Update

1 May

So, here’s where I’m at. I talked to my RE himself today. It’s kind of blurry now but he told me that the bleeding was caused by my follicles reabsorbing, something about swollen ovaries and cysts bursting and that the pain would go away.

I told him I had been charting and hadn’t seen an indication that I ovulated. He said that was because I didn’t have a trigger shot and then made it seem like I wouldn’t be ovulating at all the cycle. This was very confusing to me but I accepted it. I asked if I would have a period in that case. He said I would but it wouldn’t be normal. Okay.

He told us to come in on Wednesday to sit down and map out a plan for how we’re going to get me pregnant (IVF, I presume?). I got off the phone feeling a little silly for even thinking we could “try” this cycle since it sounded like I was never destined to release those eggs I had grown.

But then a few hours later the nurse called. I guess she didn’t get the memo that I had spoken to Dr. B. Now, she gave me the indication that this bleeding WAS being caused by ovulation. I told her that Dr. B had made it seem like I wasn’t ovulating but she said that with as many eggs as I had, it would be pretty impossible NOT to.

Okay.. wha? I am so confused now. Was Dr. B lying? Did he not want to tell me he suspected I was ovulating so that I didn’t run out and grab DH to try on our own? Or does he really not believe I could have ovulated? But if that is the case, why did he keep telling us not to have sex this past week? Is the nurse right? Is this ovulation bleeding? Could it, despite the crazy temps, against all possibly odds, be implantation bleeding? ARGH, I hate the not knowing!

The bleeding is tapering off now. The blood was pink and red last night and earlier today, now it is brownish black. It has definitely been more than spotting. Enough to fill up a few pantyliners today. I’m not in pain but I’d definitely say I’m still “feeling” my ovaries.

I feel bad for my body. I feel like I let Western medicine completely mess with it this cycle, but we didn’t even finish what we started and that left my lady parts very confused. I think I just want this weird, confusing cancelled cycle to resolve so I can move onto whatever is next.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the wedding this weekend, I observed our family friend who is only a few years older than me but who has four stunningly gorgeous children (she herself is possibly one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen). The littlest one just turned one and she is so precious. I made a joke at one point about stealing her and DH sort of scolded me for saying so. And then I got all teary because I realized that having her would do it for me. Having almost any baby to call my own would do it for me. I just want my baby.

Then later at the wedding, I observed this same little one being held by her Daddy. He was feeding her little bits of food and I got teary all over again, watching a man be so loving and gentle with his tiny baby girl. DH was standing right beside me and I ached all over. I want that for him so badly. I want to witness that scene more that anything. But to have it be my husband. And my baby.

One day. I sincerely hope one day I will be so very blessed.

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7 Responses to “Update”

  1. DandelionBreeze May 1, 2012 at 4:10 am #

    Sorry that you got mixed messages… so hard when professionals don’t agree ! Hope things resolve soon and a smoother road is ahead for you xo

  2. sass May 1, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

    How frustrating to hear two different things! I wish IF came with a textbook, because I feel like I spend a lot of time not understanding what the doctor’s say. Or, I feel like I do when I’m at the office, but the next day I’m confused all over again.

    I hope that you will be blessed soon too. Take care!

  3. Joanna May 1, 2012 at 5:33 pm #

    I have been doing that a lot, watching other couples interact with their children and thinking “huh, will I ever have that?” I’m sorry you have to go through so much to have a baby. I am wishing and hoping a plan is made and you get your little miracle soon. xo

  4. Cristy May 1, 2012 at 5:54 pm #

    I’ll be honest: I don’t agree with your RE. If ovulation requires triggering, then NO WOMAN would ovulate. Still, I’m also at a loss for what’s happening. Your nurse’s explanation sound very probable, so who knows. Either way, I wish you luck at the meeting next week.

  5. Kate @ Infertile First Mom May 1, 2012 at 7:15 pm #

    So frustrating! Sounds like the doctor needs to hear about the conflicting reports you are getting so he can explain his reasoning. So sorry you are dealing with that uncertainty.

    I’ve watched parent/child interactions with a mixture of longing, jealousy, sadness, and a million other emotions. It’s so hard.

  6. Leslie May 2, 2012 at 3:28 am #

    Watching DH with babies is so hard for me, too. Catching a glimpse of what a great dad he will be makes the waiting even harder.

    Sorry that your body is going through so much! Hopefully the reward for this is all is coming soon.

  7. Alissa May 2, 2012 at 11:41 pm #

    Wow, that’s confusing. I would want that cycle over too! I know how you feel about wanting to see your husband holding your child. This is the one vision that ALWAYS makes me cry. More than any other. I will pray this next cycle is your last.

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