Cycle update: CD10, cancelled

21 Apr

I was an overachiever in school. Some combination of competitiveness and a desire to please drove me to achieve a more than perfect grade point average throughout my school years. I don’t mind being challenged and I’ll always work my hardest to not only meet the requirements set but exceed them.

So you can imagine how someone like me takes the news that they’ve worked too hard. That they were TOO GOOD. That they should have dialed it back a little bit because THAT would have been the best. That would have been perfect. Less than perfect would have been perfect. It doesn’t compute for me.

We had another round of b/w and another u/s this morning. They saw six mature follicles, two on my left at 17mm, and four on my right at 16mm, two at 17mm, and one at 18mm. I was so happy! It seemed like good news and the nurse even said, I think we’ll have you trigger tonight and do your IUI on Monday.

After that we went out to breakfast and I called it a celebration. I thought the only thing that could have rained on my parade was if I had ovulated already (my temp was a bit up this morning). But the nurse just called and dropped a different bomb on us: they’re canceling our cycle. We have too many follicles. (My E2 was up around 1,700 and my LH is starting to surge but has not peaked yet.)

I tried to argue with her but she said I’d have to speak to my RE directly and that he would be calling me. In the five minutes we had, DH and I discussed selective reduction. How we’d be okay with that, we’d manage. Then Dr. B called me and said nuh uh, no way. He said this was an open and shut case of needing to cancel a cycle (he knows the rules because he helped make them).

He said this is not the best option for us, that we’ll need to do IVF. I respond too well to the meds. That I could potentially get pregnant with quints. That reducing down from four or five was too risky. He told me a story of a woman who got pregnant with six and ended up losing them all. I asked about my egg quality, the fact that he said there was a problem and that we’d need more eggs to help get around it. But he was adamant that this is too risky. We’re only losing a month and we’re battling our own impatience, he said.

He told us not to have sex for at least a week. This I struggle with. I know that triggering will mean releasing five+ eggs and that’s bad (supposedly. I still struggle with this, given our history, it seems impossible that I could release, fertilize and implant five at once). But I’m not sure I would release them all on my own. It kills me to think of losing out on those beautiful eggs I’ve worked so hard to make these past two weeks. One of those could be my child! I saw them on the monitor! How can I wash them away? But DH wants to follow doctors orders.

I’ve spent the last half hour bawling. I feel very low and raw. It’s just one set back after another for us, it seems. Feels like this is never going to happen. Even adoption, which I’ve been thinking a lot about recently, seems like an impossible hurdle. I can see now why people get forced to live child free, when everything else is so expensive and so hard.

I wish I had that in me but I’m compelled by this aching desire to be a mom.

—————————————————————————————————

To those of you here from ICLW, welcome. I’m sorry I couldn’t be greeting you with better news. I was so looking forward to kicking off my first ICLW and was planning to write a very different post today until this hit. More about me can be found in my timeline and on my about page. Thank you for stopping by.

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29 Responses to “Cycle update: CD10, cancelled”

  1. Joanna April 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm #

    Oh Shelley, I am so sorry. That is unbelievably frustrating. You have every right to be upset and cry as long as you need. I completely understand the disappointment of setbacks, and when things are thrown at you that you had not even planned for yet. It is also frustrating to hear that your only option is one you had not financially planned for yet either.
    I totally get the aching, it would be easier for us to decide to be childless if we didn’t feel the yearning deep down to be a mother. My thoughts are with you today and I am sending you huge hugs. Take care of yourself

    • Shelley April 22, 2012 at 12:04 am #

      Luckily we live in a state where we have some pretty decent IF coverage, at least for a few cycles. So at least financially it will be okay for now to try IVF. Still sucks though,

  2. Kate @ Infertile First Mom April 21, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

    So sorry you got this blow. Your cycle was cancelled for overachieving and mine was cancelled for underachieving. It’s so hard. Thinking of you.

  3. Cristy April 21, 2012 at 7:00 pm #

    Shit. This news breaks my heart. I’m so very sorry, Shelley. This is completely unfair. You and DH have worked so very hard just to get to this point and to have the rug pulled out from under you just makes it all the more painful.

