The WTF.

8 Aug
Okay, I need to get this post written while the memory is still fresh.
We just had our follow up appointment with Dr. B. The infamous “Why the fail?” appointment, otherwise known as the WTF. On our way over there, DH and I were both very nervous about what he would say. Why did he think it failed? What was his recommendation for moving forward? And most importantly, did he think we would ever get pregnant?
We made stupid jokes and laughed just a little too hard as we approached the hospital. But the appointment went as well as could have been hoped for. First off, we didn’t have to wait an hour to see the man (just 15 minutes). And he was incredibly kind and warm towards us. He took us back to his personal office (not the cold, interior room where we usually meet) and sat next to me, instead of across from me, so he could show us our charts and walk us through everything.
He started by saying how sorry he was, how he knows how disappointing it is, but how he is very confident still that we will get pregnant and be parents. He said he doesn’t like to have these conversations, unfortunately he has to have them a lot, but that this wasn’t nearly as bad as some of the conversations like this he has to have. I so needed to hear these things from him.
He then started at the very beginning, long before I ever saw him, with our first miscarriage. He said something no one ever said to me at the time, that a miscarriage at 25 is very uncommon and a sign that things are chromosomally (sp?) abnormal with our embryos. That theory is only furthered by the fact that we then proceeded not to get pregnant for so many months, though he hinted that perhaps sperm was meeting egg during those times, but my uterus was rejecting the inferior embryos.
He then talked about our IUI cycles, how I grew too many follicles, which is what led us to our IVF cycle. He said the cycle went very well, almost perfectly, although we almost got TOO MANY eggs. If we do a future fresh cycle, he indicated that he would try for fewer eggs. He said the reason this failed was because #s 10 and 7 had something wrong with them, and my uterus knew that and didn’t let them implant. I asked if it could be a blood flow issue or something else wrong with my uterus but he was pretty clear that something was wrong with the embryos themselves.
That all scared me a lot and made me nervous for the future. But he is convinced that we’ll find a way to make this work. He wants to start doing FETs with my seven frozen embryos, transferring two at a time (though possibly three in the last cycle if we make it to a 3rd FET). He still does not recommend PGD at this time, in fact he rarely EVER recommends it, though he said if these FETs don’t work, he will strongly consider it for my next fresh cycle.
Then we sat down with the nurse to talk about the FET protocol. I was happy to hear they don’t do the whole BCP, Lupron FET protocol that I’ve heard about. Starting with CD 1 of my next cycle, I’ll begin taking Estrace (estrogen pills) twice per day for about two weeks. Once my lining gets thick enough, I start the PEO shots again. The day I start the shots is when they’ll defrost the embabes and then six days later, transfer them. Two weeks after that will be the beta. Easy peasy. Or at least, WAY easier than a fresh cycle.
DH left there feeling very optimistic once again. I didn’t feel quite so optimistic. I was glad to hear that Dr. Buster still thinks we have a good shot. But nervous to hear that there is almost certainly something going very wrong with our embryos. And I don’t understand why or how that will change? I guess even when there is this problem, they’re still not ALL bad. So it’s just luck of the draw to put in one of the ones that’s good. Or something.
DH believes strongly though that we need to be optimistic, though cautiously optimistic. I told him that I didn’t know if I could muster up the optimism anymore. I got it up for the IVF cycle but right now I’m still feeling pretty dashed. And isn’t it better anyways, to not have hope and then be pleasantly surprised? Then to keep getting your hopes smashed time after time?
I said, why don’t you do the hoping for both of us. He said, okay, I’ll be the optimism, you be the cautious. Deal.

12 Responses to “The WTF.”

  1. MrsTypeA August 8, 2012 at 3:53 pm #

    I totally understand being cautious (and I would be too!), but I think some of the optimism might come back after a few weeks and when you are back into trying again. Has DH been tested for DNA fragmentation? It’s an SA (all the same for the guy) but they actually go in and look at the DNA of the sperm. It’s not the cheapest test in the world, but it might help make sense of things. And if there are problems with the DNA, there are vitamins and such that help make it a lot better! Regardless, it might help for him to be on a good solid men’s vitamin (if he’s not already of course!). I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Thank goodness a FET is way less so you can get started quicker! GL!!!

  2. veetamia August 8, 2012 at 4:21 pm #

    I’m really impressed, and very happy for you, by the way your RE took the time to talk to you and take care of you in an emotional level as well. I wished for that when our IVF1 failed. We are also looking into doing a FET this month, natural, so I hope that we both have better luck this time around!

  3. Katie August 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

    This would be my husband and myself too. I hope the FET is way easier on you and of course with a different outcome. I will be cheering you on the whole way!

  4. sass August 8, 2012 at 8:58 pm #

    Cautiously optimistic is my MO lately. I feel like these WTF appointments, especially when the IF is “unexplained,” can be so frustrating. I went into mine expecting answers, and left with “the eggs were bad.”

    I hope that your frozen embryos are all you need, and I’m glad to hear that you won’t have to go on BCPs and Lupron for the FET. Fingers crossed.

  5. Alicia August 9, 2012 at 12:07 am #

    Glad to hear you got some answers. I’m sorry that this is happening… I wish there was no such thing as chromosomal issues with embryos, or that the uterus was capable of rejecting anything at all. Hugs. You are going to make it through this and at the end of this road, you WILL have a chromosomally perfect baby!

  6. Cristy August 9, 2012 at 12:13 am #

    Following my first failed IVF, I wasn’t overly happy with the WTF appointment. To hear that it was just bad luck didn’t sit well. But, as we prepared for round 2, I was able to find the optimism that I didn’t think I had and get back into fighting spirit.

    I think you need time to process all of this as well as heal. You’ve been through a lot and expecting someone to be able to bounce back is a bit ridiculous. So, rest up and know that there is still hope. I believe in it and I believe in you. Sending love and many, many hugs.

  7. Theresa August 9, 2012 at 12:25 am #

    Lord. I actually thought that WTF stood for a “what the fuck” appointment.

    Cautiously optimistic seems the safe way to go, though I totally understand your cautiousness too. Fingers crossed that one of your 7 embies is your take home baby.

  8. Alissa August 9, 2012 at 4:53 am #

    I’m glad to hear you had a relatively good WTF appointment and it sounds like you have a great doctor. I pray that you will find your good luck embie on this next round. Sorry your last two couldn’t stick around.

  9. Emily August 9, 2012 at 12:38 pm #

    I also thought that WTF was something else…. Which also makes perfect sense!!! I think it’s great that you two are balancing each other. Isn’t that what a relationship is?

  10. I’m glad you have answers and hope that your FET cycle goes well. I was reading an article the other day that said FET was actually better and some doctors are now just doing them. My fingers are crossed for you!

  11. Emily @ablanket2keep August 9, 2012 at 11:52 pm #

    So glad you got some answers even if they weren’t ones you wanted to hear. Sounds like a great Dr. I will be holding lots of hope for you hon. I have faith that one of those little embies will stick around! Hugz!

  12. Her Royal Fabulousness August 10, 2012 at 6:53 pm #

    So glad your doctor was so great with you. No one wants a WTF appt. but if you had to have one, sounds like it went ok. It’s great you are going forward with an FET and I have high hopes for you. xo

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