Tidepools

29 Jun

Well, it’s been an interesting week here as my baseline moves ever closer (next Thursday – eeps!). The Lupron finally started to kick in around Monday. I started feeling flush and on the verge of a headache for a few hours each day. Really though, it hasn’t been too bad in terms of the physical symptoms and I’m grateful.

My positivity level, I must admit, has waned slightly. I’m not feeling quite as on top of the world as I had been. I can’t really point to exactly why though, that’s the thing. But for the past few days, things have been feeling just a bit heavier. The world has had a slightly blue tint to it.

But, I’m no stranger to depression and if these feelings are indeed connected to the Lupron, it’s much different than my own depressions. Those feel much more black, much heavier, much more sinister. I often feel as though I have a darkness always lurking in the corners of my brain, always just waiting to come out. I almost always have what it takes to keep it at bay. Only in times of severe distress does it step into the light.  I’ve made my peace with it though.

This is just a simple blueness, that washes over me from time to time. Thoughts that pop up at the oddest times, while I’m washing my hands maybe, that say “you’re never going to get pregnant.” I thought I had banished those thoughts but they manage to bubble up sometimes I suppose.

I haven’t been feeling as motivated to do my Circle+Bloom tracks lately. I take my Lupron, I take my prenatals, and then I kind of try to forget that I’m an infertile and am using things like science and technology to make a baby. I feel like I need to “get it together” for next week but mostly I just want to take a nap and have someone wake me up when things start happening.

Okay, there is one thing I can point to that has somewhat deflated my bubble. I talked to my RE’s office this week. I called them because I wasn’t understanding why, if they estimated I’d get my period by June 30th or July 1st, why we weren’t starting until July 5th. She (the nurse) explained that it wasn’t like IUI where we had to start on CD2. All that matters is that I get a period, and then from there we can start any time after. So that was all fine and good, but then I started asking about what my timeline will be, if all goes well. She estimated a July 16th retrieval with the transfer on the 19th.

This bummed me out. I was really hoping to do a 5 day transfer. I know it’s not necessarily a bad thing to do a 3 day but I was surprised to hear her assuming that would be the case. She said you have to meet really specific criteria to qualify for a 5 day. She said, “yeah, if you have 20 eggs, sure we’ll do the 5 day. But most people don’t have 20 eggs.”

And to be honest, I kind of thought I’d be one to have 20 eggs. I mean, I responded so well to the drugs during my IUI cycles! So then she explained how the Lupron can change everything. How some people respond great to just the FSH but when you add Lupron, they only get a few eggs. This made me even more bummed out. I also asked what dosage Dr. B would be starting me on and she estimated only around 112.5, maybe 150. What! I thought it would have been more. I thought we were trying to get as many eggs as possible? Well, we are. But they also have to control E2 levels. Last time, mine go pretty high with only 5 eggs. Damn those E2 levels! They want lots of eggs but they also want to be safe.

So that was that. Honestly, it wasn’t a bad conversation. It was an honest conversation and I appreciate that. But here’s how my emotional brain works, “Well, if we’re only doing a 3 day then I probably won’t get pregnant and this whole thing is for nothing so what’s the point.” I know, logically, that this isn’t the case. I know that. Please don’t think I’m knocking on 3 day transfer. I know your mother’s brother’s daughter’s niece probably did a 3 day and got totally pregs.  I know it can work, if it even is a 3 day. Now it’s just a matter of finding that source of strength and positivity again.

I read a comment somewhere on some blog this week, from another blogger who is also starting IVF. She said something to the effect of “I’m just going to relax and let the whole process unfold as it will.” I so admire that attitude! I’m trying to adopt it as my motto. I’ve become so wrapped up in getting ready that I’m letting my worryful self get caught up in the little shallow tidepools of my brain. Here’s one tidepool all about how it’s going to work with taking days off from work. Here’s another that’s concerned with how many eggs we’ll get and what kind of transfer we’ll do. Here’s another that’s all caught up in the idea that it might not work at all.