    Do what you need to do. Scream, bitch, cry, you name it. Think about the next step later. For now, focus on healing.

    Holding you in my heart, my friend.

    • Shelley April 22, 2012 at 12:04 am #

      Thanks for allowing me to vent today. So nice to finally hear your voice! Now I wanna see your face. 😉

  4. Kristin April 21, 2012 at 8:22 pm #

    Hi Shelley, I’m here from ICLW. I’m so sorry about the cancelled cycle. Sending hope and peace your way.

    • Shelley April 22, 2012 at 12:05 am #

      Thanks for stopping by, Kristin – I’ve started following you as well!

  5. DandelionBreeze... previously NYMum April 21, 2012 at 9:50 pm #

    I’m so sorry that your cycle has been cancelled… heartbreaking too that it’s b/c of too many. Thinking of you and hoping your next step brings you closer to your dream xoxo

    • Shelley April 22, 2012 at 12:06 am #

      Thanks so much for the kind words. It is even more heartbreaking to think of all those perfectly beautiful eggs in there just ripe for the picking. So hard in fact, that we’ve gone a little rogue and decided to try a little bit on our own. I feel so scandalous saying that!

  6. TheStorkWhisperer April 21, 2012 at 10:27 pm #

    Here from ICLW. So sorry about your cancelled cycle. It seems strange that the doctor would cancel with that number of follies. I thought the whole point to injectables was to get a sufficient number. Very strange.

    • Shelley April 22, 2012 at 12:08 am #

      Thanks for stopping by! I’m relieved to hear someone say that, it seemed odd to me too. He told me he wanted to stim me harder this cycle to get more eggs. More eggs he got and he cancels. Sounds like he wanted just one more egg. IUI just seems to me like such an imprecise science. In that respect, I’m glad to give IVF a try.

  7. mickilicity April 21, 2012 at 11:10 pm #

    I’m also so sorry about the cancelled cycle and surprised they couldn’t convert you into an IVF cycle given the number of follicles! I admit I always hoped I would have that problem because my own RE always told us if we got converted from an IUI to an IVF you only get charged for an IUI and I always responded so well just on Clomid alone.

    I understand that ache. It’s why we keep going, even when at our lowest. Please take care of yourself this weekend.

    • Shelley April 22, 2012 at 12:09 am #

      I asked about converting. He said we could but he doesn’t think it’s a good idea because I wasn’t on Lupron first and my follies are all different sizes? He said we could do it but it wouldn’t be his first choice. He also pointed out that we only have a limited number of covered cycles and he wouldn’t want to waste one on something that he doesn’t feel has the best possible shot. I guess because it’s covered they couldn’t charge it as an IUI.

  8. sass April 22, 2012 at 12:17 am #

    Thank you for your comment today! I wish I was catching you at a better time. IF is so hard and a cancelled cycle is just terrible. It sounds like you have a lot of decisions ahead of you. Is there a chance you can try IUI again with a different drug? (We used letrozole for both IUIs.)

    Also, have you seen Lindsay @ Tiny Bits of Hope? (http://landpbabyjourney.blogspot.com/) She just completed an IUI, and if it wasn’t a success she may be facing IVF soon as well. She’s also a super responder.

    No matter what happens, I wish you lots of luck with your journey!

    • Shelley April 23, 2012 at 12:58 am #

      It sounds like he wants to go straight to IVF but we’ll know more at our next appointment. I recently started following Tiny Bits of Hope! Thanks for your kind words and taking the time to stop by.

  9. Her Royal Fabulousness April 22, 2012 at 1:13 am #

    This almost happened to me twice with my IUIs. I also over-responded for IUIs and IVF has been a better option (although that’s been a roller coaster too). I am so sorry – it is so disappointing. Big hugs.

    • Shelley April 23, 2012 at 1:01 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting! I know IVF is it’s own roller coaster but I’m hoping it will be the answer for us if this cycle doesn’t work out.

