Things I want to remember

I’ve been living this pregnancy with one eye closed. Waiting anxiously for the next blow to fall. And blows there have been.

Too often I’ve let feelings of fear, anxiety, and guilt override the overwhelming joy of finally being pregnant after such a long journey. I have some regret over this but at the same time, I know it’s only natural, given what we’ve been through.

But I want to remember the wonderful moments too. There have been many of those, even just in these past few days at home with our families.

Like telling my uncle on the phone yesterday, whom I rarely get to see, that we’re finally expecting. Even though we rarely talk, he intuitively knew of our struggles. He approached telling me that his grandson, younger than me, was expecting a baby a few years ago with such sensitivity, it was touching and so appreciated. And maybe he just knew when we spoke yesterday that this would finally be the year we’d have that news to share too, because he even asked about it. His joy was palpable. He joked, I always knew I was a great uncle but I guess this makes it official. I think he had been waiting to say that for a very long time.

Like discovering that my Dad goes on babycenter.com to track where the baby is in its growth, and that he likes to look a few weeks ahead.

Like talking with both my parents about our meeting at Children’s, all the information we’ve gathered so far, and feeling like they’re truly in this with us. Making plans as a family for how we will survive 8-12 weeks in the hospital.

Like receiving lots of beautiful maternity clothes for Christmas from my mother, and being told when I put them on that I look beautiful. Like deciding to embrace my burgeoning bump instead of thinking it’s “too big” for where I’m at and that I “just look fat.”

Or like revealing the gender, a secret we’ve kept quiet for the past two weeks, to our families. Yes – we know the gender! And I’ve been dying to tell you that but my cousin reads this blog and I wanted her to be totally surprised on Christmas Eve. I’ll tell the full story and reveal it to you very soon. But it was a perfect moment, just as we hoped for.

Of course my struggles with nausea, constantly needing to pee during the night, round ligament pain, and a new symptom of occasionally feeling the awful need to pass out after coming up stairs or while in the shower, have not abated for the holiday but that’s okay.

There’s so much good and wonderful here and I am so thankful.

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