A hard conversation

27 May

I’ve been a bad IF blogger lately. All week I was away in New York for business. Not the best week to sign up for ICLW, I know! I’m so bad.  I completely forgot when I signed up. Sigh.

In other lame news, AF is still MIA. I’m so frustrated with her! I was supposed to be starting Lupron soon. As it stands now, even if she comes tomorrow, I’m still 21 days away from even that. And my guess? She’s not coming tomorrow. We’re out of state now for the long weekend but I’m going to insist on bloodwork and possibly an ultrasound as soon as I get back. Bloodwork to see WTF is going on and if we can jumpstart AF. Ultrasound because I’ve had these off and on nagging pangs in my right ovary and I want to make sure there’s not some monster cyst setting up camp there.

Other than that, my mind has been wandering toward adoption a lot lately. I just feel drawn to it, and up until this morning, I couldn’t really explain why. But then, lying in the guest room in my parent’s house this morning, DH and I engaged in one of the hardest conversations we’ve had yet since dealing with IF. I’m not sure why, but I rolled over this morning and just kind of blurted out, “I want to adopt.”

He waited a painfully long time before finally whispering back, “Right now?” Turns out, he isn’t so sure he wants to adopt at all, and he certainly doesn’t want to until we’ve exhausted IVF. Which is a perfectly fine feeling to have, and I had an inkling that he felt this way for sure, but this time it was harder to hear. It set me off crying and, after a lot of back and forth, finally I realized why.

I have very little faith that IVF will result in a take home baby for us. I’ve been wrestling with this on a semi-conscious level ever since I found out that was our next option. I want so desperately to be positive. I look at all those couples much older than me who struggle to conceive and struggle with miscarriage for a long time before IVF finally helps them. But I just have this hunch that whatever is causing us to have so much trouble conceiving and whatever is causing us to have so much trouble keeping pregnancies, is connected. It seems to me we’re just too young to not be having something more serious going on. Something genetic or perhaps something in the way our stuff combines, or doesn’t combine, is effed up.

And so, if IVF isn’t going to work, I have to know that there’s a Plan B (or I guess at this point, it’s really a Plan C, or a Plan F, depending on your definition of plans). I have to have my baby and I no longer care where she comes from (in my mind, she’s a she for some reason?). I don’t care what she looks like, what color her skin is, what shape her eyes are or what texture her hair is. I don’t care if she looks absolutely nothing like me. I just need someone to hand me a little person and say, this perfect child right here is YOURS to love and to raise.

One area where DH and I really differ is, he hasn’t let go of that desire to see his own genetic material furthered in another human being. And if he can have biological children, he sees no need to adopt. I don’t want to keep turning adoption into this “last resort” because if we do end up permanently vacationing at said last resort? I don’t want it to feel that way. And I’m scared of how long it takes and scared of not even beginning the process until after cycle upon failed IVF cycle (could mean at least another year of failure and waiting before even starting what I’ve heard takes at least two years). Unlike him, I’d be happy to have a blended family of both biological and adopted children. I can’t see any reason why not to pursue both paths simultaneously. Bottom line? I want my family. I’m sick of waiting. I want my family.

But we differ. And I guess that’s okay. I mean, it has to be. The way the conversation ended, I told him that I needed him to at least tell me that adoption is not off the table for the future, and he promised as much. He also asked me to try to be more positive about IVF and I told him I would try.

So here we are. We are here.



9 Responses to “A hard conversation”

  1. kate May 27, 2012 at 2:14 am #

    Hi Shelley, I’ve had the same conversation with my husband. And after talking about it for a long time we realized that adoption wasn’t the next step for us. Instead we looked into using donor eggs and surrogacy. After a long conversation with a specialist in third party reproduction we decided to try a donor egg cycle. And it worked! I’m now 4 and a half weeks pregnant. I know this is a very personal decision and it’s not for everyone but it may be something to consider. Anyway I hope that this coming cycle is the one and you get that baby you’re dreaming of. Sending you lots of positive vibes.