  10. Amy April 22, 2012 at 5:22 am #

    I am so so sorry. I can’t imagine the temptation to… Well do it yourself. You chose your dr for a reason so even if ts tough, it’s much better to follow his directions, but geez that sucks.

    • Shelley April 23, 2012 at 1:02 am #

      I’m touching my nose and pointing at you.

  11. storkchaser April 22, 2012 at 7:31 am #

    I’m so so sorry they cancelled on you! I imagine (yes, I’ve actually thought about this because my coworker recently went through this) Hubster and I would have had the exact same discussion and would have wanted to go on. My coworker’s Dr adjusted her meds and her last cycle was perfect- only 3 mature follies. Maybe that’s an option if you don’t want to go straight to IVF? I’ve also tagged you with the Lovely Blog Award!

    • Shelley April 23, 2012 at 1:10 am #

      If we could have done the IUI, I would have. I’m not sure they could adjust. They started me low at 75 IU and I responded too slowly. Then he bumped it up the next smallest amount (112.5 IU) and this happened. I guess it just seems like I’m the kind of person who is more suited for IVF. Thank you for tagging me with that! I don’t know all of what it means but it’s exciting nonetheless! 🙂

  12. Sunny April 22, 2012 at 2:23 pm #

    Hey Shelley, I’m stopping by from ICLW. Don’t sweat it about greeting us with not so hot news–this is IF we’re talking about–it sucks, royally! I’m so sorry to hear about that frustrating news from your doc. It does feel like it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t sort of situation Dr.B has put you through. So frustrating. I’m pulling for you!

    • Shelley April 23, 2012 at 1:12 am #

      Thanks for stopping by, Sunny! Damned either way, indeed.

  13. Emily@the-empty-uterus April 22, 2012 at 10:34 pm #

    I’m so sorry, that is rotten news. I was borderline one month and almost faced the same cancellation news, but lucked out…not lucky enough, didn’t get pregnant! The Hubby and I talked about what we would do…would we follow Dr’s orders? We decided no with the same thought you had, “If we don’t get pregnant with one or two eggs, what are the odds that all five would fertilize and implant?” On the other hand, that’s probably how people get pregnant with quintuplets 🙂 Hard decision. I’m sorry!
    Emily@the-empty-uterus.blogspot.com

    • Shelley April 23, 2012 at 1:14 am #

      Thanks for stopping by, Emily. It was a tough decision and I guess we’ve made ours (see my latest post).

  14. Alissa April 22, 2012 at 11:46 pm #

    Oh Shelley, I’m sorry. It must be so darn frustrating to get so far only to have it end without that bang of hope you were waiting for. I have to tell you though, that I think your doctor was right. 6 follies are too many for an IUI cycle. My doctor wouldn’t even allow me to do an IUI injectable cycle due to the fact that I would produce too many eggs. He said he would allow clomid or femara IUI’s but not stims. If I wanted to produce more than 3 mature follies, I had to do IVF. So I know where you are at. It doesn’t make it any easier, but just know that you are being taken care of.
    I pray that you can find the right path for your next try and know that we are out here for you to vent and complain to. Sending all the good vibes I can.

    • Shelley April 23, 2012 at 1:17 am #

      I so appreciate your stopping by, Alissa – I am a big fan of your blog and have read back through a lot of it. I’m not sure now if it was five or six follicles honestly. At the appointment it looked like six but when she called back she said five. In a lot of ways I do wish we could have gone straight to IVF. Injectable IUIs just seem like playing with fire.

  15. Katie April 23, 2012 at 12:17 am #

    So sorry to read that you had such bad news…Such a hard decision to make. Not fair that this stuff happens to those who want it to work so bad. Looking forward to reading more of your blog!
    Katie

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. May’s IComLeavWe Welcome! « tales from the waiting room - May 21, 2012

    […] this blog we were going into our second IUI cycle. That cycle ended up being cancelled, ironically one month ago today on the first day of April IComLeavWe, due to overstimulation and the risk of multiples. I was […]

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