Removed

19 Sep

I have to admit, I haven’t felt much like blogging lately. It’s weird. With our IVF cycle, I wanted to share with the world. I blogged constantly. I opened up to friends and family about everything, every step of the way. I was just so much more present and involved.

This FET is happening. It’s in full swing. Our transfer is a week from tomorrow! That is blowing my mind right now. But I’m so much more withdrawn and out of it than I was with the IVF. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to dedicate any more real estate to it than is absolutely necessary.

If I had to guess, I’d say it’s because I don’t want to put stock into it. Because I think it will fail. And I don’t want to feel like another thing I worked really hard at failed. That’s what I’d guess. If I had to.

But I don’t have to. I can be removed from this if I want to be. My parents know nothing about this cycle even happening. I’ve barely talked to DH about it (though of course he knows everything that’s going on). Infertility is about survival more than anything. I’m just going to get through this series of FETs. And then I can figure ish out.

I guess part of this natural removal, this step back, has been some major slacking on the photo challenge front. And honestly, I’m not sure if I’ll continue it, as much fun as it’s been. It was supposed to be a fun distraction but it turns out I don’t need a distraction. I just want to turn everything off and tuck my head down for a while.

So if I seem a little scarce, that’s why. But I’ll be around. Here and there. Don’t wait up for me. But do leave the light on.

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12 Responses to “Removed”

  1. Theresa September 19, 2012 at 12:34 am #

    thinking of you and your transfer next week. Fingers crossed for good news in a few weeks!

  2. pcosbarrenness September 19, 2012 at 12:40 am #

    I’ve been feeling the same way lately. Our first FET will be in mid-October and I am dreading it in a lot of ways. It’s so tiring to go through the process and all of the emotions…

    Hopefully this one works out for you!

  3. Erin Marshall September 19, 2012 at 12:41 am #

    I so completely understand how you are feeling.
    I recently changed my blog’s title from Surviving River (Surviving River Angel) to something completely unrelated to River. I’m kind of torn, because a part of me feels like that means I am trying to sweep her under the rug. Honestly, it isn’t about that at all. She will never be swept under the rug, she is present in everything I do. I acknowledge that; but I don’t feel the need to constantly point a spotlight at it.
    So, I do what I do, and I blog about it, and she is with me through it all, even if I don’t always tell everyone else about it.

  4. lindsay September 19, 2012 at 12:44 am #

    Wow can’t believe your transfer is already almost here…I know how hard it is for you to be hopeful so I will be hopeful for you, while you protect yourself….you’re so close, thinking of you!

  5. sams September 19, 2012 at 12:55 am #

    I hear you. I’ve only blogged like 4 times or something this month for my FET cycle. But for me, it’s more because there isn’t much going on with this FET when compared with my last IVF. I actually think I’m more invested in this cycle than my last cycle…I just hope it doesn’t come back to bite me in the rear. So I’m cautiously optimistic.

    I originally wanted to participate in Em’s photo challenge too but I’ve just been so busy. I might still try to do something but it’s not a top priority. So I’m right there with you on that.

    My FET is tentatively scheduled for a week from Thursday so we are cycling together! We haven’t told my parents or DH’s parents about this cycle yet either. I mean, they know something is happening in September but that’s about it.

    Praying so much for BFP for you!

  6. clwalchevill September 19, 2012 at 1:22 am #

    I get this and have been there. After being on the TTC roller coaster for so long and being diappoimted time and again, I think what you’re feelings is completely natural. With my last cycle, I didn’t start to feel hopeful till after the transfer. That’s just how it all went down.

    So, I’ll be the crazy, hopeful one for you. I promise not to POAS 4dp5dt (it would be too sad), but I will be sending nothing but good vibes to you and DH during this time

  7. Lisa @ hapahopes September 19, 2012 at 11:14 pm #

    I was so glad to see this because I’m feeling the same way.

    I’ve got the light on for ya!

  8. Aly (@breathegently) September 21, 2012 at 11:44 pm #

    Good luck hon. x

  9. sass September 25, 2012 at 10:43 am #

    I’ve been thinking about you. Just 2 more days to go. Well, 2 more days until the awful wait anyway.

    After our first IVF, which failed, resulted in no frozen embryos, and was generally so much harder than I thought it could ever be, I had similar feelings about our second IVF. I think that’s okay. It’s a way of coping – because all of this – it’s just too much stress sometimes. I blogged through our second IVF, but I never believed it would work. Hang in there. The next two and a half weeks will pass, and I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

    I hope you’re enjoying these first days of fall.

  10. Joanna September 25, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

    I’ve been gone for quite a while as well. Way too much to process and not near enough time or energy. Thinking of you, the transfer and your much needed time away. ((hugs))

  11. Sarah September 26, 2012 at 2:13 am #

    As someone in the 2WW of her FET, I totally get this. The cycle came up so quickly and was so “laid back” compared to a fresh cycle. But I stupidly went into this thinking it would work. Because why wouldn’t it? My fresh cycle worked and this is easier than a fresh cycle. I did blog about it, but I just didn’t feel all that into it…now I’m dealing with the 2WW and trying not to obsess. I have convinced myself this didn’t work based on my symptoms or lack there of.

    I hope your transfer goes beautifully and it is a successful cycle for you.

  12. Alissa September 27, 2012 at 1:00 am #

    Oh my gosh, I feel you. I was the same way for my FET. I tried to blog when I could to keep up on my ‘journal’ but my heart wasn’t in it much, especially since two of our three embies ended up not making the thaw. I just wanted it to be over and not think about it if I didn’t have to. We only told our immediate family that time, no friends. It felt like a whole different ballgame.

    I will hold the hope for you and wish you well as your transfer date approaches. I know you don’t think this will work or don’t want to get your hopes up…but it is a possibility and you wouldn’t be putting yourself through this if you didn’t have that nugget of belief.

    Take care hon!

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