Worries.

15 Apr

Yesterday, my shipment of meds arrived for this cycle. When I called my RE’s office on CD1 last week to schedule my baseline work up, she asked if I had my medications all set for this cycle. I told her I had enough Gonal-F left over from my last cycle to get me started but I needed to order a new pen as that one likely wouldn’t last me through this entire cycle and anyways, I needed to order my Ovidrel shot.

What she didn’t tell me at the time, and what I didn’t realize until last night when I took a look at the new Gonal-F box, is that they put a warning sticker on there that reads, “ONCE PIERCED PRODUCT EXPIRES IN 28 DAYS.” Now, it has definitely been more than 28 days since my last Gonal-F pen was pierced, but no where on my last box does it give this warning. So now I’m worried that the past three days of stimming have been with an expired medication and what does that even mean? Will it affect the effectiveness?

To be fair, the pharmacy didn’t warn me of this either and they had my order records right there in front of them so they knew it had been over two months since I last ordered my Gonal-F. I assume if it was a major problem, after I mentioned on the phone that I was using leftover medication, they would have warned me. Right? Oy. I tried calling them today but the on-call nurse wasn’t picking up and I didn’t feel like leaving a message. I’m not sure whether or not I should start the new pen tonight or if it’s okay to use up the old one? Seems like SUCH a waste not to but I don’t want to potentially miss out on another day of the good stuff.

Tomorrow is another ultrasound and bloodwork. Hopefully things are progressing appropriately. We shall see.

In other news, I went to a bachelorette party yesterday at which part of the entertainment was having a psychic come by and read everyone’s fortunes (or everyone who wanted to participate anyways). I struggled with the decision. On the one hand, like everyone, especially those of us trying to conceive, I’m dying to know what the future holds. However, about two years ago, right after we first started trying, I got my palm read in Rockport and the teller told me she didn’t see us having kids for at least another couple of years. I was devastated at the time. It really felt like this dark foreshadowing, or even sometimes, kind of like a curse. As you can see, her vision sadly came true.

But, it was a party and I was one of the bridesmaids and so I decided to do it.

Big mistake. I told her I wanted to talk about children. She asked if I was married then said, you’ve been trying for awhile right, two or three years? Yes, I said, that’s right. She then proceeded to tell me about how I have a lot of anxiety around this (duh), how I’ve been crying a lot about it (eh, sometimes, I wouldn’t say “a lot”), etc. Then she says she doesn’t see me with a child until I’m 30 or 31. (Heart sinks.) She’s sure that she does see me with a child but she says, I have to stop thinking we can get pregnant the “normal way” and start thinking “outside the box.” That she sees me with a child in my arms but doesn’t know how I got that child. Umm. Okay?

But then she says that the child she sees is definitely a biological child and not conceived by a third party. So, what’s left then? She couldn’t say. She said something like, keep trying what you’re trying for a year or so, then go get help. I told her we’re already getting help. Then she saw something with “shots” involved (again, duh). So I don’t know what she could mean, and neither did she, she just said one day I’ll understand.

She did say we’d have a girl, and asked if I had been dreaming of a girl, which, ironically, I did dream of holding my daughter about a month ago. In the dream, she was my daughter but she didn’t quite look like me. Still she was my daughter, I knew it in my soul and I was so, so happy. She also said she will have some sort of “genius thing” going on, something with Harvard. She asked if I went to Harvard (ha) or knew anyone who had (not really). And finally, she only saw me with one child. But she said I would love and treasure and protect that child to the ends of the earth.

I walked out of there dejected. Some of what she told the other girls was a dead on. My friend who is dating a boy four years younger than her? She not only knew that but she guessed his age on the nose. Another girl has a father who is a construction worker and who has had multiple injuries and surgeries. She said to her, you’re worried about your father, aren’t you, he has a lot of joint problems? No way she could have pulled these things out of thin air. On the other hand, she told at least four of us that we’d have children at “30 or 31.” She even told that to one girl my age who already has a child! Ps. I’m 26 going on 27 in June.

So, who knows. I’m trying not to let it get me down. I know she doesn’t know everything. I take the “thinking outside the box” thing to mean going to an RE and seeking Assisted Reproductive Technologies, which we’re doing. Given my age, given what we know, I just can’t see how it would take that long, especially since my RE will likely only do IUI four times before moving to IVF. Heavens forbid it does or I’ll arrive at pregnancy an utter basketcase and weighing about 300 lbs. (By the way, that other psychic, the one who said we wouldn’t get pregnant for a couple of years predicted we’d have three children.)

I did have a really good conversation afterwards with a girl who is in my circle of friends but with whom I’ve never really connected. I always kind of thought she hated me, frankly. But after my reading we got to talking and she told me how she and her husband recently started trying, got pregnant right away, only to lose the baby at 10 weeks after hearing the heartbeat. She was still very much dealing with the loss and trying to make sense of it and my heart went out to her. That was me two(ish) years ago or so. We had a good chat about everything and now I’m really looking forward to seeing her at the wedding next month.

Anyways, that’s me right now. I guess those are two great ways to tone down all that horrible, risky, rampant hope I had about this cycle last week. Now I’m back to, of course it’s not going to work. Why should it? How could it?

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3 Responses to “Worries.”

  1. Cristy April 15, 2012 at 10:39 pm #

    First off, not to scare you, but start with the new Gonal-F pen tonight. I don’t know if it will make a difference, but I do know that I would follow manufacturer’s instructions. On Monday, tell your clinic. They need to know so that 1) they can tell you whether this is an issue or not and 2) if it is, not make the same mistake again.

    Secondly, I’m so sorry about the psychic reading. I remember when you had the first one and how much it hurt. This one was even more confusing. I’ve actually found most psychics to not be very accurate about the future, but very good with the present. One can argue it’s that they read cues from us. But I also believe it’s because our future is not written. We write it as we go. So even though she told you things that were spot on for what you’re currently feeling, it doesn’t mean that she can see the outcome of this journey.

    Hang in there, my friend. I’m hoping for good news tomorrow.

  2. Leslie April 16, 2012 at 1:33 am #

    A few years ago I was in New Orleans for friends’ wedding. My friend LL got there a few days early and while wandering around found a psychic who read her tea leaves. She was so excited because the psychic told her that she would possibly be entering into a new career in mining. And it just so happened that LL had been considering applying for a job in a mining company. “She’s awesome!” LL gushed.

    So she convinced me that I too had to do it. I went in to the psychic. So much of what she was telling me sounded so real and true, and then she said, “I also foresee a career in the mining industry.”

    I got the exact. same. reading as LL.

    A lot of what she said could have been true for me- she also said that I would get married to a man I had known for less than two years (true) and that I was a traveler (also true at the time). But it was still the exact same reading she gave LL. We were both disappointed at first, but now laugh our bootays off at it, wondering when the mining jobs will fall through.

    This is to say, take what you want from the psychic.

  3. EmHart April 16, 2012 at 11:43 am #

    Hi there, welcome to the blogging world. It is a great support. As a welcome I am going to tag you in a Q&A. Don’t feel you have to, but if you would like to join in swing by my latest blog post and that will tell you all about it!

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