I’ve learned through therapy over the years to love and appreciate my many worries. They do serve a purpose for me. But I also need to appreciate them from a distance, and not let them suck me down into their jittery world.

All will be well. All will be well.

Just here. Just now. Just this.

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10 Responses to “Tidepools”

  1. DandelionBreeze June 29, 2012 at 8:46 pm #

    It so hard to let this process just be… I’ve tried for the whole 18 months that we’ve been doing IVF ! I find the staff’s attitudes to be so insensitive sometimes… sorry that you had to deal with a phone call like that – you are definitively a chance to have 20 eggs :)) Thinking of you and cheering you on for this cycle xoxo

    • Shelley July 1, 2012 at 8:50 pm #

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who has had this experience with my clinic staff! It really is crazy how desensitized they get. Thanks for believing in my eggs! 😉

  2. Katie June 30, 2012 at 1:21 am #

    I am sure some days you will be so doubtful, but I hope some days you can breathe a little easier too and let some hope slip in that you will be the one with 20 eggs, hell make it an even two dozen!

    • Shelley July 1, 2012 at 8:51 pm #

      YES! Two dozen would be divine. 🙂

  3. Alicia June 30, 2012 at 4:41 am #

    I wish I was one of those “what will be will be” type people…. I have such a hard time letting everything go and just accepting that what is about to happen is out of my hands.

    I wanted to point out that I personally hate talking to my clinic – nothing against them or the nurses or the doctors… they’re honestly so great. But they’re real. They are never painting a really fantastically optimistic picture that I sometimes work into my brain. They give me the facts and the realities of my situation, which I appreciate, like you, but at the same time I wish I could just stay in my bubble of positivity (which is a rare to find bubble, so when I’m in it, I don’t want it to be popped!).

    Shelley – I feel your pain. So very acutely. I don’t consider myself to be a terribly depressed person, but this process has some pretty deep lows that I wish didn’t exist. Consider yourself not alone. I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all been there.

    K – one question for you though. What is the difference b/t a 3 day and a 5 day transfer? I didn’t even think about this stuff!

    • Shelley July 1, 2012 at 8:54 pm #

      So glad you have similar experiences with your staff! A five day transfer (5dt) is considered better because the embryologist has more time to see how the embryos are developing and can therefore pick better ones. How they look at three days is not how they look at five. But some say it’s better to get them back in their “natural habitat” as soon as possible, and that the bigger five-day embryos run a bigger risk of damage during transfer. The three day transfers (3dt) are not necessarily bad, I’ve just personally observer more success with the five day, and it makes more sense to me logically!

  4. Lisa July 1, 2012 at 4:39 am #

    Maybe they think it’s better to set your expectations low so they can surprise you later with great results. I hope you prove their predictions wrong! By the way, I’d say the Lupron is probably responsible for some of your funk. The rest is just normal anxiety. IVF is such a rollercoaster. Hang in there!

    • Shelley July 1, 2012 at 8:55 pm #

      I sure hope that’s the case, and you’re probably right re: the Lupron. Hopefully AF shows soon so I can start stims and combat these side effects.

  5. Cristy July 1, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

    Lady, I’m so sorry about the conversation with the nurse. Honestly, i don’t understand their thinking. Seriously, a day 5 transfer is based on number of eggs retrieved?!?! Not on embryo quality?!? Honestly, I don’t think she really has a clue and that it will be a matter of waiting.

    You know my story with Lupron. Everything you’re feeling (the darkness, despair, the insane crying), I blame on the Lupron. This drug causes so many crazy side-effects and is a hard one. Because of this, now is the time for intervention. Schedule time to spend with friends, plan for fun activities with DH and your lovely puppy. My escape came in the form of bubble baths and chick-flicks. What ever it takes. I promise you that once you start the stims, you will feel better.

    Hang in there. And now that you’re not alone. Thinking of you and hoping with my whole heart for nothing but good news soon.

    • Shelley July 1, 2012 at 8:56 pm #

      I can’t wait to start stims. Now I just need AF to show! She’s playing hide and seek and I am not amused!!!

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