Rogue

23 Apr

So. Yesterday we received the news that our second IUI cycle would have to be cancelled, due to excellent ovarian response. Yep. You read that right. Mama made one too many eggs. Thanks to everyone who stopped by from ICLW to commiserate. It’s been, well, a disappointing weekend to say the least.

Here’s the struggle: I’m not sure I agree with my doctor’s decision. Now. Did I go to medical school? No. Have I been practicing reproductive endocrinology for decades? Negative. But, I can have my feelings on the matter, and my feelings are based on the following:

1. After our first IUI (we went straight to injectable IUI with our RE), when we had a chemical pregnancy, we sat down with Dr. B for our WTF appointment afterwards, where he sat with my full records and charts and information in front of us and literally told me he was going to stimulate me harder to get more eggs because he believes there may be something genetically wrong with my eggs. He distinctly said, next time I’ll let you go longer and won’t be as afraid of the risk of multiples… because of the aforementioned suspected egg issue.

2. I can totally see how there could be an egg issue. With all our basic tests coming back normal, plus the two miscarriages, plus the 2+ years of rampant unprotected sex with no luck, well. It’s not illogical. And if there is an egg issue, I can also totally see his original reasoning why we’d want to try more eggs to get a better chance of finding a diamond in the rough. After all these years of trying unsuccessfully, what are the chances? I mean really, what are the chances of multiple multiples? It seems very, very low to me.

3. When he made the call, he was on a break from a conference in Arizona. I know this because at one point he mentioned my age, then he asked me if that was in fact my age. When I confirmed it was, he said, wow, that’s amazing, I’m at a conference in Arizona and I don’t have any of your charts in front of me and I remembered that. Okay so, he made this call without any of my charts in front of him. Granted, the nurse could have told him the basics when she called. Or she could have said we have a 20-something year old female with five mature eggs. What do you want to do?

4. Doctors always want to cover their asses. Amiright? Maybe, at least in part, this is something they have to say.

Okay, so all of this is to say… we’re going rogue. Don’t judge us but we’re continuing to try. DH changed his mind. I didn’t trigger or anything (that really felt like playing with fire), but we’re giving those pretty round follicles, however many of them do release on their own (I doubt it will be all of them, maybe only one or two), a fighting chance. I couldn’t not. How could you take an IF-er, dangle everything she’s been dying for right in front of her and ask her to resist it? It’s truly cruel to even ask.

So, that’s happening. I feel so bad saying it “out loud.” I’m not the type to go against authority figures. But like all of you, I really, really want to be a mother.

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13 Responses to “Rogue”

  1. sass April 23, 2012 at 11:01 am #

    I am keeping my fingers crossed that your cancelled IUI leads to a happy, healthy baby in the end. Take care!

    • Shelley April 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

      Thank you, Sass!!

  2. skins April 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

    This makes me very happy. When you announced that your IUI was cancelled, I really wanted to say “Go for it naturally! Who cares what the doc said!!!” But not having walked in your shoes, I couldn’t really make that determination for you, and I didn’t want to risk sounding unsupportive when I was actually totally, completely, over-the-top-for-you supportive.

    I think I would do the same thing. I cannot imagine not giving whatever eggs pop a chance. You have put yourself and your body through things to take a chance, and I would really really take it.

    Doctors don’t know everything. They are textbook educated, somewhat experienced advisers. But they are only advisers and their experience is still somewhat anecdotal, based on the paths their careers took and the cases that showed up on their doorstep. Not to mention, as you point out, they always have external influences and ulterior motives that can color their recommendations. They don’t live in your body. They haven’t lived your journey. They don’t have your woman’s wisdom. Their advice should be considered and weighed alongside all the other information that you have.

    I’m cheering for the swimmers and the eggies (boy, that sounds weird). I have much hope for you, even when you don’t dare allow yourself that much hope.

    • Shelley April 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

      I know I already emailed you Amy but just wanted to say thank you again for stopping by to lend your support on this one – really means a lot!

  3. Keisha April 23, 2012 at 9:44 pm #

    I don’t think I would have been able to just walk away either, Shelley. I understand why your doctor did it, but it would have killed me to ignore all of those follicles and just not try for a cycle. I don’t blame you for going rogue at all. Good luck.

    • Shelley April 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

      Thank you Keisha! I really respect your judgment so I’m glad to hear you say that. Hope all is well, lady! 🙂

  4. Katie April 24, 2012 at 12:12 am #

    I would do the same. In fact, my Doc warned me if this cycle fails, and she ups the meds..she may have to cancel the cycle if I get 3 or 4. Ummmm I don’t think so lady. Do you feel better making the decision? I can imagine so…
    Good luck and I’m a new follower 🙂
    Katie

    • Shelley April 25, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

      Ahh, I’m so glad to hear I’m not alone! I did feel better at first, then I got nervous when no one commented on this, but now I’m just feeling really disappointed in the fact that I haven’t O’d yet. Feels like this cycle is turning into a bust somehow anyways. :-/

  5. Hattie April 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

    Um…you should not feel bad about that. No way would I have been able to not try.

    And thanks for following me along, I’ll be following back!

    • Shelley April 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

      Thank you so much for your comment! I’m glad I’m not the one. 🙂

  6. Annissa April 26, 2012 at 12:02 am #

    I am a firm believer that doctors absolutely don’t know anything……… and I would say go for it on your own. I know I would! It would just feel like a waste of drugs, money and eggs if we didn’t try somehow (if I were in your shoes) ….

    I wish you luck!!

    Perusing your blog via ICLW 🙂 (#86)

    • Shelley April 26, 2012 at 1:18 am #

      Thanks for stopping by, Annissa and thank you for your support! It does indeed feel like such a waste – that’s what I was really struggling with!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. May’s IComLeavWe Welcome! « tales from the waiting room - May 21, 2012

    […] I was pretty devastated as everything had been going so well otherwise. So, we decided to go “rogue” and have sex on our own, even though my RE encouraged us not […]

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