  2. Cristy May 27, 2012 at 5:49 pm #

    I think the conversation you had with DH is a timely one. Too often, couples go into treatment assuming that that one procedure will result in a baby. When it doesn’t, this is the period where turmoil and fights can erupt. Like most things in life, having a plan B (and C and D) can make this process go more smoothly, as you both have had an opportunity to discuss your priorities, limits and map out your route. Is it an easy conversation: no. It can be down-right scary. But I believe it’s still a necessary one.

    I too was of the mindset that if we could have our own children there was no reason to adopt when I first met Grey. What changed that as seeing adoption in action, observing the love that exists in these families. Even now, as we are preparing to begin this journey, I’m more and more amazed with the parents that expand there families through this path and have gained such respect for the birthparents. In short, if this is something you want, even if treatments work, keep having the discussion with your DH. Exposure is incredibly helpful too.

    Hang in there, hon. I’m frustrated for you that AF is SO delayed. But I have hope for this upcoming cycle. And hope for the future.

  3. Daryl May 28, 2012 at 4:22 pm #

    Hi from ICLW. This conversation sounds so familiar. My hubby and I have had many similar ones. If we could, I’d start the adoption process right this second, but for many reasons, that just isn’t going to happen. And my hubby’s the same way about wanting to at least try for biological children before going the adoption route. But, like you, I don’t see why we can’t do both simultaneously. For us, it’s a matter of career paths and not knowing where we’ll even live in a few months, but in my heart, I know we’ll adopt at least one child in the future. Best of luck with your upcoming IVF!

  4. Aplatanada May 28, 2012 at 4:47 pm #

    Even if you aren’t on the same page, it’s great that you got the conversation started. For me the hardest part about all of this is the wait. We want our families now, and it’s so hard to have to wait with no certainty.

  5. glitterandrainbows1 May 28, 2012 at 7:37 pm #

    Here from ICLW. I’m sure that was a really hard conversation, but it is really great that you were able to have it. This infertility stuff has a way of keeping us from connecting, and in my experience it is so hard to get those types of conversations started that I just keep putting them off. Good luck with creating your family, no matter how you end up doing it.

  6. DandelionBreeze May 29, 2012 at 12:48 am #

    Such a tough one… but always good to think of options and allow time to talk more about it. Thinking of you and hope AF turns up soon xoxo

  7. Joanna May 29, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

    My husband have also been having similar conversations. It never hurts to bring up issues for both partners to mull over. It doesn’t mean that because you are talking about it means you have to make a decision immediately. My husband are in a similar boat, I want to know we have adoption still on the table and he wants to assume our next procedure will work. It’s really all about compromise, and faith. Faith in yourself, in each other, and in what decisions you make. I’m thinking of the two of you and sending much love xxx

    • Gina May 29, 2012 at 7:03 pm #

      I don’t know what it is. It seems to be common that our husbands are more optimistic in assuming the next procedure/treatment will work, whereas us women have little or no faith. I just had a similar conversation with DH last night. I have little faith that our 3rd injectable IUI will work. I know I’m a pessimist but it just seems like it will take a miracle at this point. I feel like I’m just going through the motions just to please him and to say to myself that I did my obligatory 3 tries. Like you, I guess that’s ok too, because it has to be. We can only try, right? Lots of hugs to you and I pray for miracles for all of us.

  8. Alissa June 2, 2012 at 1:46 am #

    This is such a hard conversation to have and I am glad to opened the door. I know how it feels to wonder (after a loss) if you maybe should just skip putting yourself through the physical and emotional wringer. I have a feeling that men especially have it ingrained in them to want biology. I know my husband feels that way. And that is okay, but it makes the journey hard on the women who just wanted to be a mother. I think having a plan and knowing your limits is important. You will have to compromise in your plan. I wish you luck and have hope that you will be parents.

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