As good as it gets… or something

28 Sep

So the transfer went well this morning. As good as it gets was a phrase that was mentioned. My uterus was positioned perfectly, my bladder was just the right amount of full, my cervix was cooperative, the practice catheter and the actual catheter both went in perfectly, the embryos survived the thaw and looked really good, and yeah. The transfer went well this morning.

And ever since, all day long, I’ve been parked on the daybed in the office, trying not to freak out. I napped, I worked, I watched Bill Cunningham New York. I even listened twice to Circle+Bloom’s transfer day track.

I’m still freaking out. I realized this in the car on the way to the city, before the transfer. I dropped my water bottle in the garage and the top popped off, spilling water everywhere. Then we were running late and DH started speeding and driving aggressively. Everything felt so tense and I felt the tears starting and was sure it was all a sign that everything would go wrong, or would perhaps all be the cause of everything going wrong but somehow, some way, everything would go wrong.

The fact that the transfer went so right didn’t really matter. Everything went super right with my IVF cycle, supposedly. Look where that got me. I realized that I’m actually really, really scared of this failing too. Which is a different thing from hoping it will work. I’ve been so focused on moderating my hope level that I forgot to address my fear level.

I’ve decided not to put ANY kind of stock in symptoms. I did way too much of that last time.

I don’t know guys, it’s just so weird and nerve wracking and anxiety inducing, having the embryos inside me. Worrying about every sneeze and every physical strain. Trying my best to keep my bladder empty because that’s what they told me to do. Not wanting to hope but hoping. Yet not understanding how this could possibly work, or envisioning what this cycle right now working would look like. Knowing I have to wait until a WEEK from Monday for my beta. Wanting to talk to them and bond with them while they’re here, but not knowing how long they’ll be alive and kicking in there. And not wanting to spend time bonding with embryos that aren’t viable.

I thought FETs were easier (and they generally are) but the post-transfer, pre-beta stretch is still just as maddening.

Can I just take a nap until October 8th?

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18 Responses to “As good as it gets… or something”

  1. Keisha September 28, 2012 at 1:05 am #

    I remember that Corey and I were at each other’s throats one morning as we prepared to go in for our 3rd IUI. I got so upset when we were bickering in the car because I was convinced all of the negativity was a bad omen; it was so distressing and I’m sorry you had to feel that way this morning.
    I’ll be thinking of you and sending lots of positive thoughts your way, my friend.

  2. Sarah September 28, 2012 at 1:42 am #

    Oh dear…your morning sounded similar to mine one week ago today….and again the transfer went beautifully…of course that doesn’t mean a damn thing. Good luck with the 2WW…my RE actually gave me a survival guide on how to survive the 2WW. Yeah, lot a good it did me…

    Here’s hoping your week and 3 days goes by a zillion times faster than mine has, which by the way feels like it’s been months…Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. B September 28, 2012 at 1:53 am #

    I have no good words of wisdom…other than you are completely normal to feel this way. It is such a scary, heightened emotion time. I am wishing you so much luck and hope this TWW goes by fast.

  4. Cristy September 28, 2012 at 2:00 am #

    I know where you’re coming from on this. Being back in the same room, same procedure, hoping for a different outcome. It’s hard NOT to stress. Thing is, though it feels like the same story, it’s not. Your body isn’t completely ravaged by hormones (though still ravaged, unfortunately) and these are different embryos. In short, there’s a chance. A good one.

    I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Keiko: don’t worry about being positive and strong during this time. Just be. Take each day as it comes, acknowledging the emotions along the way. Leave all the hoping and positive thinking to us. Because you know there are so many who want this for you. We’re here, sending you love and willing those embryos to implant.

    Hang in there and thinking of you and DH tonight. All while chanting for implantation.

  5. Geochick September 28, 2012 at 2:48 am #

    Ugh, a week from Monday seems so far away…I hope that it’s not too excruciating for you.

  6. cassiedash September 28, 2012 at 3:29 am #

    Yes, I totally give you permission to sleep through your 2WW. I’ve wanted to do so myself many times before! Hoping it flies for you, and most importantly — that there’s a happy ending to it all. Because then, it will be well worth the wait. ~ hugs ~

  7. Alicia September 28, 2012 at 5:09 am #

    Hang in there. We’re rooting for you and your little embryos!

  8. jjiraffe September 28, 2012 at 7:11 am #

    The waiting was always the hardest part for me. Remember the scene in Alien where they are in hyper sleep and the computer wakes them up when it needs to? I always liked the hyper sleep idea for the 2ww.

  9. cindy September 28, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    the waiting never ends and I think gets worse…def eat some pineapple core and try to relax…you have done your job now let the embryos do their job!!! Wishing you lots of sticky dust!!!

  10. sass September 28, 2012 at 2:39 pm #

    I vote yes on the extended nap.

    I’m glad everything went well, but yeah, this 2ww still sucks. I can’t tell you how many times I cursed myself for sneezing too hard. Can you really control how you sneeze anyway? And, I’m sure it never mattered, it was just one more thing to be anxious about.

    I hope, hope, hope that this is your lucky cycle. I’ll be thinking of you!

  11. amy September 28, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    I will be praying for you!!!!

  12. Amy September 28, 2012 at 3:07 pm #

    I’m really happy that things went so well for you this morning (after your arrival that is ;)!). I’m going to have my first FET on Oct 4th (next week!) after a failed IVF in July and I’ve recently started listening to the BI podcast, so I have been watching your blog. I definitely know how you feel about this cycle after the first IVF. Without question I have been feeling the same way. “Not wanting to hope but hoping.” – exactly! Definitely wishing you the best of luck and some distraction until your beta. What to do during the TWW? I’m going to try knitting a whole sweater! Ambitious? Yes, but it sure will keep me occupied until my beta on Oct 13th.

  13. Jenny September 28, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

    Yay for things going so well with the transfer!

    I want to echo what Cristy said about leaving the hoping to us. Just feel what you need to feel.

    Sending you lots of good thoughts.

  14. nonsequiturchica September 28, 2012 at 8:43 pm #

    I’m hoping your TWW flies by (although it will most likely draaaaaag on). But it sounds like the transfer went well which is GREAT news!

  15. sams September 28, 2012 at 10:59 pm #

    I have my beta on October 8th also! It should technically be on Sunday the 7th but I guess they just wanted me to come on the 8th instead. Oh well. If my test is positive it should still be positive one day later.

    I did not obsess about any possible symptoms for my last fresh cycle, nor was I tempted to POAS before my beta, but I’m not sure I will be that strong this time. I have so much more hope this cycle than last cycle.

    I HOPE we both get positive betas on the 8th! I’ll be thinking of you.

    • Shelley October 1, 2012 at 6:44 pm #

      Yes, mine is technically supposed to be on Sunday too! I have to call them though to make sure they’ll still be open on the 8th as it’s Columbus Day. Fingers crossed for us both!!

  16. Lydia October 1, 2012 at 6:36 pm #

    I’m with Cristy, just take it as it comes. Trying to pretend it isn’t happening can take more effort than just feeling the up and down emotions sometimes. I often just let myself give into to it. Protecting yourself while having a glimmer of hope is one of the hardest things about infertility for me. Good luck and I’m praying for good news next week!

  17. Lindsay October 2, 2012 at 12:50 am #

    Glad the transfer went so well!! I know how nervous you are and trying not to put all your eggs in one basket but Dr P is the best!!! I had your doctor for the transfer and you had mine, that has to be some kind of good sign. Thinking of you and hoping at least one of those embryos is currently nestling in….anxious to hear about your beta!!!

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