Beta day, the full story

1 Aug

Pardon my brevity earlier. I was still processing the news and very upset (understandably, of course, but still) at the time.

The truth is that I knew it would be negative when I woke up to pee early this morning and wiped blood. AF was trying to start and it was obvious to me that the blood, combined with the fact that I wasn’t at all bloated (when really I should have been, at least a little, if I was pregnant), meant this was a big, giant fail. A huge fail. I went back to bed all alone and silently cried.

I put on a brave face as I said goodbye to my parents and then proceeded to bawl all the way into the city. As the phlebotomist took my blood, I told myself, this is the last needle stick. The last invasion of my body by Western medicine for the next little while. It was a merciful call by my clinic nurse at 9:30 this morning, the earliest they’ve ever called me, ever. To tell me she was sorry, it was negative. Not low, negative (I checked, later in the day).

It was one of the hardest days ever, on the verge of crying all day. But I didn’t let myself fully go there, I couldn’t. If I did, everyone would have noticed and they would have tried to comfort me and that would have made it worse and I would have ended up going home early due to crying. Insult to injury. Didn’t need it.

I’m sad. And so, so freaked out. This was my worst fear. I wasn’t scared of trying IVF, but I was scared of it not working. In fact, this is a nightmare for me, a living nightmare. For me, it is made so much worse by the fact that, except for the fact that my beautiful embryos failed to implant, everything was textbook. Better than textbook. Really, really great. Even my clinic nurse admitted that they were surprised by our BFN. This was nice to hear, because part of me is mad at myself for letting myself be so open to hope with this cycle. I’m glad to know that hope wasn’t unfounded.

It feels like my body failed me, and more importantly, my embryos. My two little stars, numbers 10 and 7. Poor little things. I know now I can make lots of eggs and they can fertilize well and make strong embryos that go to day five (and six. I found out we have seven frozen now, five frozen on day five, and two more on day six). I do not know why these two strong embryos failed to implant. I do not know what else I could have done differently. I did acupuncture, meditation, took my vitamins every day. We transferred two. It’s so scary to know you did everything and everything went perfectly and you still failed. For a perfectionist, Type A person like myself, this is particularly hard to wrap my head around.

We need to schedule our WTF appt with Dr. B. We need to talk options and figure out where we’re going from here. I have some thoughts about this but I need time to process them, and Dr. B’s input, before I’m ready to talk about them.

But first, I need to see my husband and hug him close. That won’t happen for at least 48 more hours, which kills me.

Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes. It’s amazing how you keep discovering tougher spots, darker and darker places, on this journey. And also, how even in those darkest of places, a hint of light shines through. So thank you for that.

Now, for rest and gratitude.

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15 Responses to “Beta day, the full story”

  1. Hattie August 1, 2012 at 12:44 am #

    I’m so sorry you’re not with your husband right now. So sorry about it all. Thinking about you tonight!

  2. dopingforbaby August 1, 2012 at 3:09 am #

    You did everything you could to make this successful, and it’s scary when your best doesn’t end in a positive result. That’s what sucks about infertility and IVF: so much is out of our control. I wish your husband could be there with you right now. Surround yourself with good people until he returns. Be good to yourself. This is such a sucky situation. You’re in my thoughts.

  3. sass August 1, 2012 at 10:05 am #

    I am so very sad for you. It is incredibly frustrating to hear that everything was perfect and they don’t know why. I’m glad your parents are there to comfort you now, and I hope the time until your husband comes home passes as quickly as it can. Take care!

  4. EmHart August 1, 2012 at 1:01 pm #

    48 hours is forever when you are waiting for a hug, I know. It is nowhere near as good, but a virtual hug from me is heading your way right now. I am so very sorry you are facing this sadness my friend.

  5. eighteenyears August 1, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

    I’m so, so sorry. I can only tell you that the terrible feeling you have now will abate, somewhat, and I hope your hug comes as early as it can.

  6. Her Royal Fabulousness August 1, 2012 at 7:06 pm #

    Shit. I am so, so sorry. When my first IVF failed I sobbed for 3 days. Do whatever you need to do to feel better right now. Indulge, weep, watch bad TV, whatever you need. Sending you big hugs.

  7. Joanna August 1, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

    I am so very sorry dear friend. I completely understand your disappointment and frustration. Hug and love on your hubs and take care of yourself and know that we are all here for you to support you through this. Sending big hugs and lots of love and support. Remember, you are much stronger than you think. xxxx

  8. amy August 2, 2012 at 12:33 am #

    I just stumbled on your blog from another, you know how it goes. I’ve only just read your first post, but had to stop and comment. I am so so sorry for you!! I cannot imagine what you are going through. I’m just beginning the IVF process and it’s scary. Most def take time for yourself, and stay strong 🙂 I’m going back to read and catch up 🙂

  9. talesofacautiousoptimist August 2, 2012 at 12:55 am #

    I am SO SO sorry! And I know how much it sucks not to be able to hug your husband right now and be able to grieve together. Just know that you are not alone in all of this. Take the time you need to feel it all, but know that you are strong and will get through this. HUGS!!!

  10. DandelionBreeze August 2, 2012 at 4:36 am #

    Oh hun…. I’m so so sorry to hear your news 😦 I only just realized and feel so sad for you. I know what you mean when you say that everything going perfectly then a BFN is so baffling… I’m coming to realize more and more that there’s no sense or fairness in this path. My heart goes out to you xoxo

  11. Aly (@breathegently) August 2, 2012 at 6:08 am #

    Sending you so much love. I’m so sad that you’re dealing with it by yourself & I hope hubs is home soon to give you some comfort. Lots of love from Sydney town. xx

  12. Aplatanada August 4, 2012 at 12:54 am #

    Oh Shelley, I am so sorry you had to deal with that at all, but especially without your DH by your side. Still sending you lots of love.

  13. Emily @ablanket2keep August 4, 2012 at 3:04 am #

    Hope you spent lots of time with your Hubby. Hoping you find some peace.

  14. Alicia August 6, 2012 at 7:41 pm #

    I am so so so sad to read this. Hugs.

  15. Theresa August 8, 2012 at 1:29 am #

    We are about to go forward with our first IVF. A year ago my husband had very little sperm and our doc told us IVF was the only way. I dutifully waited while my husband tried hormone replacements. Lo and behold, his count went up. We were back in the game, I thought. We decided to do an IUI. My body responded well to the meds, and then bam – all my follicles are growing on my blocked side and my cycle was canceled. I’m not trying to say this is the same as a failed IVF cycle, just that I understand how disappointing it is to get your hopes up when all finally seems to be going well, only to feel like the rug got pulled out from under you.
    HUGS.

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