Down.

25 Apr

There wasn’t enough time this morning. My feet got me out of bed 15 minutes too late, nothing in my closet appealed to me, the dog didn’t want to take her pill, I had to eat breakfast in the car (a banana and a blueberry muffin Lara bar, both of which tasted strange to me), traffic was the usual nightmare, etc. etc. etc. Everything feels heavy. I hate the music that’s playing in our office today.

I’m getting my tattoo touched up tonight. And by touched up, I mean please god change it completely or magically remove it because how did it end up looking so jacked up. Oh I know, the “artist” was a dick nozzle who was too lazy or proud to re-place the stencil properly so it ended up looking like a muddied mess from which he was magically supposed to divine these two birds. These two little flying bird silhouettes behind my ear that were supposed to represent our two losses. And ironically, just like them, they’ve become this bitter pill to swallow. Something I have to accept even though it’s ugly.

Except I wanted them to be pretty and light, like they could never be in this life.

So there’s that. I’m nervous and anxious about going under the needle again. Terrified this new artist will somehow make them look worse. Though how they can possible look worse, I don’t know. And I hope to never find out.

My temp was still down this morning. Who knows what’s going on with all those pretty little eggs we had over the weekend. Maybe they’re rotten now. Maybe that’s what’s really got me down.

I hate charting, I hate temping, I hate how it dictates my mood for the rest of the day. And this is probably never going to happen for us. And if that’s true, I honestly don’t know what the purpose of me is.

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10 Responses to “Down.”

  1. Joanna April 25, 2012 at 3:20 pm #

    I am sorry for your bad day. I completely get it though. One bad event or late thing leads to a whole day of bad which only makes us think that everything will always be bad. I hope your tattoo is fixed properly and represents for you what it needs to. I think that’s a great idea, I have actually been toying with getting another one to commemorate my battle with endo. Hoping your day gets better soon. Hugs to you.

  2. Cristy April 25, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

    I think it’s something in the air. I’ve been feeling pretty low too. Spacey and low.

    I hope this new tattoo artist is able to fix the mess the last one made. Beyond sad. In the meantime, I’m thinking of you today and sending you lots of love. May we both have a better evening and rest of the week.

  3. Chanel April 26, 2012 at 12:05 am #

    I have that love/hate relationship with temping too. It can totally dictate your day but at the same time I can’t help but know. Take it easy and I hope your tattoo turns out better than you expect. xoxo

  4. Alissa April 26, 2012 at 1:24 am #

    I’m sorry you had such a hard time today. I have those days and it’s just hard to get through. I hope your tattoos turned out better and you are able to love them the way you were supposed to. Keep venting, that’s what we are for.

  5. DandelionBreeze April 26, 2012 at 4:44 am #

    Hang in there… I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling so down at the moment. Thinking of you and have nominated you for a One Lovely Blog award xoxo

  6. Jennifer April 26, 2012 at 10:17 pm #

    Hi from ICLW – sorry to hear today was not a great day. I hope your tattoo turns out better.

  7. danielletoendure April 26, 2012 at 10:30 pm #

    Hi from ICLW. Thank you for visiting my blog. I am so sorry you are having a rough day! : ( I hope the new tatoo artist does wonders! As for temping…I don’t do it anymore. I gave it up a few months ago…I feel like it made infertility just that much more consuming…and like you said the emotional roller coaster it can take you on can be a DISASTER. …but I know it serves it purposes well too. Good luck, big HUGS and hopes for a better day tomorrow!!!!

  8. Shauna April 27, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

    Sorry you had such a sucky day! I hope your tattoo came out better than expected and it turned the day around for you. (Ironically, I’m getting some bird silhouettes done on my shoulder this evening – crossing fingers that they don’t turn out looking like little blobs.)

  9. Kristin April 28, 2012 at 3:30 am #

    My temperature has me down today, too. SUCK.

  10. Katie April 30, 2012 at 1:03 am #

    Hope your feeling better. Those bad days are the worst. Hard to start your day out right when the first thing you have to do it stick your hand out and take your temp. Constant reminder to this ugly battle. Hang in there.
    Katie

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