I had a dream the other night that has been bouncing around my head ever since. I am one of those people who dreams a lot, vividly, and loves to talk about and analyze my dreams. If you’re not interested in dreams, this might be a boring post and I apologize.
So for you, here’s the nuts and bolts: 1) it was my first dream that made clear my fears about becoming a mother, 2) in the course of the dream I was able to overcome those fears and show myself how awesome a mama I’ll be, 3) it was the first time I dreamed about my son – the one I’m actually pregnant with now and 4) I got a taste of the real, deep love I already have for him.
It starts off with panic. I’ve lost my baby and I can’t find him. I’m looking all over, under the crib, in the dresser drawers, in the hamper, everywhere. I’m sure it’s my fault that I lost him and am in despair thinking of what a horrible mother I am. But then, as I keep looking, I realize there’s no way I could have simply misplaced him. Someone must have STOLEN him!
Then I get all sleuth-like and realize it must have been the woman who was subbing for my dog walker (no one ever subs for my dog walker by the way). She must have stolen him from right under my nose! I go over to her house and act nice, like I just want to talk with her. Eventually she feels bad and admits she did steal my baby and she gave him to an infertile couple she knew who hadn’t been able to conceive.
We go to the house of the infertiles to collect my baby. They know we’re coming and are resigned to the fact that they have to give him back to me. I tear into their house and I’m looking all around. He’s not in the pack n’ play. I race up to the nursery and there he is in a crib, totally healthy. The relief I felt! Oh my goodness, I can’t describe it. But I was so relieved to have him back in my arms. Apparently I had missed the first MONTH of his life. He had been gone that long but I hadn’t told anyone or reported it to the police because I thought it was my fault. I’m so sad to have missed his first month but that sadness pales in comparison to the love and relief I feel to have him back.
I’m also so proud of myself for realizing who had stolen him and getting him back. Somehow that restored my confidence in myself as a mother. (Never mind that I had let my baby go missing for a month!) I have him back and I’m showing him off to my friends and I feel so much pride in him. I woke up just full of this feeling of real love for my baby. I can’t really describe it any better than that but it felt so real and unlike anything I’ve felt so far in this pregnancy or even in my life, really.
Somehow, this dream made this pregnancy – the fact that I’m carrying my son in my belly – come into focus for me. Now more than anything, I just can’t wait to meet him. It feels scary to say that. I’m still so terrified of all that can go wrong before and after he’s born. But I really felt him the other night. And as scary as it is, I’m more confident than ever that I will get to meet him someday soon. Though hopefully not TOO soon!