27 Aug

Hi friends. I’m back! I’ve been on a little vacation, both for reals (at the beach! down South!) and from worrying about try to get pregnant, taking meds, appointments, procedures, everything. I’ve been doing my best to forget that I’m infertile, just for a little while. Just because I can, since we have this cycle off before diving into FET #1.

Of course, I can never forget entirely. I carry the weight of two and half years of trying and losing around on my body everywhere I go. And my heart winces, every time I see a beautiful child or spot a pregnant belly. This will always be with me. I’m only hoping it gets easier with time. That every pregnancy announcement and sonogram doesn’t cut me to the quick. That I don’t have this deep feeling of sick dread, of hearing that my best friend or my future sister in law or a coworker, is knocked up.

I have no idea where I am in my cycle, when my period is due and when we’ll start this FET. And to be honest, I’m kind of removed from it. I want to do it, but I have no faith that it’s going to work. I don’t mind if the cycle starts in one week or two or four. I kind of hope AF does drag her feet. That would just give me more time to enjoy just living, just being, just a little while longer.

Don’t look ahead, there’s stormy weather
Another roadblock in our way
But if we go, we go together
Our hands are tied here if we stay

Oh, we said our dreams will carry us
And if they don’t fly we will run
Now we push right past to find out
Oh, how to win what they all lost

Oh ah, oh ah
We know now we want more
Oh ah, oh ah
A life worth fighting for

ps. Stop back tomorrow for an exciting announcement about a new project I’ve been working on! x


6 Responses to “Back”

  1. Alicia August 27, 2012 at 2:08 am #

    Hugs. Take care.

  2. infertilitydoessuck August 27, 2012 at 2:18 am #

    Glad you are enjoying your break

  3. Cristy August 27, 2012 at 3:37 am #

    Welcome back lady. I’m glad that vacation was fun and relaxing.

    I know how you’re feeling. It’s hard to get motivated when you’ve lost so much. For now, we’ll do the hoping. Just rest up and now I’m thinking of you.

  4. idioticinfertility August 27, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

    My BC weeks before starting this IVF cycle were the best I’ve had in the last year and a half. You’re right, the break from uncertainty is such a relief.

  5. sass August 27, 2012 at 6:34 pm #

    Welcome back! I’m glad you’ve enjoyed your time away, and I’m very curious to hear about your project 🙂

  6. sams August 29, 2012 at 5:49 pm #

    I felt pretty much the same way after our first fresh cycle failed last month. I just started Lupron today for our first frozen cycle. And I feel much more relaxed for this cycle (so far).

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