On waiting and weight.

8 May

I am so impatient sometimes, it’s ridiculous. Actually, I always have been, with most everything in life. I hate waiting. I hate wasting time. And infertility has brought out the worst of this quality in me.

I literally can’t wait for this IVF cycle to start. I’m getting obsessive about it. We’ll begin Lupron on CD21 of my next cycle but that feels like a lifetime away. First of all, I have to wait for my period, which – where is she? I don’t think she got the memo to stop by. We messed with everything so badly this cycle. Forcing my poor ovaries to grow five eggs and then abandoning them to burst and die. I think she’s going to play hide and seek just to spite me.

And then I get mad at myself because I realize how lucky I am just to be able to say we’re starting IVF next cycle. Lucky that life events aren’t making us wait a few months. Lucky that my body is physically able to move forward, as far as we know. Lucky most especially that I live in a state where we have IVF coverage. Otherwise, forget it. We couldn’t dream of affording even one IUI cycle, let alone IVF.

So every time my brain goes into impatient territory now, I’m going to try to coax it back to normal by reminding myself of how lucky we are in so many ways. And when that doesn’t work, I’m hoping to channel all that impatient energy into exercise.

I’m so sick of my infertility weight. My miscarriage and chemical pregnancy weight. My depression weight. It’s become too much to bear. I just had to go up another jean size a couple weeks ago. It makes everything somehow so much worse. I tell myself sometimes, this all wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to be fat too. Of course I don’t HAVE to be fat but it’s hard.

Here’s what a typical TTC cycle is like for an infertile:

Week one: AF is here. You feel pretty crappy, physically and emotionally. You’re so tired of trying, tired of another failed cycle. You hit snooze as long as possible in the morning and then come home and crash on the couch at night.

Week two: Time to rally and get into the routine of having sex every other day. Which is hard for lots of reasons, including the fact that all this newfound infertility weight makes you feel the opposite of sexy. It’s such an effort that maybe you work out, maybe you don’t. But you better do it this week because…

Weeks three and four: The dreaded two week wait. Wherein you may or may not be pregnant. Just in case it’s your exercise routine that’s been keeping you from getting knocked up, you “take it easy” on the workouts or maybe probably just skip them, just in case, just to be safe.

Then it starts all over again. Or at least that has all been my experience. It’s even harder during an ART cycle because during week 2, my one work out week, I’m stimming and going in for check up appointments at the crack of dawn a few mornings a week, so it’s hard to work in gym time too.

As a result, I’m up 20 lbs. since my wedding day nearly three years ago. SIGH. So in a way, there is a little part of me that’s glad for this little break before IVF. I’ve told myself I’m going to use it to get back to the gym, and maybe shed a few of these pounds I’ve been carrying around. Of course I know I can’t lose all twenty, or even ten, or even maybe five. But if I could just lose a few, I think I’d feel so much better going into IVF.

We joined a new gym recently so I’ve been going as much as I can push myself to go without making myself crazy. (That’s a whole other story for a different day.) In the past two weeks, I’ve gone swimming four times, done one Zumba class, one yoga class, and one regular workout on the elliptical and treadmill. I’m pretty proud of that! Hopefully I can keep it up and arrive at IVF’s door a little slimmer, a little happier and a little more confident.

That should do the trick, right?

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9 Responses to “On waiting and weight.”

  1. kate May 8, 2012 at 4:16 am #

    Ugh! I’m in the same situation! I look at myself in the mirror and curse myself for letting it happen. I’ve tried to rally a few times in the last 2 and a half years but it never seems to last long enough to make any difference. Right now my thought is, “if I just get pregnant then i won’t mind being fat.”

  2. Cristy May 8, 2012 at 6:57 am #

    In the same boat. All I want is this limbo to end. Hang in there and I hope the new gym membership works out for both you and Hubs!

  3. sass May 8, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    I haven’t yet met the lucky lady that doesn’t gain weight with each cycle. This. Is. So. Hard.

    But yes, swimming, Zumba, yoga and the gym should definitely do the trick! Good job!

    I’m a little envious actually (in a good way). Where can I find some of your motivation? 🙂

  4. Katie May 8, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    I could have written this post. In fact, I have one similar in my drafts. I am up about 15 lbs from all the miscarriages. I just can’t seem to get rid of it and my workouts totally slack during the 2ww. I never want to “knock anything loose that might be implanting”. ha! After my horrid appt. yesterday I had about a 4 mile run and felt like a million bucks – now only if we could make time go a little faster here 🙂

  5. Jenn May 8, 2012 at 9:05 pm #

    Ugh, I know exactly what you mean. I’ve only taken the fertility drugs for two months now but the weight is finally catching up and clinging to my midsection–a place that has never been a problem area until now. I really hope exercising and eating well can take it off. Like you, I want to be in the best shape I can be in when I get pregnant. Good luck!!

  6. Alissa May 8, 2012 at 11:27 pm #

    You read my mind. I have a whole draft of a post about IF and weight. It’s been a real problem that I can’t seem to rectify. I can’t believe how hard the treatments are on our bodies.

  7. Her Royal Fabulousness May 9, 2012 at 12:44 am #

    Thanks for commenting on my blog! I live in Boston as well. What town are you in? We’re in Belmont. As for TTC weight – I hear ya girl. I used to be a gym rat and now I just can’t make myself do it. Good luck on your upcoming IVF! Be kind to yourself…it’s a tough process.

  8. Joanna May 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

    Kudos to you for working out! And congrats to living in an area that helps with IVF! That is amazing! I do not, but we want to try to figure out a way to afford it. Maybe sell a body part?? Just kidding!!! I hear ya on the infertility weight gain, but hang in there girl!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. May’s IComLeavWe Welcome! « tales from the waiting room - May 21, 2012

    […] She still hasn’t. I’m on CD40. ISN’T THIS THE MOST EXCITING BLOG, EVER!? At first I welcomed the wait as a chance to relax a little before launching into IVF, and to get in a little better shape, but […]

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