Breakdown.

12 Jul

Well, it happened. I suppose it was bound to at some point. I broke down. At work no less, the place where you’re supposed to put your personal life aside and hide your emotions.

I’ve never exactly been the picture of emotional stability. Words that you could have associated with me in the past: eating disorder, depression, general anxiety, self-harm, suicidal thoughts. I’ve found these demons off and on for many years. I think I’ve finally, mostly, learned how to live with them but there is no doubt that I have a dark side (my very own dark passenger, for any Dexter fans out there). This dark thing that lives inside my brain tells me terrible, awful things. Such bad, scary things that I’m too afraid to post them here.

Add on: IVF. Hormones. Husband out of town all week. Exhaustion (physical and emotional). And the reemergence of my persistent ear/jaw pain that’s been plaguing me for the past six weeks or so, now accompanied by a water sound in my ear for the past two nights. Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly feeling totally stable today when I walked into work. Hadn’t been here ten minutes before a co-worker verbally attacked me in the kitchen over a complete non-issue, accusing me of violating some company policy that (I have now verified) does not exist.

This blog is not anonymous enough for me to say any more than that publicly, but needless to say, I almost immediately broke down completely after that. And as I was bawling my eyes out in the bathroom, I realized that I have been trying SO hard, all week, to be strong. To pretend like I can handle it all. Work, shots, doctors and acupuncture and monitoring appointments, animal care, house upkeep. All by myself. I was in survival mode. I wasn’t letting myself see how difficult this really has been because I didn’t have a choice but to go through it and why go through it all, woe is me?

But finally there in the bathroom, I let myself acknowledge that this hasn’t been easy. That this is a lot of stress and pressure to be under and it’s okay to cry, okay to be weak and vulnerable, okay to not have everything under control for awhile.

Not that I’m glad this had to happen for me to realize that. I absolutely HATE crying at work. It’s one of my least favorite things ever. Here’s hoping that was my low point and it’s only up from here. Blah.

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8 Responses to “Breakdown.”

  1. Jenn July 12, 2012 at 5:19 pm #

    Oh Shelley, crying at work is the WORST! But it’s not the end of the world and it sounds like it was exactly the release that you needed. Now I am going to use your own words against you 🙂 In my lost post, you commented “You’ve already overcome so much in your life and you’re a much stronger person for it.” The same seems to be true for you, as well!! We all have demons and, as I am learning, they are nothing to be ashamed of, but rather badges of courage–proof that we were strong enough to make it to the other side and proof that we are capable of doing it again. If you ever need to talk, please know that I am always happy to listen. xo

  2. Cristy July 12, 2012 at 5:20 pm #

    Sending you lots and lots of love and an equal number of hugs. You’re in the middle of a VERY hard procedure and the attack sounds incredibly cruel. So, be good to yourself today. And know you’re not alone.

  3. storkchaser July 12, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

    I’m so sorry your breakdown happened at work, but i’m glad you found release. This is such a stressful process and the hormones we take only amplify our anxiety. Once I barely had time to get into the stair well and then sneak down to my car before the tears and gut wrenching sobs began. Giving you big hugs!!!

  4. Katie July 12, 2012 at 5:40 pm #

    Oh I agree, crying at works the pits…but the actual breakdown was probably good for you to get it all out. I swear I have one a cycle, when the stress of everything comes out in a waterfall of tears. Hang in there…

  5. Alicia July 12, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

    I feel your pain. Over the past few months, I have cried at work way more than I’m proud to admit. And pretty much at random times in front of random (sometimes very important) people. Good times. I’ve actually considered (jokingly) to put my fertility updates in our weekly email newsletters… Would eliminate a lot of annoying questions, for sure.

    Hang in there. You’re doing great! You’re almost there! This is not an easy process and you’re treading through it with your head clearly above water. Keep it up!!!!

  6. sass July 12, 2012 at 8:05 pm #

    ** hugs ** That sounds like an awful day. I hope that tomorrow is a little bit brighter.

    Have you seen a doctor about your ear pain? (As a sufferer of chronic ear infections for most of my life, I know how terrible that can be.)

    I am thinking of you…

  7. Lindsay July 13, 2012 at 9:01 pm #

    I wold guess multiple breakdowns are common!! It’s hard to always keep a stiff upper lip all the time and try and keep it all together. You are so close, I can’t believe it!! This will all be behind you soon, you can do it!!!!

  8. dopingforbaby July 13, 2012 at 10:45 pm #

    My best breakdown last cycle was at work. There’s something about the workplace that just begs for some crying. Mix in all the IVF drugs and stress, and you can’t underestimate the toll the entire process is taking on you. Be good to yourself. Focus on those growing follicles. Right now, nothing else matters. And that stinky gal at work, poop on her!

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