beta. I feel you on the doubt thing too, but maybe your body wasn’t ready during the fresh cycle or maybe it was just not the right embies. Keeping hope alive for you over here!

  11. Hattie October 2, 2012 at 11:28 pm #

    Good luck surviving this week! Fingers crossed for good news.

  12. sams October 3, 2012 at 1:48 am #

    I’m with you. I had my first FET last Thursday too. For my first fresh cycle, I didn’t obsess about my symptoms nor was I tempted to POAS in the slightest. But this time is different. I don’t feel any different this time either, other than having fewer cramps, and I have one lonely digital pregnancy test hanging out in my bathroom. I’m thinking mine is going to come back negative too. So maybe I’ll POAS this weekend. Or maybe I’ll stay strong and wait until my blood draw on Monday….I’m not really sure yet.

    • Shelley October 4, 2012 at 1:28 pm #

      Is yours definitely on Monday? Mine was supposed to be, but they moved it to TUESDAY because of Columbus Day. OY!!

  13. jjiraffe October 3, 2012 at 6:37 am #

    Abiding with you. The 2 ww is the pits. It really messes with our heads. I’m wishing for the best.

  14. Lydia October 3, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

    This captures so much of the debate I go through every month. Some months I feel very protective of myself and don’t want any hope so I pee early, but not bc I think I’ll see a positive, but to show myself that I am still not pregnant and to squash the hope. It’s painful. I wish you peace in the coming days!

  15. Alissa October 4, 2012 at 1:25 am #

    I think anyone who has been through a FET has felt this way. I know I did. I just wanted to know once and for all…no putzing around waiting. You are so strong my dear, you will be okay and it IS okay to think that it didn’t work. Cause thinking it didn’t stick won’t hinder the possibility that it/they did. If you need to protect yourself, I get that. You will know soon and I am hoping for you that this was a success. All positive thoughts coming your way.

  16. MrsBun October 4, 2012 at 6:27 am #

    Thinking of you xox

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: