Waiting for period

1 Jul

It’s always a strange sensation for an infertile, to actually be anxiously, impatiently, hopefully awaiting the arrival of her period. It goes against the very laws of our existence. An existence that’s devoted to achieving one singular goal: getting pregnant. Which of course, implies the absence of a period.

But sometimes, we need it to come, so that we can get pregnant. So that we can move on to things that give us a better chance to reaching that ever elusive goal.

For me, this is a goal that has nearly eluded me, save for two early losses, for more than two whole years. Over two years. Two years is a long time. It’s time enough for others to have not one, but two babies. Time enough to watch the leaves change color and then drop and then grow again and thrive, and then change color and then drop and then grow again and thrive, and then change color and drop again.

We live in a cyclical world. Nature, at her very core, is cycles. This can be a cruel fact for an infertile. We are rocks, where the whole world is rushing and swirling around us. Going in, going out. We are static. We are waiting.

We are rocks and we are strong but we long to rush and swirl with everyone else. We live our lives, trudging from one wait to another. We’re waiting to ovulate, then we’re waiting to test. Then we’re waiting for our period. Waiting for the RE’s office to call. Or we’re waiting to start an assisted cycle. Or we’re waiting to start Lupron, waiting for our baseline, waiting for our retrieval, waiting for the call, waiting for the transfer, waiting to test. Waiting for period.

I’ll never grow used to waiting. I am, by nature, an impatient person.

I don’t know if it’s sad anymore. Is it sad, when someone doesn’t get what they want? Happens all the time, every day, around the world. Is it sad, when someone doesn’t get what they want, when what they wanted was something ingrained in the very fiber of their DNA? Perhaps, a little. I’ve stopped thinking it’s so sad. Some people have babies, some people don’t. Some people never own a pair of shoes. Some people go their whole lives without ever feeling full in their belly. Some people witness horrible crimes, some people experience those crimes. Some people have lots of money. Most people don’t. Life isn’t fair, but it’s been more than kind to me.

I’m starting to make my peace with, however this turns out, that will be my lot. The cards I’ve been dealt. I won’t rest until we’ve traveled every avenue. But if after we’ve done all that, our arms are still empty of children, I will find a way to peace and happiness.

But for now I wait. Wait for a period that must show before Thursday’s baseline.

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6 Responses to “Waiting for period”

  1. Alicia July 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm #

    I don’t know if it ever gets easier. The waiting is excruciating. You’ve painted such an accurate picture of how much we wait and what we are always waiting for – that elusive pregnancy.

    I can relate with how you feel about not always getting what you want and that there are people in this world with much worse lots than our own, or so it seems. But you know what? At the end of the day, this is just as stressful. I’ve read that infertile women have as much stress as cancer patients. But we have it every month of our child-bearing years. It never goes away.

    I admire your acceptance of your fate. This is something that I am having a hard time coming to terms with myself.

    • Shelley July 1, 2012 at 8:44 pm #

      It’s true that we have a great deal of stress and I didn’t mean to diminish that. In some ways it’s even harder, because it’s not very well understood or even respected as a disease. Telling someone you’re dealing with infertility is very different from telling them you’re dealing with cancer. And it’s true, try as I might, I doubt I’ll ever be able to make it go away completely. But I just want to remind myself that there’s peace available to me, whatever happens here. 🙂

  2. Cristy July 1, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

    “I don’t know if it’s sad anymore. Is it sad, when someone doesn’t get what they want?”
    This is something I struggle with daily. Yes, it’s true: no one gets everything they desire in this life. But I’m going to argue that living with infertility and loss is actually something that is life-changing. Being able to reproduce is integrated within us biologically. 90% of our brain is gear towards sex and reproduction. Yes, there are people out there who are suffering more (starvation, abuse, etc), but infertility isn’t trivial. If it was, it wouldn’t impact us so deeply and be so life changing.

    As strange as this sounds, I’m hoping AF finds you very soon. Hugs lady.

    • Shelley July 1, 2012 at 8:49 pm #

      It undoubtedly is life changing and in no way trivial, I didn’t mean to suggest that. I’m not the same person I was two years ago, largely due to infertility. I think it’s cruel that infertility has to exist at all, given our biological programming to reproduce. I just mean that everyone has different sufferings to bear in this life, no one escapes that. And infertility is mine (and yours). As much as it sucks, I need to move away from the anger and the “why me’s.” It doesn’t matter why me. It is me. And it’s a lot of other people. I’m not trying to sound dismissive, more just convey a place I want to reach of, it is what it is. I wouldn’t choose it, I don’t like it, but I accept it.

  3. Lisa July 2, 2012 at 2:14 am #

    You nailed it. Infertility is just one big waiting game. And it sucks. I hope you see AF soon!

  4. Aly (@breathegently) July 3, 2012 at 12:56 am #

    I hate waiting, so much! 😦

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