Moving on

6 Aug

Life has this really annoying and utterly beautiful way of moving on.

Your world may come to a standstill for a moment, but then, even if you don’t want it to, things keep happening. The sun keeps rising and falling. Parents leave, husbands come home, work parties and birthday parties happen, and somehow normal finds a way to creep in.

You find yourself smiling and laughing and making jokes and dancing and forgetting, somehow, that everything you’ve ever really wanted has slipped your grasp yet again.

The past few days have been hard, yet also wonderful. I’ve spent lots of quality and much needed time with DH. We spent Friday at a party for my work and had such a good time talking to people, soaking up the sun, and forgetting our troubles. Though occasionally, we’d turn to each other and frown slightly or say, “You know, I really did think it was going to work this time.”

Saturday morning found us sitting at a coffee shop in Salem and then later, at a friend’s birthday party. Drinking, laughing, listening to live music, jumping on trampolines, playing cornhole, just living. As if everything hadn’t just come crashing down around us.

But it has, and we’re dealing with it as best we can. We made an appointment to go meet with Dr. B on Wednesday. Here are my questions for him. What do you think happened? What is your recommendation for moving forward? Have you ever seen a case like ours before? Should we be encouraged by how many good embryos we got? Or discouraged by the fact that they didn’t take?

But you know my true, burning question for him, is just simply, will we ever get pregnant?

Because I don’t know anymore. I really thought all along, through all this infertility crap, at the end of it it’d all be worth it because we’d have our baby. But I just don’t know for sure if that’s in the cards for us. And that scares the shit out of me. I’m so scared of having to go through life with this deep, unfulfilled desire and watching everyone else get that desire filled. What will that do to me? What will that make me? Will it make me some hideous, jealous, darkly scarred person, full of anger and bitterness?

One scenario we talked about this weekend was, what if we try for one more year. Use up all our frozen embryos over the course of one more year. And then, if at the end of that, we’re not closer to having a baby, take a breather from all this. A big breather. As in, stop living life like a baby is going to come into the picture in the foreseeable future and start living child free for a while. Go abroad if we can. Quit our jobs, pack our bags (and our animals!) and move to another country, where we can focus on learning a new language and meeting new people and taking pictures and odd jobs to pay the bills and a totally new life. Do that for a few years until we’re 30 (or early 30s). Then, if we’re still game, come back and start trying again.

Maybe these are the crazy things infertiles dream up when they’re at the end of their rope. But just the dream of it, helps a little. Somehow, I need to know that there’s something positive on the horizon, something within my control.

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6 Responses to “Moving on”

  1. sass August 6, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

    Time is funny that way…how it keeps on ticking by even when it feels like it should slow down. I’ve always thought it made it easier to face things.

    Anyway, I love your plan. I do think you’ll be pregnant before the year is up, but having a plan to do something just for you and your husband, to enrich your lives, seems perfect. Plus I love traveling, and I wish that I’d spent more than a semester plus a few vacations abroad.

  2. Cristy August 6, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

    If packing up and leaving it all is crazy, then I’m long overdue for being admitted to a mental institution.

    I think one of the hardest things to face during this process is the possibility that pregnancy may not happen. It doesn’t mean you’ll never be a parent (if you want it, it will happen), but the idea that something that was suppose to be a given no longer is is a scary concept. And I honestly believe that no one can fully understand the weight of it unless they’ve had to confront it themselves.

    I’m glad you were able to find some moments to distract yourself. And I’m hoping the appointment with the RE is informative. Sending love and light.

  3. Joanna August 6, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

    I hope the appointment with the RE can provide some sort of resolution for you and DH and give you a direction to head in for next time. Again I am so very sorry that this first one was not a success, I really hate that for you. And I completely get the life moving on around you concept. You find yourself laughing and having a good time in spite of your sadness. Which can be good and bad. My hubs and I keep saying we are disappearing for Christmas (if there is no baby)! Tropical drinks and just the two of us! Thinking of you during this time xoxo

  4. Alicia August 8, 2012 at 1:02 am #

    The best is yet to come!

  5. Emily @ablanket2keep August 8, 2012 at 2:20 am #

    I like your plan after a year! Of course I hope you never get to that!

  6. I this that is a fantastic plan. And just think of all the infertiles who will come visit;-)

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